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I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

A man has been arrested after trying to rob a bank using underpants as a mask

The police managed to arrest him after a quick debriefing.

Why shouldn't you buy underpants from Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

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What do you call Japanese underpants?

Japanties

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I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants

I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants. The doorman said, 'What the hell are you supposed to be?' I replied, 'A premature ejaculation'. He said, 'I can't let you in. Suppose the manager sees you. I can't tell him you're a premature...whatever it is.' I said, 'Well, just tell ...

Did you hear about the man in camo underpants?

Nobody saw him coming!

Why shouldn’t men wear Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW]

The front says "I would do anything for love", and the back says "but I won't do that".

What's in Poison Ivy's underpants?

Tulips.

Why don't witches wear underpants?

To get a better grip on the broom

What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants?

A large medium in smalls.

One pair of underpants meets another in the washing machine

"Hey there, long time no see, you been on vacation? You got tan!"

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, ...

Ingrid and Ulga are on their honeymoon

They go back to their room and start to undress. Ulga takes off his socks and Ingrid says. "Oh my, Ulga! What happened to your toes!?
Ulga said, "When I was a young boy I had Toelio!"
Ingrid said, "Dont you mean Polio?"
Ulga responds, "No, I mean Toelio."
Then Ulga starts taking off hi...

The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos.

Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating ...

There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...

An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

Getting your farts back in...

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly. Every morning, when he awoke, the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning sh...

A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
...

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[Long] Once there was a guy who was suffering from a severe headache.

It went on for a month before he finally decided to visit a doctor. After completing the diagnosis, the doctor said, "You will have to lose a testicle". He was aghast when he heard the news. He pondered for few days —asked a few friends— and finally decided to operate it out. His headache receded fo...

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Little Timmy asks his mom if he can lick the bowl this time...

“No, you retard! Just flush like a normal person!”

(Wow! This is crazy. This was just a shitty joke I read in captain underpants 8y ago. The most I’ve ever gotten is 75 upvotes. Thank you soooo much!)

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.

The dentist said: "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."

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A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.

Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a s...

As a child, I thought of my uncle as a superhero...

Because I found him in my closet in only underpants

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

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An elderly couple go to the doctors.

The doctor says to the man 'I need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample.'
The old man, a little hard of hearing, says 'What did you say?'
The lady leans in to her husband and says 'He says he wants to see your underpants.'

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Fart your guts out

A couple who had been married for several years now, were preparing to spend another Thanksgiving together. The woman was running around the kitchen trying to get the meal prepared to perfection when her husband came in the room, grabbed a devilled egg and let out a rumbling fart.

These farts...

I saw two movies this weekend.

One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

A boy wakes up on his birthday...

He runs to his dad and yells, "Dad, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Playing along, the boy's father asks,"How old are you?" The boys yells, "I'm 11!" He then runs out of the room.

Next, the boy runs to his grandma and yells,"Grandma, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Grandma calm...

I have a little joke for the ladies

Unfortunately, it's in my underpants

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Oral Exam

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor. The prof asks the first blonde:

"You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?"

"I open the window."

"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind bl...

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken

My girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken.
She was getting something out of the freezer. Her skirt was lifted. Man, I was so horny at that moment. So I took her underpants down and started to fuck her. When suddenly, she grabbed a chicken and hit me in the head with it. I was surprised, and aske...

A man has diarrhea at a gala dinner...

So he tells his wife: "I have diarrhea, but I couldn't make it to the toilet so I've put my underpants in your bag."

To which she responds: "I didn't bring my bag."

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salesman was enjoying an excellent view

It seems there was this woman who hated wearing underwear. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying an excellent view. After the third or fourth pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s ...

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Walking the dog

A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer’s day when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there’s a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden...

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

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Polish pickle slicer

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do i...

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Coldest Igloo

Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.

The first Eskimo says, "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"

So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says, "Watch this."
He gathers up a big wad of spi...

How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

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Voodoo Dick [Gets a bit raunchy]

Once, a rich man had to go on a business trip for a long weekend, leaving his young, beautiful wife home alone. Fearing she would seek company with another man while he was away, he got her a magical gift from a near by antique shop.

"What is this?" the young beauty asked.

"This is th...

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The Amazing Weight Loss Program

A fat guy Paul saw "lose 5kg in a week" in newspaper.

He calls the company & lady says be ready tomorrow at 6 am.

The next morning paul opens the door & finds a hot babe vid just shoes, underpants & shirt saying "u catch me u f**k me! & the girl starts running. Paul s...

Talking shoes

What did the shoes say to the capri pants?
"What's up britches!"

What did the shoes say to the black underpants?
"Whassup my knickers?"

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An old man and his wife

An old man and his wife were getting on a bit, the old mans hearing had gone a while ago but now things had stopped working downstairs. The wife said to him, "Gerald", for that was his name, "Gerald, I have womanly needs, you need to go to doctor, maybe we can get you some viagra".

"What?" r...

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A young woman marries an old man for his money, and they go on their honeymoon.

They're both sort of traditional, so they haven't had sex (with each other) before the wedding. They get to their hotel room, and get ready to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants and his wife says "ugh, what ugly knees you have!" The man defends himself, saying "When I was 11, I had...