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Underpants Jokes

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Patient: Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Doctor: Ignore them, they're talking bollocks

I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW]

The front says "I would do anything for love", and the back says "but I won't do that".

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

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What do you call a whale without underpants?

Free Willy

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, ...

Why don’t roosters wear underpants?

Because their pecker is on their face.

Don't buy Ukrainian underpants

Chernobyl fallout

What does Thor call his underpants

Thunderwear

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants.

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

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I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

Why don't witches wear underpants?

To get a better grip on the broom

Did you hear about the man in camo underpants?

Nobody saw him coming!

What's in Poison Ivy's underpants?

Tulips.

What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants?

A large medium in smalls.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

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I hate small underpants

They're a pain in the ass.

Why shouldn’t men buy underpants from Ukraine?

Chernobyl Fall out

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A visit to the doctors

A young guy goes to the doctor. He says “doctor, I have this terrible problem with flatulence. I fart uncontrollably and they always smell incredibly bad. You have got to help me”.

So the doctor says “pull down your trousers and underpants, hop on the bed and let me have a look”.

So th...

A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
...

Old Lady Takes her Husband to the Doctor. doctor asks whats wrong,"What did he say " says the old man. "he asked whats wrong" says the old lady.

She tells the doctor the old mans problems, he keeps asking what was said, and she repeats it all to him in a loud voice..At the end the doctor tells her he will need a Urine Sample and a Fecal sample. The old man says "what did he say" the old lady tells him "He wants to see your underpants"

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My son was born with 5 penises

I was devastated

His mother was devastated

His uncle just smiled and said - "his underpants will fit him like a glove..."

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically 'I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it'

Well, you wear underpants, don't you? Replied the wife

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Aussie walks in to see his doctor.

Doctor: Okay, cobber, what seems to be the problem?

Cobber: Mate, could you take a look at my old fella?

Doctor: No worries, cob, just drop yer strides and rip of them nylon undies.

Cobber removes his trousers and underpants, and the doctor examines his penis and ballbag.
...

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"

"A turtle" the man replied

"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, thats just Michelle"

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet cafĂŠ and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.

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A woman came crying to her husband and said,

“I was sitting on that park bench when that man over there walked up to me and said he wanted to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all up.”

Her husband says, “ok?”

Wife: Well aren’t you going to do something? Aren’t you going to go over there and teach him a lesson?

Husba...

Chuck Norris and Superman had a fight

The loser had to wear their underpants on the outside

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is behind it?

A man asks to his wife: why are you ironing the bra's if nothing is in it?

The woman answers: i also iron your underpants right?

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I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants

I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants. The doorman said, 'What the hell are you supposed to be?' I replied, 'A premature ejaculation'. He said, 'I can't let you in. Suppose the manager sees you. I can't tell him you're a premature...whatever it is.' I said, 'Well, just tell ...

An elderly man and his wife are in the doctors office

the doctor says to the man "I'm going to need a a urine sample, a blood sample, and a stool sample."

the man turns to his wife "What did he say?, he needs what?"

the wife yells "Just give him your underpants."

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Ladies' Night

A neighborhood bar held a special "Ladies Night" for all the women in the neighborhood, offering them a chance to meet and talk and enjoy a few drinks.

One evening, after leaving the bar, two women decided to walk off their drinks. Their route home that night took them through a cemetery. As ...

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos.

Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

Two friends are walking in a natural park

At some point, they see a very rare and beautiful squirrel.
“Should we take it with us?” Says one of the two.
“Yes, but hide it in your underpants in case we meet a ranger.”
So the guy puts the squirrel in his underpants and they keep walking.

Right outside the park, they meet an act...

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Dr. Visit

An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor an...

I saw two movies this weekend.

One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.

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A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.

Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a s...

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

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An elderly couple go to the doctors.

The doctor says to the man 'I need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample.'
The old man, a little hard of hearing, says 'What did you say?'
The lady leans in to her husband and says 'He says he wants to see your underpants.'

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

Fred drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you"...

Inevitably, he went out to a pub, drank too much and threw-up all over himself. He turned to his friend and shared his dilemma "If I go home in this state my wife will leave me". His friend replied "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and gave you twenty-pounds. Show it ...

A boy wakes up on his birthday...

He runs to his dad and yells, "Dad, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Playing along, the boy's father asks,"How old are you?" The boys yells, "I'm 11!" He then runs out of the room.

Next, the boy runs to his grandma and yells,"Grandma, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Grandma calm...

How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

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A man walks into a bar...

He orders a fuzzy navel.

Bartender: "We don't have those right now, but I can give you the next best thing: a hairy bellybutton"

The man orders it, drinks it, and says "not bad. How about sex on the beach?"

Bartender: "We don't have those right now, but I can give you the next ...

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Coldest Igloo

Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.

The first Eskimo says, "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"

So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says, "Watch this."
He gathers up a big wad of spi...

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

I have a little joke for the ladies

Unfortunately, it's in my underpants

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken

My girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken.
She was getting something out of the freezer. Her skirt was lifted. Man, I was so horny at that moment. So I took her underpants down and started to fuck her. When suddenly, she grabbed a chicken and hit me in the head with it. I was surprised, and aske...

Talking shoes

What did the shoes say to the capri pants?
"What's up britches!"

What did the shoes say to the black underpants?
"Whassup my knickers?"

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

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Voodoo Dick [Gets a bit raunchy]

Once, a rich man had to go on a business trip for a long weekend, leaving his young, beautiful wife home alone. Fearing she would seek company with another man while he was away, he got her a magical gift from a near by antique shop.

"What is this?" the young beauty asked.

"This is th...

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Polish pickle slicer

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do i...

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salesman was enjoying an excellent view

It seems there was this woman who hated wearing underwear. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying an excellent view. After the third or fourth pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s ...

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Fart your guts out

A couple who had been married for several years now, were preparing to spend another Thanksgiving together. The woman was running around the kitchen trying to get the meal prepared to perfection when her husband came in the room, grabbed a devilled egg and let out a rumbling fart.

These farts...

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

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Walking the dog

A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer’s day when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there’s a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden...

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[Long] Once there was a guy who was suffering from a severe headache.

It went on for a month before he finally decided to visit a doctor. After completing the diagnosis, the doctor said, "You will have to lose a testicle". He was aghast when he heard the news. He pondered for few days —asked a few friends— and finally decided to operate it out. His headache receded fo...

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A young woman marries an old man for his money, and they go on their honeymoon.

They're both sort of traditional, so they haven't had sex (with each other) before the wedding. They get to their hotel room, and get ready to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants and his wife says "ugh, what ugly knees you have!" The man defends himself, saying "When I was 11, I had...

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

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Oral Exam

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor. The prof asks the first blonde:

"You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?"

"I open the window."

"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind bl...

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