Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fall out

“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”...

“Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”

I bought a pair of Meatloaf underpants [NSFW]

The front says "I would do anything for love", and the back says "but I won't do that".

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop wearing transparent underpants.

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

What does Thor call his underpants

Thunderwear

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"

"A turtle" the man replied

"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, thats just Michelle"

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What do you call a whale without underpants?

Free Willy

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I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

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There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

Two friends are walking in a natural park

At some point, they see a very rare and beautiful squirrel.
“Should we take it with us?” Says one of the two.
“Yes, but hide it in your underpants in case we meet a ranger.”
So the guy puts the squirrel in his underpants and they keep walking.

Right outside the park, they meet an act...

What's in Poison Ivy's underpants?

Tulips.

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Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The do...

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

Did you hear about the man in camo underpants?

Nobody saw him coming!

Why don't witches wear underpants?

To get a better grip on the broom

What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants?

A large medium in smalls.

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, ...

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I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants

I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants. The doorman said, 'What the hell are you supposed to be?' I replied, 'A premature ejaculation'. He said, 'I can't let you in. Suppose the manager sees you. I can't tell him you're a premature...whatever it is.' I said, 'Well, just tell ...

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Joe’s Headaches

Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches.One day,after years of suffering,he decides to see a headache specialist.
The doctor tells Joe to strip ,inspects him all over and announces that he has found the cause of the headaches.”Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine” says th...

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

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An old couple had been married for many years. They loved each other very much, but there was one thing which had been annoying the woman through all the the years:

Every morning when they woke up, her husband would let out the nastiest wet and loud farts.

Over the years she had asked with him to stop, or at least wait till he got to the toilet, but no matter how much she pleaded with him, he still refused to change his ways.

Finally she decided t...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating ...

A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
...

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

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There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos.

Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!

A joke our granddad just told us

"Do you know why grandma's don't wear underpants to a wedding? So the fly's don't go on the cake."

That was followed by him all most falling off a chair for laughing so hard.

An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

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[Long] Once there was a guy who was suffering from a severe headache.

It went on for a month before he finally decided to visit a doctor. After completing the diagnosis, the doctor said, "You will have to lose a testicle". He was aghast when he heard the news. He pondered for few days —asked a few friends— and finally decided to operate it out. His headache receded fo...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

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A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.

Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a s...

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Fart your guts out

A couple who had been married for several years now, were preparing to spend another Thanksgiving together. The woman was running around the kitchen trying to get the meal prepared to perfection when her husband came in the room, grabbed a devilled egg and let out a rumbling fart.

These farts...

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An elderly couple go to the doctors.

The doctor says to the man 'I need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample.'
The old man, a little hard of hearing, says 'What did you say?'
The lady leans in to her husband and says 'He says he wants to see your underpants.'

A boy wakes up on his birthday...

He runs to his dad and yells, "Dad, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Playing along, the boy's father asks,"How old are you?" The boys yells, "I'm 11!" He then runs out of the room.

Next, the boy runs to his grandma and yells,"Grandma, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" Grandma calm...

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken

My girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken.
She was getting something out of the freezer. Her skirt was lifted. Man, I was so horny at that moment. So I took her underpants down and started to fuck her. When suddenly, she grabbed a chicken and hit me in the head with it. I was surprised, and aske...

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Oral Exam

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor. The prof asks the first blonde:

"You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?"

"I open the window."

"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind bl...

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

I saw two movies this weekend.

One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.

I have a little joke for the ladies

Unfortunately, it's in my underpants

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salesman was enjoying an excellent view

It seems there was this woman who hated wearing underwear. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying an excellent view. After the third or fourth pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s ...

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Voodoo Dick [Gets a bit raunchy]

Once, a rich man had to go on a business trip for a long weekend, leaving his young, beautiful wife home alone. Fearing she would seek company with another man while he was away, he got her a magical gift from a near by antique shop.

"What is this?" the young beauty asked.

"This is th...

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Polish pickle slicer

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do i...

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Walking the dog

A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer’s day when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there’s a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden...

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Coldest Igloo

Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.

The first Eskimo says, "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"

So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says, "Watch this."
He gathers up a big wad of spi...

How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Talking shoes

What did the shoes say to the capri pants?
"What's up britches!"

What did the shoes say to the black underpants?
"Whassup my knickers?"

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An old man and his wife

An old man and his wife were getting on a bit, the old mans hearing had gone a while ago but now things had stopped working downstairs. The wife said to him, "Gerald", for that was his name, "Gerald, I have womanly needs, you need to go to doctor, maybe we can get you some viagra".

"What?" r...

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A young woman marries an old man for his money, and they go on their honeymoon.

They're both sort of traditional, so they haven't had sex (with each other) before the wedding. They get to their hotel room, and get ready to have sex for the first time. The man drops his pants and his wife says "ugh, what ugly knees you have!" The man defends himself, saying "When I was 11, I had...

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