How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

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One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedr...

What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common?

My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them.

What do pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common?

Flatbush

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

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One morning while making breakfast

a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said...

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Two old folks at a home had been trying to have sex with each other for awhile

Finally during the big Christmas party the nurses weren’t looking and they snuck away to her room and got it on. When they were done he turned to her and caressed her hair and said β€œDarling, if I knew you were still a virgin I would have taken my time.” Then she said β€œWell If I knew you could still ...

Guy meets a girl at the bar...

... and they get along really well. They decide to take it back to her place. On the cab ride they get frisky, the elevator ride up they're getting riled up, and by the time they get in the door they strip off in a mad fit of passion and drop to the floor right there, going at it at her request.
...

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A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes

"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"

The poor guy goes:

"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't...

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This guy walks up to his wife one day

This guy walks up to his wife one day and grabs her breast, he says " if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra." the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. The next day, the husband comes up to his wife and grabs her butt, and says, "If this was firmer, you could get rid of ...

College kids...

A couple of college students met in a night club one night and danced the night away.

They hit it off pretty well, and soon the guy suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love.
<...

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A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.

As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw yo...

During a dance at the retirement home...

The local retirement home decided to have a dance for the residents, a sort of a prom. So all the men and women dressed in their best and gathered in the common area.

During the evening, Elmer, an 85 year old stud, spies Mabel, a 68 year old beauty he begins to flirt, and soon asks her back...

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Man and woman pick each other up, in a club.

Man and woman pick each other up, in a club. They decide to go back to one of their places, but simply can't keep their hands off each other, and end up getting it on in the back of the cab.
Afterward, the guy says, "If I'd known you were a virgin, I would have gone slower."
She replies, "If y...

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One night stand

A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar. He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier."

The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."

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A circus is opening a show.

Master of ceremonies announces:

β€” Ladies and gentlemen! Behold! The world-famous trio of acrobats!

Acrobats walk onto the ring. Voice from the audience:

β€” Acrobats? These are faggots, why the fuck else would they wear pantyhose like bitches.

Acrobats get offended, screw u...

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A young man is getting married...

...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a virgin (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.

The friend gives him details ...

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This this old couple in the old-folks home...

...had been dating for a long time and finally got married. They go back to his room and have their wedding night romancing. Afterwards he looks at her and says "Boy oh boy - If I had known you were a virgin I would have done this a long time ago". To which she replied "Shit, if I thought you'd be a...

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