What do you call a Russian napkin.......

....... a soviet

What's the difference between Lapis Lazuli and napkins?

Napkins are always F R E E

I used to work in a napkin factory in Russia...

I was in The Serviette Union.

Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

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Bros, friends, amigos... If she gives you this for her address, just go ahead and move on. Toss that cocktail napkin away. Move on. THere's other fish in the sea. (feel free to add to the list)

• Drinkand Dr.

• Vicious Circle

• West 943,185th Street

• Psycho Path

• Peoples Ct.

• Nofriggin Way

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A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,

and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

Th...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

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A man receives an invitation to the execution of a cannibalistic serial killer

Because of the nature of his crime, the judge had decided that his punishment was to be cooked and eaten by randomly selected members of the public. Not willing to pass up such a unique opportunity, the man decided to go and enjoy himself.

Upon his arrival, he was led to one of many comfy lea...

Whats the best pickup line ever?

"Hey, does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?"

What do you call a sleeping paper towel?

A napkin.

What do you call the best friend of a nap?

A napkin.

What do you call your family after they fall sleep?

Napkins

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

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Two men are speeding when they get pulled over......

The driver tells his passenger, "I'll take care of this." As soon as the cop approaches, the man leans out and tells the cop, Just to let you know, I have a loaded gun in the glove box."

The cop orders them out of the car, face down on the sidewalk, cuffs them and backs over to his radio to c...

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A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar...

...They sit down at the bar and the man orders a beer. The monkey promptly starts running around the bar, eating everything in sight. He eats some napkins, peanuts off of the bar, all the marichino cherries, everything he can pick up. Then the monkey hops over to the pool table, jumps on top of it, ...

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Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's w...

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A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.


As they were taking off, the man let out a sneeze, then took a napkin out from his pocket and reached into his pants and patted down his crotch region. The woman, being polite, pretended not to not...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

A guy was playing golf.

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost ag...

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Panda Definition

A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a
sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating,
the waiter comes over to bring him the check.
When the waiter arrives at the table, he just
starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the
Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gu...

A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives o...

I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...

She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,

"no, but you can have 8 bits."

Two cannibals are eating a lawyer. One turns to the other and says...

Pass me the napkins. This one is really greasy.

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A guy had a small penis..

And he was super self conscious about it. He had never been able to pleasure a woman properly. Every doctor he'd been to told him he was out of luck until, after years of searching, he found one from India that suggested,

"In my country we have a procedure where we can graft a piece of baby...

What do you get when paper towels fall asleep?

Napkins!

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One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend.

A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks "Where the hell have you been?”

He says, "The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold!...

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A man walks into a bar on top of a high rise

And sees another patron in a deep conversation with the bartender. As the man walks up and orders a beer, he can't help but hear the patron extolling the wonders of urban air currents to the visibly bored bartender.

"Yeah Murray, it's incredible. The speeds these updrafts can reach would blow...

There was a man named Joe...

Joe had a French fry shop across the street from the local florist. One day, the florists went bankrupt and closed down. Then 2 people moved in, fellow fryers, and started stealing Joe's customers.

Joe was outraged, and thus, led him to go talk to the other fryers. They got so mad at Joe they...

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An entertaining duck joke to tell in a bar...

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "Ho...

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The woman in the store

A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.

Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?

The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help h...

Dating tip:

Pull out her chair at dinner and whisper, "That's not the only thing I'll be pulling out tonight." Then pull out her napkin like a true gentleman.
(doesn't work at Mc Donalds)

Are you gonna eat that?

A hungry man with a hankerin' for chili sits down at a restaurant.
The waitress approaches to take his order and, of course, he orders a bowl of chili.
She replies, "Sorry sir. The gentleman seated at the table next to you got the last bowl."
The hungry man looks over and sees that th...

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A trucker walks into a diner and orders a sandwich.

After a few minutes he gets his order and starts eating quietly, bothering nobody.

Three bikers enter the diner and the smallest one walks over to the trucker's table and picks up his sandwich and takes a big, drooling bite. The whole time he chews he just stares down, mean and ugly, at the t...

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Trump & Hillary are at Anthony Weiner's NYC Hot Dog stand...

... and Anthony Weiner, out of a political job, is serving hot dogs to passersby after the election. Weiner turns around to do some sexting and Hillary snatches 3 hot dogs and shoves them in her pockets. She turns to Trump and says...

"See, that's how it's done -- when nobody is looking!"
...

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A man walks into a sketchy pet shop looking for a different type of pet...

The man at the shop says, "Well, sir, I have a crocodile with 5 legs." The man says, "No, I've seen that before." "How about this short-necked giraffe?" "Isn't that just a deer?" The man asked. "Moving on the shopkeep replied in a hurry. As they continued on, the man saw something in the back of the...

Mae West: One-liners from the 1930's.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

A hard man is good to find.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.<...

The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and sits on the stool. the bartender thinks it's a bid odd, a panda walking into a bar, but he approaches it regardless. The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it, and points to a cheeseburger. The bartender is impressed, and decides to make the ch...

A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture busi...

Living in Greece..

Living in "Greece " now is like being a Sanitary Napkin.

You're in the most beautiful place but in a bad period..!!

Found some gems in my grandpa's old journal, thought r/jokes would appreciate them...

I'll try and transcribe them the way he writes them down, but it is pretty hard since most of them are written in cursive.

Husband got up early Sunday morning to fly a kite. He is having a hard time, kite is going up and down. Wife is watching from the window in her nighty. Finally, she becom...

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Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More mov...

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