The 56+ Best Fiber Jokes

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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I just took two fiber capsules and a marijuana edible.

I did it for shits and giggles.

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What did the doctor say when I refused to eat more fiber?

"Well, that's tough shit."

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My wife and I started a new high fiber diet.

After the 2nd day she asked me how much I lost and I told her 8 lbs.

"You're full of shit!"

"No, thats why I lost 8 lbs."

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

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A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

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As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.

Apparently, they don't give a shit.

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

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I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber.

I help you get your shit together.

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I'm lacking in moral fiber...

As a result, I don't really give a shit.

Q: what kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A: a cereal killer

How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.

Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

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Ate some Fiber One brownies

That shit was amazing.

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My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber

It really helped me get my shit together.

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I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber.

He said it really helped him keep his shit together.

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My therapist told me I should start a more fiber rich diet.

When I asked why they told me.

"It's to help keep your shit together"

Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.

They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

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This woman turned me down because she only dates dudes with a high fiber diet

I guess my shit isn't together enough.

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The thing I don't like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops

I'm also not crazy about our dog's name.

Why did Eddie Vedder take the fiber supplements?

He needed to have an Even Flow.

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My friend said I need to get my shit together

I told him that it's cause I eat too much fiber

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar.

And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.

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A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

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Doctor walks into a restaurant to try some new dishes

"Hello, what do you like to have today?" Asked the waitress

"Just give anything" said the doctor.

The waitress brings out a double cheese burger with fries.

The doctor took a bite and dislikes it.

"The burger is full of grease, too much fat and fries are just extra carbs...

Software conglomerate Meta to acquire Mucil...

Founder Mark Zuckerberg states "The Meta-mucil merger will help us move things along. They are looking forward to this with every fiber of their being."

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Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.

 

 

 

 

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**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original,...

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

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A love story

A Love Story

Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

"Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?"

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to m...

Three ropes walk into a bar...

They all sit down at a table and one of the ropes says “you guys stay here, I’ll go order the drinks.”

That rope then goes to the bar and the bartender says to him “It’s company policy to not serve ropes here.”

The rope then reruns to the table dejected and tells his buddies “Sorry g...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The string gets sloppy drunk, barfs all over the bar, so the bar tender kicks him out. "You're banned!"

The next night, the string wants to get back in, so he ties a not near one end and frazzles up the fibers sticking out, then walks into the bar.

The bartender yells "Aren't you that ...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his...

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

3 guys at an archaeology conference

The first two guys are normal but the third one is from a place where people are silly, or at least that's the stereotype. Of course stereotypes are untrue and hurtful, but I need it for this joke to work.

Anyway, the first guy says, "We dug down 100 meters and discovered copper cables. This ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth un...

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there ev...

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

What do the head of marketing for Metamucil and the head of Infrastructure at AT&T have in common?

Both are in charge of fiber optics.

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.

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There was once this circus performer who could eat anything, and would do so for his act.

His best trick was when he would eat several pillows and pillowcases, a comforter, a fitted sheet, a regular sheet, and a mattress all in one sitting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t preform the stunt often as the immense amount of fiber would block him up for nearly a month. After about three weeks of p...

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

Why is gigabit internet good for you?

Because it's high in fiber!

haha, I'll show myself out...

Time to pun-ish you all!

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, "Hey! No ropes in here!" So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it's short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walk...

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Happy Dog Chow

Last week at Walmart I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, a giraffe?

Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on ...

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