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Depths Jokes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

Which location is lower than the depths of Hell?

Apparently Georgia, if the Devil had to go down.

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.

The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"

And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.


The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live i...

It all makes sense now

Jack: Rose! There’s enough room, you can save me!
Rose: There’s one thing you should know about me Jack. I’m actually 26 years old!
Jack: …
Rose: Jack?
Jack: *drifts away into the dark depths of the ocean*

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

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Three sons go to their father on his deathbed...

A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom.
"I am the smartest," says one.
"But I am the ...

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spen...

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An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this ...

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

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Satan's Test

A rapist, thief, and murderer are standing in front of Satan as he sits on his throne.

"I've summoned you three here because I was feeling a bit kind today. I'll give each of you a chance to leave Hell. All you have to do is pass my test," Satan says. Of course, he designed his test such that...

Two men were standing on a platform high above a deep, dark, lonely pit.

One of the guys turns to the other and says, “I can’t wait to take the plunge! I hear no one has ever made it safely down so we’d be the first to start a civilization in the depths below! We could create our own rules, be Kings, and...”


The second guy quickly interrupts, “Hey now, let’s ...

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Big Chief No Shit

Once there was a tribe that lived in the depths of the jungles. Their chief was suffering from constipation. A few members of the tribe went to the city to see the doctor. Knowing very little English, they said to the doctor -
“Doctor! Big Chief no shit”
The doctor understood that the chief w...

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As I get older and more experienced, some books just resonate with me more.

I can appreciate the depths of their realism.

For example, nothing encapsulates my life at this moment as well as the great American classic *Go the FUCK to sleep*

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

To say Saturn would float on water is disingenuous.

It's not a ball. Suppose you did fill a gigantic tub of water and dropped Saturn in. Its core would plunge into the depths and the atmosphere would explode. What's more when you drained the tub it would leave behind a ring.

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

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The monkey and the Lion

Deep down in the depths of the jungle, the fierce lion roared at the monkey who had just made it up his tree.

"Oh monkey why won't you come on down !" He roared .

"NO, your going to eat me!"

"I'm not little monkey, I'll ask tiger to tie my front paws up. "

The lions fr...

Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and ki...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

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[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar

Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it.

The second vampire is quite large and...

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

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