Shallow Jokes - 58 Hilarious Shallow Jokes

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

Some women can be so shallow.

I mean everything was going great at our first dinner date until I told her what kind of car I lived in.

I was mowing my lawn and I found a shallow unmarked grave and I can’t stop laughing

I don’t know why I just found this humerus

I was on a date with a girl who called me shallow.

I was like “Yeah, but only on the surface.”

My wife is so shallow

I should probably move her body before someone spots it

I used to be shallow and only go for 8's and 9's

But then my friend told me they should at least be 18

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

I tried to explain a concept to my friend using a metaphor about the shallow water along a shoreline.

Didn't work. He took it littorally

Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Earlier today a work colleague called me a "shallow Neanderthal mysoginist"

I let it pass though because she has fantastic tits.

Sometimes I think my wife’s a bit shallow

I wouldn’t want the dog digging her up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call me shallow, but a child left in the car in the summer with the windows up...

is so fucking hot!

Went out with this girl I met on Ok Cupid, I think we clicked, but I never asked her out again. I know this makes me shallow, I just couldn't handle how many kids she had.

To be fair, it was my own fault, she clearly stated in her profile that she was a goat farmer...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

Abortion jokes are really shallow...

They always fail to deliver.

Why'd the one eyed man marry the shallow girl?

He lacked depth perception.

My first wife was too shallow for my liking

so I dug a deeper hole.

What is the difference between love, true love, and showing off

Spit, Shallow, and Gargle!

Business competitors

Two friendly competitors in the NY garment center go on vacation to Miami Beach. Saul is not a good swimmer and goes out too far from the beach and realizes he is in trouble. He yells for Herbie who dives into the water and pulls Saul into the shallow water. When Saul is out of trouble Herbie asks h...

I took my kids to the local pool the other day..

We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

What do you call a Muslim guy who won’t date fat chicks?

Shallow Halal.

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

Baby, are you a pool?

Because damn you're so shallow!

I could never date someone who swims in the kiddy pool...

They're just too shallow for me

What's the difference between Kylie Jenner and an egg?

One is just a fragile shell, containing contents so shallow, they hardly give any sustenance to those who want it. And if dropped, or tossed away, can be easily replaced by bunch of others, exactly like them.

And the other is an egg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The final season of game of thrones is a lot like porn.

Awful dialogue, shallow plot, and the characters just keep getting fucked.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...

They’ve been going for a bit now and they’re at the final hole. It’s a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.

Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...

If I said you have a nice body would you...

stash it under the floorboards with the rest of them or bury it in a shallow grave?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you do if bear tries to chase you?

one friend asks another.

\- "I would climb a tree."

\- "But bears can climb trees and he goes after you."

\- "Then I would jump into the creek."

\- "But creek is shallow and bear can easily get you in the water."

\- "Then I would run into the cave."

\- "But ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are fighting. The wife says "You've got the smallest penis I've ever seen!"

The husband shoots back "Then we're a perfect fit for each other, cause you're a shallow cunt!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father was on his death bed at home..

.. with all his family around him. He grabbed his wife by the hand and with shallow breath asked

"Is my son in the room with me?"

"Yes dad, I am here" replied the son.

"Good, and my daughter is here with me?" Asked the father, growing weaker.

"Yes dad, I am here wi...

An orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi go for a swim.

It was a hot day and the three desperately needed to cool off. They went to the lake just outside the village, made sure no one else was around, and decided to skinny dip.

While they were splashing around, a group of women returning from the fields stopped for a quick break and noticed the th...

Why can a Kardashian never drown?

They're always way too shallow.

A man is driving down a country road

when he comes to a spot covered in in water. Not knowing how deep the water is he turns around and goes back the way he came. A little ways down the road he meets a little boy. He asks the little boy if the water is shallow enough to drive through and the little boy says yes it is. A few minutes lat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

I, an Orca, tried to warn my brother countless times.

He just had to eat that family of dolphins in shallow water.

Well, the idiot beached himself.

If I told him once I told him a thousand times.

“Don’t eat Tide Pods.”

What do Buzz Lightyear and Bees have in common?

They both can fly.

What?

You thought I was going to make a pun? I'm not that shallow.

Now buzz off.

It's upsetting how obsessed Catholics are with this whole "Body Of Christ" thing

He's really smart and interesting, and has got an amazing personality, too, but it's not like anyone that shallow would ever bother finding out.

My ex...

My ex was like a rock pool. Shallow, but interesting. And upon closer inspection I found crabs.

What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

Does size matter?

Some women say size doesn't matter.

Some even say that they prefer smaller ones. I think that they're just shallow.

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)

they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on...

I left my girlfriend because she lost an ear

It may sound shallow but I take my corn seriously

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

A man is canoeing in the everglades

After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost.

To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop.

At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im l...

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.
A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:

*Do you know how deeps is the water here? Will i be able to drive through?*

*Sure you can! It’s really shallow!* - one of the policemen answers

The farmer drives his pic...

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and ...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

Little Stump was a very, very sad boy...

Because he had no arms and no legs.

But his friends always tried to cheer him up and bring him along on their trips. One day, they decided to go to the beach and invite Little Stump.

"No, I better not, I'll be a burden!" Little Stump reluctantly replied.

"Common, you've never be...

A French Man was Teaching his English Girlfriend to Swim

After the third lesson, the man said to his girlfriend, “ok, you’ve now learnt enough. I’ll let you to swim on your own”
He then went out to relax by the pool side on the sun bed, as he watched his girlfriend practise her newly learnt skills.
After swimming for a while in the shallow end of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mouse and Lion are sitting at the bar...

...checking out the wildlife. Lion says, "Check out Gazelle! I'd love the chase that."

Mouse replies, "Hmm... not sure how that would work out for her... but Giraffe, now she is FINE."

Lion almost falls off his stool laughing! "Giraffe?!? Uh... I'm not sure you're really up for th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.

The next morning Frank was still there (he usually ...

I have an uncle in Texas

He's a wealthy guy, made it big in oil. He recently decided to build a new pool for his house. Of course, being a Texan it couldn't be just any pool. He decided to build the biggest pool of anyone he knew. I don't know exactly how big it was, but it had to be at least a couple hundred yards long....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.