Went out with this girl I met on Ok Cupid, I think we clicked, but I never asked her out again. I know this makes me shallow, I just couldn't handle how many kids she had.

To be fair, it was my own fault, she clearly stated in her profile that she was a goat farmer...

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

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Call me shallow, but a child left in the car in the summer with the windows up...

is so fucking hot!

I used to be shallow and only go for 8's and 9's

But then my friend told me they should at least be 18

Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...

They’ve been going for a bit now and they’re at the final hole. It’s a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.

Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

Some women can be so shallow.

I mean everything was going great at our first dinner date until I told her what kind of car I lived in.

My wife is so shallow

I should probably move her body before someone spots it

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

Baby, are you a pool?

Because damn you're so shallow!

Why'd the one eyed man marry the shallow girl?

He lacked depth perception.

Abortion jokes are really shallow...

They always fail to deliver.

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What would you do if bear tries to chase you?

one friend asks another.

\- "I would climb a tree."

\- "But bears can climb trees and he goes after you."

\- "Then I would jump into the creek."

\- "But creek is shallow and bear can easily get you in the water."

\- "Then I would run into the cave."

\- "But ...

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A father was on his death bed at home..

.. with all his family around him. He grabbed his wife by the hand and with shallow breath asked

"Is my son in the room with me?"

"Yes dad, I am here" replied the son.


"Good, and my daughter is here with me?" Asked the father, growing weaker.

"Yes dad, I am here wi...

An orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi go for a swim.

It was a hot day and the three desperately needed to cool off. They went to the lake just outside the village, made sure no one else was around, and decided to skinny dip.

While they were splashing around, a group of women returning from the fields stopped for a quick break and noticed the th...

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

A man is canoeing in the everglades

After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost.

To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop.

At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im l...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

My first wife was too shallow for my liking

so I dug a deeper hole.

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

What's the difference between Kylie Jenner and an egg?

One is just a fragile shell, containing contents so shallow, they hardly give any sustenance to those who want it. And if dropped, or tossed away, can be easily replaced by bunch of others, exactly like them.

And the other is an egg.

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The final season of game of thrones is a lot like porn.

Awful dialogue, shallow plot, and the characters just keep getting fucked.

About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.

The next morning Frank was still there (he usually ...

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

What do you call a Muslim guy who won’t date fat chicks?

Shallow Halal.

If I said you have a nice body would you...

stash it under the floorboards with the rest of them or bury it in a shallow grave?

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

I could never date someone who swims in the kiddy pool...

They're just too shallow for me

Guy: hey kid, is this river deep?

Kid: no, not at all.
Guy: *steps into the water and almost drown. Gets back to the kid. You said it’s shallow! I almost drowned!
Kid: There must be something wrong with your legs, because I just saw a du...

Why can a Kardashian never drown?

They're always way too shallow.

I, an Orca, tried to warn my brother countless times.

He just had to eat that family of dolphins in shallow water.


Well, the idiot beached himself.


If I told him once I told him a thousand times.


“Don’t eat Tide Pods.”

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A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing together...

when they play a water hazard Moses says "that's too wide to walk around" and starts chanting and waving his arms. Suddenly there is thunder and lightening and the waters part, and Moses walks across. When he gets to the other side he says "God is all powerful!".

When it's Jesus' turn He loo...

A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)

they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on...

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

It's upsetting how obsessed Catholics are with this whole "Body Of Christ" thing

He's really smart and interesting, and has got an amazing personality, too, but it's not like anyone that shallow would ever bother finding out.

Where do hillbillies like to hang out during the summer?

The shallow end of the gene pool.

Little Stump was a very, very sad boy...

Because he had no arms and no legs.

But his friends always tried to cheer him up and bring him along on their trips. One day, they decided to go to the beach and invite Little Stump.

"No, I better not, I'll be a burden!" Little Stump reluctantly replied.

"Common, you've never be...

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A husband and wife are fighting. The wife says "You've got the smallest penis I've ever seen!"

The husband shoots back "Then we're a perfect fit for each other, cause you're a shallow cunt!"

What do Buzz Lightyear and Bees have in common?

They both can fly.

What?

You thought I was going to make a pun? I'm not that shallow.

Now buzz off.

I have an uncle in Texas

He's a wealthy guy, made it big in oil. He recently decided to build a new pool for his house. Of course, being a Texan it couldn't be just any pool. He decided to build the biggest pool of anyone he knew. I don't know exactly how big it was, but it had to be at least a couple hundred yards long....

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There was once a beautiful Mermaid.

She was sitting on a rock out in shallows.
Welshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman on the seaside all saw her.

The welshman shouts over to her 'have you ever been kissed' she replies 'no' so he goes over and kisses her.
The Scotsman asks her if she's ever been fondled, she replies 'no' so ...

My ex...

My ex was like a rock pool. Shallow, but interesting. And upon closer inspection I found crabs.

What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.
A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:

*Do you know how deeps is the water here? Will i be able to drive through?*

*Sure you can! It’s really shallow!* - one of the policemen answers

The farmer drives his pic...

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John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and ...

Does size matter?

Some women say size doesn't matter.

Some even say that they prefer smaller ones. I think that they're just shallow.

A man is driving down a country road

when he comes to a spot covered in in water. Not knowing how deep the water is he turns around and goes back the way he came. A little ways down the road he meets a little boy. He asks the little boy if the water is shallow enough to drive through and the little boy says yes it is. A few minutes lat...

I left my girlfriend because she lost an ear

It may sound shallow but I take my corn seriously

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Mouse and Lion are sitting at the bar...

...checking out the wildlife. Lion says, "Check out Gazelle! I'd love the chase that."

Mouse replies, "Hmm... not sure how that would work out for her... but Giraffe, now she is FINE."

Lion almost falls off his stool laughing! "Giraffe?!? Uh... I'm not sure you're really up for th...

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