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Depressed Jokes

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

I was going to make a depressed joke

But my parents already did.

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"

And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

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A Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

The Depressed Pessimist

The depressed pessimist: *"I don't think this day can get any worse..."*

 

The cheerful optimist: *"IT CAN!!"*

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A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century

And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff.

Trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to  kill yourself  anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"  
The woman said  "Hell no! Get  away from me  you sicko!"  
The bum turned to leave  and muttered,  "Fine,  I'll just go  wait at the botto...

Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

What do you call a society of depressed people?

A melancholony.

What do you call a depressed fireman?

A first desponder.

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

A blonde woman, who is feeling depressed, decides to end her life.

The woman's husband sees her about to shoot herself, and begs her, "Please! Don't do it!"

The woman glares at her husband and says, "Shut up! You're next!"

I was so depressed last night

thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

What’s a depressed skateboarder’s favourite trick?

Melanchollies

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

What’s a Depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresso Espresso

Jk it’s cyanide

Why was the 10 year-old medieval peasant depressed?

He was going through his midlife crisis.

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

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Last year I was miserable and depressed.

But this year i turned that shit around.

Now I am depressed and miserable.

I was feeling depressed so my wife came, put her hand on my shoulder, and said “Earth”

That meant the world to me.

Did you hear about the depressed light switch?

It couldn’t go on.

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

Why was the dolphin depressed?

His life had no porpoise.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common?

Both hang from the tree

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first...

Why is Mrs Claus depressed?

Because Santa only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

If you think Thursdays are depressed, wait for two more days....

It will be a sadder day.

Why was the three-legged dog depressed?

Because he had a lack of pawpose.

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

Looking a bit depressed - the Boss shouted out at the worker

Forget about the past - you can’t change it
Forget about the future - you can’t predict it

Forget about the present - i didn’t get you one

Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other sigh.

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what do depressed people and sex addicts have in common?

nuttin’ matters

My wife was depressed so I bought her a trampoline to cheer her up

She's doing much better now but she still has her ups and downs.

Did you hear about the depressed hipster?

They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?

Both hang from trees.

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

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Bought my depressed mate a rabbit for his birthday and he was NOT happy.

He was like “Why the fuck did you buy me a rabbit? What the hell am I going to do with this?”

I was shocked. I was convinced it would cheer him up.

I replied. “Well, I know you can never truly replace old pets, but your girlfriend said you’d been down ever since you lost your hare”

A depressed man tried to high five a tree

But it just left him hanging

I'm horribly depressed guys.

All this gravity is really bringing me down.

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

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I was depressed and found a genie.

He offered me one wish, so I said I wished I could be hung.

**POOF!** my penis doubled in length.

It was then I realized that the proper word was “hanged”

Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

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The best blowjobs come from depressed women.

Because they try to choke on them and die.

What did the depressed extrovert say when he was invited out?

I’m always down

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

I think my dog is depressed.

Whenever I ask him how things are going he says ruff.

What’s the best vegetable to eat if your depressed?

Desparagus

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What did one depressed saggy boob say to the other?

We better get some support before people think we're nuts!

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

My friend was so depressed that he was always late for everything...

... that he threw himself behind a train.

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?"

Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

How did the cowboy know that his horse was depressed?

It was saddled with a long face.

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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

A horse walks into a bar...

and orders a beer.

As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"

The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.

See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes'...

Martin was depressed

Martin was depressed because he never got girls. But then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

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You're not depressed...

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was moping and looking sad. To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than a 100 lbs.

I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong? It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous...

I comforted my depressed friend.

I said, “Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.”

He said, “Yeah, like all the time.”

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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But docto...

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I’ve been depressed, lately, because I’m in my thirties and don’t have a girlfriend

My friends have tried to be supportive.

My wife has been a real jerk about the whole thing.

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

What do depressed teenagers go through everyday?

Pain and Acne

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

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A depressed doctor

A doctor was heavily depressed, he heard 2 voices in his head constantly

the first voice was nice and tried to help him, it said things like "so what if you had sex with your patient", "it is not the end of the world for you", "lot of doctors have done that, it is not a big deal it happens co...

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His rotten girlfriend split on him.

What does depressed soap have?

The big sud

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