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A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.

Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy....

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

I went to my depressed friend's house to hangout.....

....but he already started without me.

When I'm depressed, I cut myself

A piece of cake.

What’s a Depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresso Espresso

Jk it’s cyanide

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

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Why do cows look so depressed after being milked?

Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!

Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

A depressed man tried to high five a tree

But it just left him hanging

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

My friend was so depressed that he was always late for everything...

... that he threw himself behind a train.

How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?

Both hang from trees.

Every time I'm depressed, I walk into a cornfield...

I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it's all ears.

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other sigh.

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

They've found a cure for depression!

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

A man sits at in a bar, depressed. Suddenly, a fly flies in...

At first all the bar patrons ignore the fly but after a while the constant buzzing starts to annoy the man. So, he decides to try and kill it.

He first tries to smack it out of the air. He waits for it to approach his range. It flies closer and closer.

SWING, WHACK!

The man miss...

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

How did the cowboy know that his horse was depressed?

It was saddled with a long face.

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

If you think Thursdays are depressed, wait for two more days....

It will be a sadder day.

I made a portrait of a depressed person and gifted it to them.

They hanged it too.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

What do you call a depressed dam in Iraq

A Saddam

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i was excited when i was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health

being in control group definitely make me depressed

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

What do you call a depressed Canadian?

Red, white, and blue.

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But docto...

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

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30 Times Left

A man is having problems with his penis, which had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is simply burned out. You only have 30 erections left."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is...

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

I'm horribly depressed guys.

All this gravity is really bringing me down.

I think my dog is depressed.

Whenever I ask him how things are going he says ruff.

What's common between a coffin and a depressed person?

Both have dead inside

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

What do depressed teenagers go through everyday?

Pain and Acne

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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

An Irish girl came home with a depressed look on her face.

Her mother says "What's wrong m'deary?" Her daughter says "I've got a case of chlamydia.".

The mother says "Tis fine love. Put it down in the cellar. Your father will drink anything.".

What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

Depressed people's favorite Netflix category

is "watch again"

Last year i was depressed and miserable,

But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed

Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI)

Because they're never ***right.***



\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

I comforted my depressed friend.

I said, “Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.”

He said, “Yeah, like all the time.”

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

What happened to the emo

A depressed emo high off shrooms was walking in the forest when he came across a tree with arms. He tried to give him a high-five but the tree left him hanging.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

What’d do you say to a depressed girl from United Kingdom

UK

Ugly Patient

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied...

Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

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An old man was living at a nursing home. One day a nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked “ Is there anything wrong?”

“ Yes nurse” the old man said. “My private part died today and I am very sad.”

Knowing that her patients were sometimes a little senile she said “oh, I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences”

The next day the old man was walking down the...

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