My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

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A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.

Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy....

What do depressed people and monkeys have in common?

They hang from trees

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

I went to my depressed friend's house to hangout.....

....but he already started without me.

What’s a Depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresso Espresso

Jk it’s cyanide

When I'm depressed, I cut myself

A piece of cake.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

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Why do cows look so depressed after being milked?

Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

What do you call a depressed elector?

A down voter.

A depressed man tried to high five a tree

But it just left him hanging

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

They've found a cure for depression!

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other sigh.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

Why are British people always depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is France!


(Also works with New York - New Jersey)

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope…

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

I made a portrait of a depressed person and gifted it to them.

They hanged it too.

If you think Thursdays are depressed, wait for two more days....

It will be a sadder day.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

What happened to the emo

A depressed emo high off shrooms was walking in the forest when he came across a tree with arms. He tried to give him a high-five but the tree left him hanging.

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But docto...

What do you call a depressed Canadian?

Red, white, and blue.

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

I think my dog is depressed.

Whenever I ask him how things are going he says ruff.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

What do depressed teenagers go through everyday?

Pain and Acne

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

Depressed people's favorite Netflix category

is "watch again"

What's common between a coffin and a depressed person?

Both have dead inside

An Irish girl came home with a depressed look on her face.

Her mother says "What's wrong m'deary?" Her daughter says "I've got a case of chlamydia.".

The mother says "Tis fine love. Put it down in the cellar. Your father will drink anything.".

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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

I'm horribly depressed guys.

All this gravity is really bringing me down.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

What did the depressed teen say in the Midwest?

Please end my Missouri

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI)

Because they're never ***right.***



\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

I comforted my depressed friend.

I said, “Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.”

He said, “Yeah, like all the time.”

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

What’d do you say to a depressed girl from United Kingdom

UK

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

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A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.

"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"

T...

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An old man was living at a nursing home. One day a nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked “ Is there anything wrong?”

“ Yes nurse” the old man said. “My private part died today and I am very sad.”

Knowing that her patients were sometimes a little senile she said “oh, I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences”

The next day the old man was walking down the...

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

Last year i was depressed and miserable,

But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed

Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being

She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!"

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

My wife looked into the mirror and said "I feel fat and it's making me depressed."



"Well then," I replied "stop touching it."

What does depressed soap have?

The big sud

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