UPJOKE
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A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app...

called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.

I'm a blatant racist.

I hate all races, bicycle races, foot races, marathon races, car races. Every race.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV?

Jar Jar Binks

Blatant re-post. "If a man speaks his opinion....

...and there is no woman around to correct him, is he still wrong?"

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My Sister is Obsessed With the Worst Guy Ever

To this day I don't understand what my little sister sees in this guy. He's unemployed and has absolutely no ambition to get a job. Not only does he rely on her for food but this fucker moved in as soon as they met despite my warnings to at least get to know him a little better before making such a ...

What do you call tea that isn't very blatant?

Subtle tea

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets h...

Democracy

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner: pizza or tacos .

They picked pizza.

So I made steamed broccoli because that's what we get after we are done voting.

(Blatant copy from another joke)

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

At recess, all the children are playing outside.

Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too.

"No, go away," replied Little Jack. "You're different and weird."

A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars.

"No thanks, I'd rather n...

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

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A man and woman were about to "get it on"

He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,

"Oh shit,what happened to your feet?"

He replies,"Oh that.I had tolio."

"You mean polio don't you?"

"No.It just infected my toes."

Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.

"Oh my,Wha...

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A wrestler meets with his coach

A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, ...

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A woman starts her new job at an old folks home

She's placed in the dementia ward and goes about her day. Later in the day, an old man starts running around the TV area with his arms held wide, making airplane noises shouting "I'm flying to California! I'm flying to California!"

She rushes over and calms him down, finally able to sit him ...

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

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Mohammed goes to school....

The children were returning to class after playtime.

The first child into class was Jack.
''Jack,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?''
''I was playing in the sandpit,'' replied Jack.
''How fun! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you can have a cookie!''
Jack s...

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A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

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The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agree...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, who is blatantly drunk. He walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says "Sorry bud we don't serve drunks. So the man gets out of his chair and walks out the side door and then goes back in the front door. He orders another drink. Bartender...

I got arrested for open carrying at a quadriplegic convention.

Honestly, it was blatant discrimination. They kept saying I was two armed.

I have a pen that can write underwater

It can also write "blatant repost" too.

I was just minding my business at lunch when a police officer came and took a handful of my Chinese food...

it was a blatant violation of my rice.

There was once an ambitious prince...

Born the youngest out of 4 brothers.

There was a heated discussion when all four princes were at an appropriate age for being candidates to the throne. But alas, how unfair fate is as our little prince was bested by his brothers.

At an early age he found himself planting seeds of envy ...

You see a man on the bus and he has a stutter...

... and he is trying to ask for directions. The stuttering man walks up to someone sitting down.

"E-ex-ex-excuse me, but wh-wh-what stop is the b-b-b-bank?"

The person briefly glaces to the stuttering man... then he looks down and doesn't answer. You think this is pretty unusual! Why ...

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Four guys go golfing.

Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up.

The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids.

The first man says, “I'm really proud of my ...

I was watching the WWE wrestling with my son today...

...when I finally snapped at the whole charade and blatant fakeness of it all.

It's about time he was told he's adopted.

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


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Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

A man asks his neighbor to watch his house

A man asks his neighbor to watch his house while he goes on vacation for a couple weeks. The first day the man is gone he calls the neighbor to check up on everything. Neighbor says, "your cat is dead"

The man is obviously hurt, but also shocked at how blatant he was given the information. He...

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A young girl goes to the zoo with her mother

and the girl see's something between the elephant's legs and asks what it is. The mother is shocked so she says "oh that's nothing." A week later the girl goes to the zoo with her father and asks about the elephant again. The father blatantly says "it's a penis." The girl replies with "but mother sa...

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So there's a new drink at the bar...

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"

Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"

In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you ...

A guy goes to the hospital with an infection in his leg

It has gotten so bad that they decide the only course of action is to amputate the leg. So they put the guy under and perform the surgery. When he wakes up, he immediately realizes that they had amputated the wrong leg. He is furious, but they obviously still have to amputate the infected leg. S...

I once played chess with an Egyptian King...

...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.

Eureka

There once were 2 people: A and B.

A was always up and about while B was always dormant, staying put in his bathtub all day and night.

One day, A had a cold. When A was walking about a countless number of individuals insulted A and laughed at him. Unable to smell, A could not understan...

Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…

…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"

Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."

Juan: "Yeah?"

Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there ...

Two Sikhs are fighting with each other on the street...

"I WILL A KILL YOU!" One says blatantly.
"AND THEN?" The other bellows while widening his eyes.

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