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Dating Jokes

Daughter: "Mom, I'm dating the neighbor"

Mother: "But he could be your father..."

Daughter: "Age doesn't count for me, Mom!"

Mother:" I don't think you understand..."

What is Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her. Pound her.

I tried dating a cougar once.

Turned out she was a cheetah.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

Started dating a girl.

I thought she might be the one.

But after looking through her wardrobe,

and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit,

and a Police woman's uniform,

I finally decided: If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was dating three women and wanted to marry one.

He couldn’t choose between them, so he decided to give them a test. He took $1500 out of the bank and gave each one $500 to see how they’d spend it.

The first spent it all on herself. When he asked why, she said she wanted to look her best for him.

The second spent it all on him. Wh...

"I'm dating a biologist," said the man...

"And I don't like to brag, but when I go over to her place, she always has multiple organisms."

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for Palaeontologists……..

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

In my twenties, I lived in a houseboat and I started dating the girl next door.

Eventually….we drifted apart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

Why did zero start dating?

To find “the one”!

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I was dating a religious girl, but it didn't work out.

I saw on her phone that she was meeting some guy called John at 3:16, so I'm like, "No thanks, I'm out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is dating this girl Paula

He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only ...

I was dating someone with a lazy eye, but I broke up with her...

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like dating black girls

Because I don't have to meet their dads

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I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

My job is hosting a dating website for insects…….

Don’t judge me. I’m just trying to make ants meet

What's the best dating service in India?

Connect the dots.

(I'll see my self out.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick ?

U can drop her off anywhere

Dating a single mother

Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game

A new dating website has been taking Alabama by storm...

It's pretty uncommon in other places, so you may have heard of it. It's called OnlyFams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stripper's dating ad

A stripper got desperate and tired of the men she was with always turning out to be assholes. She puts an ad on a dating say simply saying "I want a man who will never beat me, never run away from me, and is good in bed" after dating a few more assholes the doorbell rings one day. She opens the door...

I used to run a dating service for chickens

but I was struggling to make hens meet.

I wrote a guide about dating guys with small d!cks.

It's called "He's not that into you."

Dating women is like squaring numbers

If they're under 15, just do them in your head.

After 20 years of dating an Archaeologist, it’s finally over

She was always digging up the past.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy was dating twins...

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the best part about dating a black girl?

You don't have to meet her father.

I was dating a schizophrenic chick and

I left her cause she was seeing other people

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

I was dating a girl from Romania, but she only wanted to vacation in Italy all the time

After our 17th trip in 3 years, I found I had misunderstood her on our first date, when she'd confessed to having Rome-mania

I joined a dating sight for arsonist’s…

They sent me a lot of matches.

I started dating a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin.

I can’t remember if I’m taking her out Wednesday or Thursday night.

The Dating Ad

A woman places an ad in the newspaper. "Woman searches love: Must be respectful and never abuse me. Must be not run to the pub and return late drunk. Must be a great lover."

Sometime later that week the doorbell rings and she opens the door surprised to see a quadriplegic in a wheelchai...

I've just started dating an anaesthesiologist

She's a real knockout

Programmers make bad dating partners

A JavaScript developer will make empty promises and not call you back.

A Java developer will act classy but he’ll treat you as an object.

And a Python developer will take up all the space and everything will move too slow anyway.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, ...

There is a new site for senior citizen dating.

Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

I’m dating a Zumba instructor

But it isn’t working out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?...

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

Dating apps are so weird

Apparently "must be an animal lover" doesn't mean what you think.

The worst part about online dating

is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were dating. NSFW

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymor...

What do dating apps and the 4th of July have in common?

Both really get going just after dark, start with a spark, and end with a bang.

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."

"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

Did you hear about the dating app for comedians?

It's called FunnyBones

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