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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

It doesn't matter where you drop her off in the morning....

My fortune teller told me that there is a man dating my girlfriend and that he is coming to kill me.

I was devastated to hear that she was cheating on me so I killed myself.

I was dating this girl who had a wooden leg

But it just wasn’t going well. So I broke it off.

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Kim Kardashian dating Pete Davidson is ….

… pretty fucking funny.

I was disappointed that my sister started dating a guy who praised Stalin, idolized Karl Marx, and was working to form a union at work

I don't know she missed all the red flags

A new dating website has been taking Alabama by storm...

It's pretty uncommon in other places, so you may have heard of it. It's called OnlyFams.

What do you call it when meeting up with people from dating apps?

Playing with matches.

Why are Dolphins so successful at dating?

They always click with one another!

My sister is dating a guy in a wheelchair but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

I've been told he's not a stand up guy.

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Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

I was dating a schizophrenic chick and

I left her cause she was seeing other people

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

I started dating a girl who loves soccer

She’s a keeper

A couple had been dating for a few months.

And they decided to consummate the relationship.

As they were driving to the hotel the man says, “Just so you know I am really nervous about doing this, you see I am built like a baby boy down there.”

She replies, “OMG I bet that was really hard to to confess too! And I am so relieved...

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

What's a geologist's favorite dating app?

Carbon-14 Dating.

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[speed-dating]

ME: so, are you into anal?

HER: sorry, what?!

ME: *writes "bad listener" in notebook*

I used to use a Halloween themed dating app

I left because I kept getting ghosted.

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

Why can’t your trust dating a person with a lazy eye ?

Cuz you’d always have to worry they would be seeing someone on the side.

A friend of mine is dating a woman he met during a traffic jam.

"She was in the car ahead of me," he said, "and I accidentally stepped on the gas when I meant to hit the brake."

"Did you rear-end her?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, but not until the third date."

LinkedIn is like reverse dating site for IT nerds

They get a lot of messages from girls

But ignore most of them

I was dating an older woman once

I told her to act her age and she died.

I signed up for a dating service through a local college.

How was I to know that at Carbon Dating I'd only be introduced to old fossils!

I once tried dating in China and Turkey

It didn't work out, there were a lot of red flags everywhere

After years of dating. John and Gail decided to go ahead and get married.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you...

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After getting back into the dating scene…..

I decided to stock up on condoms. I go and grab 2 12 packs and throw them up on the counter. The lady behind the counter looks at the condoms then me and says, “you must have a real sexually active son at home.”

“Why would I need condoms for my son,” I replied. “He can’t get pregnant.”

Dating is just like ordering food at a restaurant.

You take a look at everything there is on offer, you know the kind of thing you like so that helps you make your choice.

But when the food arrives you still want what the other guy ordered.

A crab and a lobster start dating

Sadly, the crab and the lobster had to keep their relationship a secret as normally lobsters always looked down on the low-class crabs. But as they continued their relationship, they realized they wanted to marry and the girl lobster insisted that she needed to introduce her crab boyfriend to her fa...

I’m dating a homeless woman.

I’m going to move out with her next month.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier...

Dating is like tetris

The longer you wait to put the stick in the hole, the more points you get.

Twenty years ago...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a...

I joined a Christian dating site

And got Holy Ghosted

Dating a religious girl is the best

I cheat, she finds out.
Then we go and pray. And **BLAME THE DEVIL FOR IT.**

Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot.

Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

I made an account on a dating site for people with sleep apnea.

I got a couple of messages but I'm too tired to check them out.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

The dumb and deaf are better than the blind in the dating game.

They can read signs

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn’t work out…

So many red flags

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

Which Disney Princess is always on dating apps?

Tinderella.

I'm thinking about starting a dating service in Prague

I shall call it "Czech-Mate"

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

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I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

Job searching is a lot like dating

Every company wants you to give them unique compliments when you're being interviewed or else they don't think you mean it.

Before we started dating, my girlfriend was in an abusive relationship and she'd Never talk about it.

For the entire first year of our relationship, I just thought she hated high fives.

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Why is Love/dating much like a fart?

Because if you have to force it, its probably shit anyway.

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