Crime Scene Jokes

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

It doesn't add up

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f... read more

Well move along, there's nothing to see here.

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away... read more

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o... read more

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

Sherlock homes foo.

Two Texas Rangers arrive at a crime scene...

There they find a black male hanging from a tree by a noose with 4 bullet holes in his back ...

The rookie asks "what do you think sir?"
The Sgt. Replies "Goddamn worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

No one puts baby in a coroner.

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

A body lies severed across the tracks.

Inspector: "Do we have a motive?"

Officer: "Loco."

“Move it along everyone, nothing to see here.”

"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

There's never any dirty dishes in the sink, the floors are spotless, all the surfaces are wiped down. I even do this if I'm visiting somewhere. If I see a fingerprint or a footprint I just have to take care of it. It makes me a GREAT roommate... but a TERRIBLE crime scene investigator.

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

The victim is lying face down on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Huge chunks have been taken out of him, and clear teeth marks are visible around the open wounds. Against a nearby wall lies the suspected killer. Mouth full of blood (likely not his own) and back broken in such a way that he can... read more

"Sorry, that's on a knead to dough basis."

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma... read more

The one in front got tired, and the one behind got exhausted.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an... read more

A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective.

The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?"

"Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective.

"I heard that there's been a ... read more

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ... read more

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up... read more

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

EDIT: *were
-Sir, we arrived at the crime scene
-Send the report
-A woman killed her husband. She stabbed him 35 times, shot him twice, beat him, beheaded him and finally burned him.
-Wow, what was the reason?
-The man stepped on the floor after she cleaned it.
-And did... read more

Give a man a fish, and he won't see you dump the body in the lake.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive..

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear... read more

Two turtles are walking down the street, while all of a sudden, a third turtle comes up to them and robs them. The two call the police to report the robbery, and when the police officer comes to the crime scene and asks the two turtles what happened, one of them replies, "I don't know....it all happ... read more

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

Lawyer: The bad news is that they did a DNA analysis of the blood found at the crime scene and you're going to charged with triple homicide.

Prisoner Joe: What's the good news?

Lawyer: Your cholesterol is down to 200.

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu... read more

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

There will be other peoples DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there...

But she doesn’t know how to commit a murder. She calls one of her best friends and tells her “I want him dead, but I’m to scared to do it. Could you help?”
Her best friend tells her “It’s alright, I got this and I’ll make it look like an accident.”

The next day the police are called beca... read more

A man by the name of Juan Gonzalez was killed, and there was almost no evidence left behind.

The local police called in the FBI because they couldn’t find a single lead.

The FBI investigator comes to the crime scene and has the case solved almost immediately.

“He was killed w... read more

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an... read more

Me: Guy walks into a bar

Person: who was he?

Me: I don't know; anyway, Guy walks into a bar

Person: Was he white, black, Mexican, what?

Me: Race shouldn't matter...Guy walks into a bar...

Person: Was he a drunk? Was he drunk? What was he doing?

Me: I guess h... read more