What happens when you mix Birth Control and Acid?

A trip without the kids

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NSFW Birth control honey at a farmers market

Vendor standing around trying to move his honey at a farmers market. Another salesman walks by and offers his assistance to the Farmer. Farmer decides to let the salesman do his thing.

Salesman starts yelling: "WE GOT REAL HONEY! ALL NATURAL, FRESH AND ITS A BIRTH CONTROL, YOU ARE GURANTEED N...

My doctor says I can’t get birth control

It’s been a real pain in the ass

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

Have you guys heard about this new birth control method?

It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

What form of birth control works better with holes in it?

Crocs

Why are birth control pills so hard to get out of the package?

Childproofing

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What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

Birth control...

Is a condom missed conception.

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

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NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

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Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.

The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in...

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

A friend of mine said she was using detergent as birth control

She had her tubes Tide.

What’s the most common form of birth control at Hogwart’s?

*Coitus Interruptus*

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

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My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

They have a new birth control for men, which is pretty fair.

It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets from the gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.

With the announcement that gel is being used by men as a form of birth control has many women upset

It must be a tough pill for them to swallow

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Why dont you need birth controls when having sex with British boys?

They are the earliest to pull out of eu.

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A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you wer...

What does a mama bear on birth control have in common with the world series?

No cubs

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Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

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[NSFW] Women have a new form a birth control

She'll fuck a guy real hard and then about half-way through lay on her back and then take it up the ass. It's called *The Falcon Method*.

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Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control.

I told her it’s because it’s child-proof.

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Doggy birth control

An old woman has two dachsunds, one male and one female. A friend asks her how she stops them breeding when the female comes into heat?
"I just put Trudi upstairs, while I keep Heinz on the main floor," the owner explains.
Puzzled, the friend asks how that helps?
The old girl replies, "Have...

What type of tree doesn’t need to worry about birth control?

A rubber tree.

They should make birth control for men

Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

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Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

How is the south dealing with birth control

They are banning family reunions

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!

It's called 'not having a girlfriend'

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I sure hope 'up' is on birth control...

...because I’ve been fucking it quite a bit lately

My wife said I'm lucky because I don't have to deal with women issues; periods, birth control, menopause...

Yeah, but you get to live longer.

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the do...

Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...

This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.

My doctor asked me what I am using for birth control.

I told him my personality. It's 100% effective.

What is your preferred type of birth control?

"Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."

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It turns out there IS a natural birth control that's 100% effective. You have to more than just careful with it...

Fact is, you have to be totally anal.

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Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

Ask the doctor

- Good morning Doctor. I wanted to ask if I can take the birth control pills with diarrhea.
- I would advise you to take them with water, but whatever you want. no contraindications.

Teacher asks students

\- "Did you ever save anybody's life?"

\- "I did." Steve raises his hand.

\- "Whose life did you save?"

\- "My nephew’s."

\- "How?"

\- "I hid my sister's birth control pills."

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This morning, my daughter told me that she was gay.

I told her in response: "That's fantastic; I love you very much. It will save a fortune on birth control medicines."

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

My wife gave birth the other day.

Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded...

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Sex lesson

An alternate phrase for the pull out method of birth control is “debone”.
It’s not very effective so it’s bad to debone.

To teenage daughter:

“Learn from my mistakes. Use birth control.”

Cinderella

So Cinderella is going to go out with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

"Absolutely not!" says the Fairy Godmother.

"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are all of these little princes running around."

...

You know how all these actresses are pulling out of Georgia over the abortion thing...





don't they know that isn't effective birth control?

Population Growth

A small town with a high birth rate attracted the attention of a team of university sociologists. They wrote a grant proposal, got a chunk of money, hired aides and an anthropologist, found a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, and des...

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

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Man and his doctor's advice

A man came to the chamber of a well known doctor.
**Doctor:** Hello and good afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
*Man:* I don't want any more baby, doc. Save me.


**Doctor:** Okay, tell me why can't you stop having a baby?
*Man:* I used a condom so that my semen won't...

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