UPJOKE
family planningcondompregnancyvasectomyfemale condomdiaphragmtubal ligationbreastfeedingabortionbirth preventioncontraceptionuterusspermsterilizationonanism

Birth Control Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

Birth control in an African Village

The great white doctor comes to an impoverished African village where he sees several young mothers either pregnant or with several small kids in tow, all showing signs of malnourishment. On inquiry through an interpreter, he learned that the chief was a rather amorous character and all the ladies a...

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without the kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doggy birth control

An old woman has two dachsunds, one male and one female. A friend asks her how she stops them breeding when the female comes into heat?
"I just put Trudi upstairs, while I keep Heinz on the main floor," the owner explains.
Puzzled, the friend asks how that helps?
The old girl replies, "Have...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.

The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in...

What did the stubborn eggs say to the birth control?

"You cant de-fetus!"

My doctor says I can’t get birth control

It’s been a real pain in the ass

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their sense of humor

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

when it comes to birth control

Condoms are 98% effective and the pill is 99%.
How about the birth control experts just figure how to make cum taste like chocolate, everyone wins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

Why do the Amish use birth control?

To stop the spread of Abes.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Birth control honey at a farmers market

Vendor standing around trying to move his honey at a farmers market. Another salesman walks by and offers his assistance to the Farmer. Farmer decides to let the salesman do his thing.

Salesman starts yelling: "WE GOT REAL HONEY! ALL NATURAL, FRESH AND ITS A BIRTH CONTROL, YOU ARE GURANTEED N...

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

My girlfriend told me she was on birth control but it wasn’t true.

Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI.

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

What form of birth control works better with holes in it?

Crocs

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

They should make birth control for men

Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you wer...

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dont you need birth controls when having sex with British boys?

They are the earliest to pull out of eu.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

A friend of mine said she was using detergent as birth control

She had her tubes Tide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Women have a new form a birth control

She'll fuck a guy real hard and then about half-way through lay on her back and then take it up the ass. It's called *The Falcon Method*.

What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birth Control

16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, “It’s very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, ‘What will be the name of our baby?’ That’ll scare t...

How is the south dealing with birth control

They are banning family reunions

What’s the most common form of birth control at Hogwart’s?

*Coitus Interruptus*

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

Male birth control can be accomplished by putting a common aspirin in your shoe.

It makes you limp.







edit; forgot an "s".

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

What type of tree doesn’t need to worry about birth control?

A rubber tree.

I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!

It's called 'not having a girlfriend'

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

My doctor asked me what I am using for birth control.

I told him my personality. It's 100% effective.

I knew a girl who always confused her birth control and anti-depressants

She had the sweetest little baby.

Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...

This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

What does a mama bear on birth control have in common with the world series?

No cubs

What is your preferred type of birth control?

"Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."

My wife said I'm lucky because I don't have to deal with women issues; periods, birth control, menopause...

Yeah, but you get to live longer.

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.

It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It turns out there IS a natural birth control that's 100% effective. You have to more than just careful with it...

Fact is, you have to be totally anal.

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

One year I was asked to be poster boy

for birth control.

Elderly Woman

“An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."


Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you ha...

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens if u give a lawyer viagra?

He grows.





But seriously: what do lawyers use for birth control?


Their business card.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.