UPJOKE
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Govern Jokes

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener.

It makes scents if you think about it.

What do you get when the government gets involved in digestive issues.

An enema of the state.

Why is the government so worried about a Hispanic felon who's hard of hearing?

Because that's Deaf-Con Juan.

To increase foreign currency reserves, the Government of China is offering a limited-time double exchange rate offer.

Buy Yuan get Yuan free.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

How does the government do things so efficiently?

If you lie, cheat, and steal all at once, you get a volume discount.

What does the cake say at the government printing office retirement party?

This cake intentionally left blank

I'm not sure about the current US government

Kinda feels like they're just Biden time until the next election..

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

Real conversation with my 6-year-old:

Him (looking at a bank building): Is this where they keep the money that you donate to them?

Me: Yes, but we don't _donate_ to the bank, we _deposit_ into the bank. 'Deposit' means that you're going to take it back later. 'Donate' means that you just give it away and don't expect to ever get ...

The government offered to buy my guns from me.

After a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

If Government can print money

Then why are we paying taxes?!?

Republicans want small government

So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

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Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps up in the air

the government shoots her unidentified ass down.

Government Briefing:

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today…

…He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

The Californian government was raising funds to build a new highway. The biggest donors were Apple corp, and a Chinese artist.

Ended up being called the i-Ai Weiwei Way.

Did you hear about the pigeons that overthrew the government?

They formed a "coo".

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

My brother has a government job

He gets 42 cents per hour.

islas Malvinas

The English Government had finally decided to give the veterans of this terrible war between Argentina and the UK, some financial support, to the families of the veterans and to the veteran themselves. One of this war's veteran went to a pub in London and started pointing to a drink behind the barma...

What is the difference between government taxes and your wife's?

Five years on, the taxes will still suck you.

The fastest dad alive

Three kids were on a school playground bragging about their fathers.

The first kid said, “ My dad is the fastest man alive. He can shoot an arrow at a target and run and catch it before it hits the target!”

The second kid said, “That’s nothing! My dad can shoot a gun and catch the bul...

Two students of architecture, one Italian and one Greek are at a bar to celebrate their graduation

The Italian student proposes an idea his Greek classmate, “Let's meet up again in 10 years, to see how successful we have become”. The Greek student, interested in this proposition, accepts.

10 years later

The Greek man is invited to the home of the Italian man, when he arrives, he is ...

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

my first published joke

My wife and I were not doing well in the bedroom. So we decided to go to an adult store. My wife, being from Kentucky, was a little hesitant as she felt that good southern girls shouldn't be there. After browsing a while, we each picked a few items, paid and left. When we got home she showed me a bo...

The economy in the UK...

... is getting so dire that the elderly aren't getting to enjoy their retirement.

The BBC interviewed 73 year old Charles from Windsor: "despite having a generous government pension, I've had to start working today."

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

My Son asked me to explain how Government work

So I told him. They measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk and cut with Axe.

I think Unilever should print little government conspiracies on their cotton swabs.

They could call them “Q tips”

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe...

... the German government predicts an imminent shortage of sausage and cheese, and are formulating a plan for emergency intervention to deal with this impending crisis.

They're referring to the plan as their Wurst/Kase scenario.

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash

Yo Momma is so ugly

The government extended mask mandates to give everyone's eyes a break

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Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

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What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

How do we know the government wasn't behind 9/11?

Because it worked.

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

Swedish government is not allowing the aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov in their territorial waters

The main issues seem to be related to the working conditions of the rowers.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

Why is Putin's government like Microsoft Edge?

You can't uninstall either.

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

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During a water shortage, the government encouraged us to piss in the shower to save the water from flushing

I now have to shower 3-4 times a day and it’s not clear to me how this is helping with the water shortage…

Did you hear the joke about the government cover-up?

No? Good

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Little Johnny and politics

Little Johnny asks his dad: "*Dad, what is politics?*"

The dad replies: "*Let me give you an example: I'm the capitalist because I bring home the money; your mother is the government because she manages the money; the maid is the working class, while you are the people and your sister is the ...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Why do millenials think the government saved their lives?

Because they are indebted to it forever.

Did you hear about the Chinese guy who spoke out against the government?

Exactly ;)

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

The government says all boys must take their friends to dinner once a week...

It’s a man date

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?

Taiwanasaurus

What do you call a Czechoslovakian government made of tightropes and skateboards?

A system of Czechs and balances!

Feel free to tell your history teacher, they'll probably laugh.

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

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Tunnel project

A japanese, a german and a Turkish company are fighting to take a tunnel project from a government to complete.

The germans say they start digging from one end and get out from the other end and deliver one tunnel.

The japans say they would start digging from the both end and meet at ...

An American and a Russian were arguing about the differences in their countries.

The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say “ President Biden I do not like the way you’re governing our country”

The Russian says: i can do that.

The American says: what how?

The Russian says: i can go st...

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Japanese government delegation visits Russia [USSR for oldtimers]

Russian officials give them tours around Moscow and show off the best they could to impress honorable guests. Whenever they ask guests how they like the streets, buildings, or "state-of-the-art" plants, guests give the same feedback smile, bow, and "You have wonderful children".

On the final ...

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A runner walks into a bar

An ultra runner jogs into a bar and orders a beer. She reaches into her sweaty sports bra and pulls out a sweaty crumpled $5 bill to pay. The bartender gingerly picks up the damp bill with a pair of tongs and dumps it in a bucket. "You realize every time I get money with bodily fluids on them I have...

A Gorbachev joke my dad told me a few years ago

Mikhail Gorbachev visits the US and meet with Ronald Reagan. They talk about how each country chooses their second in command. Gorbachev says that the Communist Party gives rigorous exams and screenings to choose the second in command. Reagan says he gives a test to figure out who to choose. He call...

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.

In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

Why does government hate organised crime?

They don't like competition

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Obsessive Compulsive...

The representative body that supports people who suffer from OCD have petitioned the Government to change the acronym to CDO in alphabetical order the way it should be...

I heard there were some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government.

It was a failed coo

Why don’t horse’s governments ever get anything done?

Because they always vote neigh

If I started a non government organisation...

I would call it B.I.


That would be its name-o

Criticizing the government

for Russian journalists it’s a once-in-a-liftetime opportunity

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

What is it called when a group of drug addicts overthrow the government?

A high coup

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Biden.

You know what we should do to all those people who soak up government money and don’t work for it?

Kick them outta office!

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

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Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

When it comes to government conspiracy theories...

First make sure it can't be attributed to incompetence.

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

My wife is very paranoid.

She keeps saying that the government is plotting to kill her...

It's nice that she views me with such authority.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn’t.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you’ll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we’re going at night'

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?

Because they'll make a coup.

Original... hopefully

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

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