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Govern Jokes

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

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Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

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The federal government gives the FBI, CIA, and LAPD a challenge

The federal government releases a rabbit into a forest and tells the FBI, CIA, and LAPD that whoever successfully finds that rabbit in three days would become the official law enforcement agency for the entire country.

The FBI combs the forest from top to bottom with their own agents, searchi...

The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.

...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.

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What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

Republicans want small government

So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom

How has the Russian government started spelling Ukraine?

A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n.

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

What is a government mandate?

When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

The Government are looking to stop doing Roman numerals on clocks!

Not on my watch

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

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Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.

(Bad but OC)

Government Briefing:

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today…

…He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

The Russian government renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called *Special Military Operation and Peace*

I think Unilever should print little government conspiracies on their cotton swabs.

They could call them “Q tips”

What do you call a stoned poem that attempts to overthrow the government?

A high coup

The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener.

It makes scents if you think about it.

Why does the Chinese government crackdown on keyboard warriors?

They don't want to have another Typing Rebellion

If Government can print money

Then why are we paying taxes?!?

What do you call a Snake that Works in the Government?

My account got falsely permanently suspended

My brother has a government job

He gets 42 cents per hour.

I'm starting to hate the U.S. government

The NSA appears to be the only department which listens

I'm not sure about the current US government

Kinda feels like they're just Biden time until the next election..

How does the government do things so efficiently?

If you lie, cheat, and steal all at once, you get a volume discount.

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

What do you get when the government gets involved in digestive issues.

An enema of the state.

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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I'm with the government when it comes to solving our countries problems.

I haven't got a fucking clue either.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

Criticizing the government

for Russian journalists it’s a once-in-a-liftetime opportunity

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

Justin Timberlake is under pressure from the US government to reveal the location of his secret fishing villa in war-torn Ukraine.

His only response is, Crimea River.

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

What does the cake say at the government printing office retirement party?

This cake intentionally left blank

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump...

Why is the government so worried about a Hispanic felon who's hard of hearing?

Because that's Deaf-Con Juan.

Did you hear about the pigeons that overthrew the government?

They formed a "coo".

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

Why does government hate organised crime?

They don't like competition

What is the difference between government taxes and your wife's?

Five years on, the taxes will still suck you.

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?

Taiwanasaurus

My Son asked me to explain how Government work

So I told him. They measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk and cut with Axe.

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the...

Why is Putin's government like Microsoft Edge?

You can't uninstall either.

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

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Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

The economy in the UK...

... is getting so dire that the elderly aren't getting to enjoy their retirement.

The BBC interviewed 73 year old Charles from Windsor: "despite having a generous government pension, I've had to start working today."

If I started a non government organisation...

I would call it B.I.


That would be its name-o

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

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Japanese government delegation visits Russia [USSR for oldtimers]

Russian officials give them tours around Moscow and show off the best they could to impress honorable guests. Whenever they ask guests how they like the streets, buildings, or "state-of-the-art" plants, guests give the same feedback smile, bow, and "You have wonderful children".

On the final ...

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash

When it comes to government conspiracy theories...

First make sure it can't be attributed to incompetence.

To increase foreign currency reserves, the Government of China is offering a limited-time double exchange rate offer.

Buy Yuan get Yuan free.

Why do millenials think the government saved their lives?

Because they are indebted to it forever.

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.

In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

Why can't engines remain government leaders?

Once the first revolution begins there's always thousands more.

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Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?

Strippers don't rig their polls.

With the coronation of King Charles, there was discussion about orthographic modernization--shortening spelling of words like "colour" and "labour" but the UK government responded

Never gonna give "u" up

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

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What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

Why don’t horse’s governments ever get anything done?

Because they always vote neigh

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up,and they wish it would fall.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

What do you call a Czechoslovakian government made of tightropes and skateboards?

A system of Czechs and balances!

Feel free to tell your history teacher, they'll probably laugh.

What's a 3 line poem that overthrows a government?

A Hai-coup

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

When the government decides what is appropriate for you to see...

They call it a "proper gander".

Please help me improve this!

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

Governments worldwide are pushing electric cars.

It's just going to cause a re volt.

Job description: Cook Chinese food for government officials.

Federal Asian.

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Biden.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.

One of them is organised.

Government official visits a remote village

An official once went on a field trip to one of the small remote villages.

He asked, what can the government do for you?

They replied: we have a health center, but there is no doctor.

He immediately picked up his phone and dialed

a number and in a very strong voice deman...

Did you hear about the Chinese guy who spoke out against the government?

Exactly ;)

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

Swedish government is not allowing the aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov in their territorial waters

The main issues seem to be related to the working conditions of the rowers.

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?

Because they'll make a coup.

Original... hopefully

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

The government says all boys must take their friends to dinner once a week...

It’s a man date

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