The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?

Taiwanasaurus

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

What does the US government use to kill flies?

They use a S.W.A.T team

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?

Because they'll make a coup.

Original... hopefully

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I would make a joke about the government right now

But it probably wouldn’t accomplish anything

What did the telecommunications infrastructure company director say in response to requests to alter his company's 5G network blueprint from government officials in order to satisfy privacy concerns?

It's my way or the Huawei

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian government wants to build a factory [long]

So they called for bids from several local and international companies. Three were shortlisted: one local, one Chinese, one Japanese.

* The Japanese firm offered to build it for 25 Mn dollars in six months, and offered a guarantee for 10 years. But they were not keen on bribing the contract o...

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

What's the difference between the government and a banjo?

You can fix a banjo.

< Hell Around The World >



A man from Russia dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell
for each country. He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails...

Death Row Prisoners revolted and made their own government

I don't really believe in it - it's a condemned-nation.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

World is funny, If government find oil or diamonds in your backyard it's government property but

If they find drugs it's yours.

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

What's a 3 line poem that overthrows a government?

A Hai-coup

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US Government furious at China for making Covid anal swabs mandatory for all foreign arrivals

If anyone's going to fuck our citizens, it's gonna be us! The US government!

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him ...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
...

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them

They're mostly old and white.

I heard the government was putting chips in people.

Well mine better be sour cream and onion.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is politics?

oldie but goldie...



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Governmen...

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out

They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?

I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

What do you call someone who livestreams their effort to overthrow a government?

An exseditionist

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

What do you call a bunch of chickens in a two-doored car trying to overthrow the government?

A coop coupe coup.

My brain is like a government computer

It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

Governments worldwide are pushing electric cars.

It's just going to cause a re volt.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6 ...

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

What does a government give to their top agent who is also a shrimp?

A license to Krill.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Indian government building so many toilets?

So that people could give a shit.

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three:

One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the poor.
One to report it as a conspiracy to deprive the poor of darkness.
And one to win a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that the electric company hired someone to break the lightbulb in the first place.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An RCMP officer stopped at Sandy Bay First Nations and talked to an elderly Indigenous gentleman standing on the road.

He told the old man, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay," the elder said reluctantly, "but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed to the location. The officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government...

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR

Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical experts in Washington DC today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while optome...

Why should the government never use protestors in circuits?

They have too much resistance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian student in USA(NSFW)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Liverpool have won the league, the government is paying people not to work....

Somewhere there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp wondering what to do with his last wish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only in England.

£800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.

But reduced to £400 if paid early.

If you catch covid at the party, the government will

give you £500 to stay at home.

That's £100 profit.

This country is absolutely fucked.

Government official visits a remote village

An official once went on a field trip to one of the small remote villages.

He asked, what can the government do for you?

They replied: we have a health center, but there is no doctor.

He immediately picked up his phone and dialed

a number and in a very strong voice deman...

What happened to the government when the president was impeached for the first time ever?

They found themselves in an unpresidented situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The government has decided to ban all alcohol adverts on pornography websites

When asked, an official commented:

'We made this decision for the wellbeing of the kids who watch it'

I tried to get the Russian government to throw all of their old leaders in the Grand Canyon but they refused.

Nobody understands my Tzar Chasm...

The horse government never gets anything done...

The politicians always vote Nay.















I'm sorry

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

Did you hear about the guy that reported the Chernobyl incident to the Soviet Government?

He was always such a goody 3 shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Don't Need a Girlfriend to have Sex,

My Government Fucks me Every Single Day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

Why does the Chinese government not use harddrives?

They prefer a solid state

Why don't local government prioritize the concerns of laborers who collect minerals in caves?

They're only miner issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies...

the government is saying if you survived covid-19 they want your plasma

aint nobody finna take my TV

There’s a saying in the South

If at first you don’t secede, ask for government help after and try again

I'm thinking about getting the Allegory of Bad Government tattooed on my lowered back...

...it'll be my new Trump Stamp.

If everyone stopped paying taxes...

The government couldn't afford to do anything about it.....

A man is being interviewed for a government position.

The interviewer asks him "Do you advocate the overthrow of the government, by violence or subversion?".

The candidate replies "I think I prefer subversion.".

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

The US government wants to test how good some of its instituions are at tracking down someone...

So they release a marked rabbit into a forest and task the CIA, the FBI and the police with finding it.

The CIA goes first. They try sattelite imagery, informants, drones, everything they can, but after six months they give up, saying that they can't find the rabbit.

Next goes the FBI....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day little Billy's teacher told him to ask his parents what the government is

\--Dad, can you tell me about the government

\--Well, think of it like this, I'm the president, your mom is congress, the maid is the working force, you are the people and.... your little brother is the future.

\--I don't get it

Dad sent Billy to sleep telling him that he'll kno...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

Remember when Ontario...

...was having a ridiculous increase in Covid 19 infections because of transmission among essential workers and in warehouse workplaces, so the Ford government closed parks and golf courses?

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

What do you call a Bee that works for the government?

A Pollentician.

The government is considering implementing a plan to freeze inmates on a large scale

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

An American was arguing with a Russian on which of their governments were better...

The American made the case, “you know in the United States of America you can march into the White House, slam your fists on the president’s desk and say, Mr.President, I don’t like the way you are running this country.”

The Russian replied,”I can do that”.

The American in a bit of s...

I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries.

I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.

Government made easy......

Licensing: When the government takes away your right to do something and then sells it back to you.

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Now they're saying that if you survived COVID the government wants your plasma.

No sir, they ain't taking my TV.

Why there is high unemployment in banking sector?

Because governments all over the world made sure that there is 0 interest in banking.

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.