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Last bowl of Chili

A man rushes into a diner and sits down at the counter. He asks the waiter for a bowl of Chili.

Waiter points to a man 3 seat down and says "He got the last one"

Man looks at the guy just staring down at the bowl. He asks "Are you gonna eat that? If not I'll take it."

The dine...

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl….

I said I didn’t know he could.

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, 'Waiter, come taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup?'

He says, 'Taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?'

The man says, 'W...

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

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Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall, when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom... When she opened the door, she found her daughter scantily clad on the bed with a vibrator.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I’m 35 and still...

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anyth...

Anyone see 50 cent perform at the Super Bowl?

Inflation is real

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

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Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doing?'' His wif...

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

What do you call it when you accidentally put Vietnamese noodles in a coffee mug instead of a bowl?

A pho cup.

I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

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Three leaders of the free world and Putin walk into a inn looking for a hot bowl of stew

Biden, Macron, Zelenskyy, and Putin walk into a inn hungry for a bowl of hot bowl of stew. The innkeeper apologizes, saying that the last bowl went to the woman in the corner with her baby.

They think they can get it off of her.

So Macron walks up to her and says, "Bonjour Madame, I...

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

I went to a mug making workshop today, but it was pretty tough and ended up with a bowl..

I just couldn't handle it.

For a second consecutive year a team competing in the Super Bowl has home field advantage.

To ensure this doesn't happen again, all subsequent Super Bowls will be held in Dallas, Texas.

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

Cereal first or milk first?

Neither. Bowl first.

Two tickets to the super bowl

A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tix, 40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Prob bc of the extra game this year.

If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place...

Tom Brady retired, but he does so as the GOAT, with 7 Super Bowls, but more importantly, he’s 5x better than Nickelback.

…he’s a quarterback

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Trucker is hauling a load of bowling balls to New York

A truck driver is hauling a load of black bowling balls to New York. He sees two chimpanzees riding bicycles on the side of the road so he stops to give them a lift. He doesn’t have room in the cab so he puts them and the bikes in the tractor trailer.

While driving through a rural town he is...

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee

And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

The monkey immediately runs up to a pool table and eats one of the cue balls. The man profusely apologizes to the bartender but the bartender said it was no big deal.

The following week, the man returns with his monkey but this time, the monkey's up on the counter taking peanuts from the bowl...

I just don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal about Eminem kneeling at the Super Bowl…

He literally said his knees were weak like 2 minutes earlier…

What’s the difference between your wife and a bowling ball?

I can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

A Kirby guy on a hot day…

A door to door salesman was walking down a street in a very hot day, when he came across a pair of little girls selling lemonade.

Taking a break, he buys a big glass and goes to sit under a large elm tree.

Suddenly, he hears a guy yell “Nice suit buddy, did you buy it at the goodwill s...

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

Super Bowl tickets!

Last minute I realize but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Inglewood, CA at SOFI stadium Tomorrow.
They are box seats that he spent $8,500 a piece for which includes a ride from the airport, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was la...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

[OC] I was bowled over by the news that the Vatican was starting a check cashing and money transfer operation

They're going to name it Papal.

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?

Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.



Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

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What do anniversaries, toilet bowls and clitorises have in common?

Some men miss all three.

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” sa...

What do you want for breakfast?

There were two elderly people who were trying to decide what to have for breakfast. Keep this in mind: because of their age, neither of them have the greatest memory anymore.

The husband asks the wife, "what do you want for breakfast?"

The wife responds, "Oh... just a bowl of oatmeal w...

Wife: Have you seen the dog bowl?

Husband: No, but he's pretty good at skating.

What did the Detroit Lions fan say when they won the super bowl?

“Why, why did you wake me up? I was having such a nice dream!”

So I'm serving this lady a bowl of soup

And she says "why is your thumb in my soup?"
I reply " It's infected and the doctor says i need to keep it warm "
She tells me to stick it up my ass!
But she doesn't know where it goes when I'm in the kitchen

What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of shredded lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

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An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

“Will you g...

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Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

My wife asked me if I wanted to go bowling or if we would stay home tomorrow.

I replied; “I don’t feel like shoving my fingers in some holes where a bunch of weirdos have been inside before me. So let’s go bowling”

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

Why can’t Mahomes call his momma after the Super Bowl?

No reception

Lining up for Drinks at the Party.

Two friends decide to throw a party to celebrate them getting their new flat and invite everyone they know. One of them prepares a huge bowl of punch for everyone and the other brings a soda fountain that he just bought.

The party rolls around and everyone is enjoying themselves; all of them...

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

Never go bowling with a mathematician

They always find the X's

I had to wait in line for a bowl of Vietnamese soup

That’s it, no joke. Don’t like it? Pho queue.

A Frenchman came to Texas

A Frenchman came to Texas to visit an old friend. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the bar and the...

Anyone wanna hang out later? Maybe go bowling?

I'm asking for a friend..

Just came home to find my mate slumped over the fruit bowl, fast asleep.

I was understandably confused by this, so awoke him and asked him what on earth had happened. Turns out he’d been out drinking and had chatted to a car enthusiast who told him he should watch 24 hours of Le Mans.

A man walks into a bakery with a goldfish in a bowl under his arm and says “Do you have fish cakes?” The lady behind the counter replies, “No”.

That’s a shame he says “It’s his birthday.”

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

I told my friend I had just landed a job in a bowling alley.

"Ten pin?" He asked. "No" I replied, "it's permanent"

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Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

How do you get a baby in a bowl?

A blender.

How do you get it out?

Tortilla chips.

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike. Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't suck all of this up then I will eat the rest myself" The woman goe...

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter the bowl of nuts says he has a nice suit when he asks the bartender why they can talk, he says that they are complimentary

well, that joke SUCKED

The Buccaneers Didn't Win the Super Bowl... Yet

In fact, it might take weeks until we know the final score, as soon as they finish counting all the mail-in points.

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

A guy sits down at a bar alone having a drink, munching on the bar's bowl of pretzels.

All of a sudden he hears a little voice, "Looking good there, buddy."

Looking around he sees no one within earshot. So he just shrugs it off & goes back to his drink & snack.

A little while latter again he hears a little voice, "And you're a snappy dresser too."

Again lo...

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

What does the bowling ball who was taken hostage say?

Please spare me

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For a good time go bowling

A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late...

Corona didn’t need an ad in the Super Bowl for their beer.

It’s already gone viral.

What's the difference between a bowling ball and your mom?

Nothing. They are both picked up, fingered,and thrown in the gutter

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off...

I saw a man at the Super Bowl with an empty seat next to him.

I lean over and ask him how there is an empty seat. He told me that he bought the tickets several months ago for him and his wife, but the wife unfortunately passed. I give my condolences, and I ask him why none of his family members took the ticket. He responded that they are all at the funeral.

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar...

Now that’s a sweet ass.

Where's the best place to watch the Raiders in the super bowl?

The History Channel.

My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.

I guess they just weren't up her alley.


God she's such a pinhead.

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(Long) A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

Me to Wife: "Boy, it sure is muggy outside."

Wife: "If I go outside and all of our mugs are sitting on the front porch, we're getting a divorce."

Me: *quietly sips coffee from a bowl.*

Covid prevention

Mrs Smith was in her eighties and very much admired for her sweet disposition and kindly ways to all. The carpet cleaner came by to perform the annual spring cleaning one afternoon and she welcomed him in for tea and cookies. After she excused herself to make preparations, the young carpet cleaner c...

Super bowl time! Can YOU pass a football?

am surprised you could even swallow one!

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl

until the illegal second half was played.

A couple of shrimp were at the bar next to me, eating a bowl of fries. I went to ask if I could have one, but the bartender stopped me. "Don't bother," he said, "they won't share.

They're two shellfish."

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I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

For some reason CBS wouldn't let me stream the super bowl. I had to switch to the ESPN spanish simulcast.

It worked out because BRADY-GRONKOWSKI-GOALLLLLLLLL!!!!! is the same in every language.

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

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