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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things t...

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad...

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Whenever you’re sitting on the toilet all alone in silence, do you ever think something is crawling up the pipes into the toilet bowl and then is going to suddenly slither up into your butthole?

Well, you will now. You’re welcome!

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3 Roaches are having a race around a toilet bowl

The first roach finishes with hardly breaking a sweat in about 5 minutes.

The second roach crosses the finish five minutes after that and is starting to sweat.

The third roach comes in fifteen minutes after him completely soaked and visibly mad.

The first two roaches ask "What ...

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

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Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

I got blackout-drunk last night and woke up with a really bad tattoo of a bowl of rice.

I was relieved when I realized it was pilaf.

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

My daughter asked me if she could lick the bowl.

I told her she had to flush like everyone else.

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chilli.

The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl."
He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full.

He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?"
To which the guy replies, "No, help yourse...

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What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.

-

And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just ...

A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

What did Forrest Gump say to his bowl of pasta?

I love you, penne!

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Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

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I piss on the side of the bowl to make less noise

But that doesn't stop my brother from asking me what I'm doing to his cereal.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"

So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.

The older cowboy said,...

If a round of musical chairs were played using toilet bowls instead of chairs...

would it be Game of Thrones?

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A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew are watching the Super Bowl.

Sitting directly behind one of the field goals, they've had the best seats in the house to a terrific contest.



With only one second left on the clock, a kicker runs up to potentially seal victory.



He kicks the ball hard and true, and it sails right between the posts, an...

They said that the Super Bowl was going to be exciting.

But that was a LIII.

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I told my girlfriend that when I die, I want her to take my ashes, mix them with a bowl of chilly from Wendy’s and eat it.

That way, I can tear up that ass one last time.

I downloaded the last Super Bowl and finally watched it on VLC

Turns out you can love the player and hate the game

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.

The fat one brought cereal.

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's tho...

Whats green and gets smoked in bowls?

Notre Dame

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

What do you get when you put 1 tsp each of almonds, oats, corn flakes, and raisins in a bowl?

A muesli/measly serving.

What do you and a punch bowl have in common?

You’re both full of red liquid

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

Why have the Patriots won so many Super Bowls?

Because the owner really likes a happy ending.

A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.

Man: How much do you take for this cat?

Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.

Man: What about 20 euros?

Seller: Okay, it's yours.

Man: Can I also ha...

Did you hear what weather is going to be for Super Bowl LIII?

Sunny, clear sky with no Brees.

A Guy gets a ticket to the Super Bowl...

But he finds he's in the nosebleed section .
He sees a seat near the 50 yard line and he quickly comes and claims it.

"Why would anyone pass this up ?? It's such a great view !", he exclaimed

The old man sitting next to him replies, "Its my wife's , we had gone to every Super Bowl s...

Did you know that the Super Bowl was just on??

Apparently, neither did the
Los Angeles Rams.

I saw the face of Jesus in my bowl of sugar!

I took a picture but it's very grainy.

I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

The tater tots I took to my friend's super bowl party..



were just like the Patriots.



A little old, but seasoned to perfection...

Super Bowl LIII

One of the LOWEST POINTS of my life.

What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling?

“*Kill the spare.*”

Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier...

Just took the biggest vowel movement of my life.

Funny Super Bowl Ads;

Amy Schumer has said she won't do any Super Bowl commercials this year in support of Colin Kapernic.

Thank God! Maybe this years Super Bowl commericals will be funny.

A guy buys a ticket to the Superbowl but is up in the very top seats but can't see very well ...

... and after watching for a quarter, notices ONE seat way down near the field on the 50 yard line that has been empty the entire quarter and so he decides to try to sneak down and sit in the seat ....

When he gets there the man in the next seat notices his apprehension and says, "Don't worry...

There's no more punch in the fruit bowl.

And no punchline.

So, there's the Super Bowl. After that, there's the Mega Bowl. Then, after that, there's the Giga Bowl.

Anymore than that, though, would just be Tera Bowl.

I was preparing a bowl of cereal, finished 1 box of raisin bran and started another to fill my bowl. I was alarmed to see a different colored cereal;

Then I realized, they were different brans



this is a tru experience that just happened to me

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Blonde at the Super Bowl

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the super bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were kil...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?

An alley gator!

A worm crawls out of a bowl of spaghetti.

He says, "that was one hell of an orgy!"

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Daughter’s vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with...

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the fune...

Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox.

I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

A woman divorced her husband after he emptied a bowl of trifle over her head.

She got custardy.

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

"Son, what would happen if neither team won the Super Bowl?"

"It's a Tide ad."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

Get your bowl ready for some Soup

Because this acrobat is about to do the splits and he has a very weak bladder

I dumped a bowl of trifle over my ex wife after we had an argument.

She took me to court over who should look after the kids after we divorced.

She got custard-y

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What do you call a used tampon in a bowl of water?

Egg drop soup

A mother comes down to the kitchen and finds her daughter up early, eating a bowl of cereal...

The daughter asks- “Mommy, I heard some strange sounds coming from your bedroom a little while ago. What were you and Daddy doing in there?”

The mother is instantly embarrassed.

“Um... your daddy and I were making a cake, sweetheart.”

The next morning the mom comes down and t...

My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

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After I lifted my toilet seat I found an ant on the rim of the bowl.

I really pissed him off.

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I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

This was the most Superbowlly Super Bowl ever

*Super Bowl LI

If your name is Fred and you live in Flint Michigan and you're about to smoke a bowl....

...does that mean you're freddy to get flint-stoned

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

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What did the skid mark say to the toilet bowl?

I'm gonna get pissed off in a minute.

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[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust?

Orange Jews from concentrate

Two British Raj colonels are sitting at a table, enjoying a cup of tea and a warm bowl of curry

The first colonel turns to the other and says

"Why I say, this India land is extraordinary!"

The second colonel replies;

"Quite so, but there's just one issue"

"What's that?"

Looking outside onto the street, the second replies;

"Too many damn foreigners!"

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all t...

A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" An...

Cat complains that food bowl is empty when it’s actually full.

Fake mews.

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