Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

What do you call a bowl full of epilepsy?

A seizure salad

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I piss on the side of the bowl to make less noise

But that doesn't stop my brother from asking me what I'm doing to his cereal.

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

Just played a round of musical chairs using toilet bowls...

Game of thrones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

I downloaded the last Super Bowl and finally watched it on VLC

Turns out you can love the player and hate the game

A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"

So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.

The older cowboy said,...

What did Forrest Gump say to his bowl of pasta?

I love you, penne!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my girlfriend that when I die, I want her to take my ashes, mix them with a bowl of chilly from Wendy’s and eat it.

That way, I can tear up that ass one last time.

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

What do you get when you put 1 tsp each of almonds, oats, corn flakes, and raisins in a bowl?

A muesli/measly serving.

Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.

The fat one brought cereal.

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's tho...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

They said that the Super Bowl was going to be exciting.

But that was a LIII.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

Daughter: Can I lick the bowl, Mommy?

Mother: No you little freak, get back in there and flush like everyone else.

Why have the Patriots won so many Super Bowls?

Because the owner really likes a happy ending.

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

What do you and a punch bowl have in common?

You’re both full of red liquid

Whats green and gets smoked in bowls?

Notre Dame

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

Did you hear what weather is going to be for Super Bowl LIII?

Sunny, clear sky with no Brees.

A Guy gets a ticket to the Super Bowl...

But he finds he's in the nosebleed section .
He sees a seat near the 50 yard line and he quickly comes and claims it.

"Why would anyone pass this up ?? It's such a great view !", he exclaimed

The old man sitting next to him replies, "Its my wife's , we had gone to every Super Bowl s...

Did you know that the Super Bowl was just on??

Apparently, neither did the
Los Angeles Rams.

I guess the Rams ended the Super Bowl the way they ended the season.

13-3.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you say to a person who sells you a bowl of feces?

That's bowl-shit!

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.

Man: How much do you take for this cat?

Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.

Man: What about 20 euros?

Seller: Okay, it's yours.

Man: Can I also ha...

What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling?

“*Kill the spare.*”

There's no more punch in the fruit bowl.

And no punchline.

Funny Super Bowl Ads;

Amy Schumer has said she won't do any Super Bowl commercials this year in support of Colin Kapernic.

Thank God! Maybe this years Super Bowl commericals will be funny.

A guy buys a ticket to the Superbowl but is up in the very top seats but can't see very well ...

... and after watching for a quarter, notices ONE seat way down near the field on the 50 yard line that has been empty the entire quarter and so he decides to try to sneak down and sit in the seat ....

When he gets there the man in the next seat notices his apprehension and says, "Don't worry...

Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier...

Just took the biggest vowel movement of my life.

I was preparing a bowl of cereal, finished 1 box of raisin bran and started another to fill my bowl. I was alarmed to see a different colored cereal;

Then I realized, they were different brans

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this is a tru experience that just happened to me

So, there's the Super Bowl. After that, there's the Mega Bowl. Then, after that, there's the Giga Bowl.

Anymore than that, though, would just be Tera Bowl.

Blonde at the Super Bowl

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the super bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were kil...

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

A worm crawls out of a bowl of spaghetti.

He says, "that was one hell of an orgy!"

I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.

Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy asks his mom if he can lick the bowl this time...

“No, you retard! Just flush like a normal person!”

(Wow! This is crazy. This was just a shitty joke I read in captain underpants 8y ago. The most I’ve ever gotten is 75 upvotes. Thank you soooo much!)

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the fune...

Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox.

What do you call a used tampon in a bowl of water?

Egg drop soup

A woman divorced her husband after he emptied a bowl of trifle over her head.

She got custardy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After I lifted my toilet seat I found an ant on the rim of the bowl.

I really pissed him off.

"Son, what would happen if neither team won the Super Bowl?"

"It's a Tide ad."

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

A mother comes down to the kitchen and finds her daughter up early, eating a bowl of cereal...

The daughter asks- “Mommy, I heard some strange sounds coming from your bedroom a little while ago. What were you and Daddy doing in there?”

The mother is instantly embarrassed.

“Um... your daddy and I were making a cake, sweetheart.”

The next morning the mom comes down and t...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

If your name is Fred and you live in Flint Michigan and you're about to smoke a bowl....

...does that mean you're freddy to get flint-stoned

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

I dumped a bowl of trifle over my ex wife after we had an argument.

She took me to court over who should look after the kids after we divorced.

She got custard-y

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

Two British Raj colonels are sitting at a table, enjoying a cup of tea and a warm bowl of curry

The first colonel turns to the other and says

"Why I say, this India land is extraordinary!"

The second colonel replies;

"Quite so, but there's just one issue"

"What's that?"

Looking outside onto the street, the second replies;

"Too many damn foreigners!"

This was the most Superbowlly Super Bowl ever

*Super Bowl LI

Patriots fans are being charged more money for Super Bowl tickets.

It’s because of inflation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the skid mark say to the toilet bowl?

I'm gonna get pissed off in a minute.

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of muesli?

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Cat complains that food bowl is empty when it’s actually full.

Fake mews.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all t...

A man takes his seat at Super Bowl LII.

He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.


The man asks, "Who would ever miss the Super Bowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Super Bowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back,...

A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" An...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust?

Orange Jews from concentrate

My friend was talking about "Super Bowl Monday"

Friend: "We should get Super Bowl Monday to be a holiday. People spend all night watching the game, drinking, and partying, but in the morning they have to go to work."

Teacher: "Is that what you plan on doing on Sunday?

Friend: "No, I don't have a job."

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

Man, I love the Super Bowl...

But I still have no idea what the football bits are for.

The Pro Bowl is like the show “Whose Line Is It Anyway?“

The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup...

I didn't know if he was friend or pho.