The 69+ Best Luggage Jokes

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?"

Man: "No."

Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

During the check it turns out: actually sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. ...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

A photon checks into a hotel and the front desk asks "Do you need help with your luggage"?

The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?

Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?

At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel.

He slowly came around.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

I sued Delta Airlines for misplacing my luggage

But I lost my case.

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

The passenger check-in officer asked the photon if they had any luggage.

The photon replied, "No. I'm travelling light."

What did the lawyer say after putting his luggage down during the trial?

I rest my case.

My Latin teacher had this piece of luggage that used to claim I was doing something wrong.

It was an accusative case.

What's the difference between your password and glass luggage?

One's case sensitive and the other's a sensitive case.

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case

Why did the little knight put his lance in the luggage?

For joust in case.

I tried suing the airport because they lost my luggage

My lawyer keeps saying I’ve already lost my case

Two thieves were looking to steal a briefcase of money in a room full of luggage.

The first thief picked one up and asked “Is this it?”

The second thief replied “It seems to be the case.”

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

What kind of luggage does a vulture use for traveling?

Carrion bags.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

The mystery of how my luggage worked has been solved.

It was an opened and shut case.

What do you call it when a business man gets murdered by luggage

A suitcase

Sometimes it's so heavy I feel like my luggage has 7 billion people in it

That's the case for everyone.

A mohel (circumcising rabbi) walks into a luggage store . . .

He lays what looks like a leather bag on the counter. The clerk looks at it and asks, “What is it?”

“I collected all the foreskins I trimmed over the years, and sewed them together. It’s a change purse.”

The clerk looked disgusted. “I can’t imagine any customer buying that!”

“Wa...

Did you know my chemical romance doesn't use luggage check?

They said they'll carry on, they'll carry onnnnnnnn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw luggage on sale in the airport terminal and I thought...

How big of a hurry must you be in to say, "Fuck it, just grab some shit and let's go. We'll pack at the airport" ?

I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ...

... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

What is the speed limit for luggage at the airport?

Terminal velocity.

Did you hear about Schrodinger's missing luggage?

It was an open and shut case.

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

Always watch your luggage when going on vacation

It might get stolen.

At least that was the case with me.

Why couldn't the flat-Earther fit his luggage in his car?

No space.

NASTY JOKE WARNING: A man pulls into a motel late at night....

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa...

What’s the difference between a teenage girl and the Popes luggage?

One is totes blessed and the other is blessed totes.

A man comes back from a vacation in China, and he is asked by a Customs officer what is he bringing in such a big luggage. "Food for my chickens," he replies.

"Do you mind if I take a look?"

"Not at all, please go ahead," replies the kind man.

The officer opens the luggage and finds about fifty brand new electronic devices, from cell phones to tablets to notebooks to speakers.

"You think I'm stupid??? Food for your chickens???"
...

Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane?

Because he ate his carrion.

What is Queen's (the band, not the monarch) favourite type of luggage?

carry ooooooooonnnn, carry ooooooonnnnnnnnnn

If you managed to figure out the code to someone else's luggage...

Could you say you solved the case?

Do you ever wonder what happens to your luggage once you checked it in?

So does British Airways.

160 Destinations, Over 90 Countries Worldwide.

Could be in any one of them.

What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

No, thanks, it's just carrion...

Why did the airport luggage checker refuse to date the depressed man?

he had to much baggage

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*edit: thank you for the gold benevolent stranger. :-)*

An Brit, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a flight when one of the plane's engines fails.

The crew throw all the luggage on the plane off to lighten the load, but they are still too heavy. The pilot goes on the intercom and says that 3 people need to jump off the plane to save everyone else. The Brit stands up and says, "God save the king!" before jumping to his death. Next, the Frenchma...

It's just been reported on local radio

That someone passed out and fell on to the luggage carousel at the airport!

Apparently, they are just coming round now..

Mother

Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

saving your skin

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are travelling the wilds of Africa, when they are captured by a tribe of savages. They are tied to a tree and the chief comes up to them.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do: we'll cut you all the way open, pull out your intestines to make sausages, and we...

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece
...

A vulture walked into an airplane,

dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak. The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks “Wouldn’t you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?”
And the vulture said “No thanks. It’s carrion.”

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

Two drunk guys walk into a hotel

snippering one word after another they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.

"So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor but the elevator is broken". The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping o...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishma...

Wherever you go, there you are.

Your luggage is another story.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.