Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case

I was on trial for stealing a man's luggage.

It was a briefcase.

What kind of luggage does a vulture use for traveling?

Carrion bags.

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

The mystery of how my luggage worked has been solved.

It was an opened and shut case.

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent.

The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

What do you call it when a business man gets murdered by luggage

A suitcase

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw luggage on sale in the airport terminal and I thought...

How big of a hurry must you be in to say, "Fuck it, just grab some shit and let's go. We'll pack at the airport" ?

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ...

... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.

Sometimes it's so heavy I feel like my luggage has 7 billion people in it

That's the case for everyone.

A mohel (circumcising rabbi) walks into a luggage store . . .

He lays what looks like a leather bag on the counter. The clerk looks at it and asks, “What is it?”

“I collected all the foreskins I trimmed over the years, and sewed them together. It’s a change purse.”

The clerk looked disgusted. “I can’t imagine any customer buying that!”

“Wa...

Did you know my chemical romance doesn't use luggage check?

They said they'll carry on, they'll carry onnnnnnnn

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

What is the speed limit for luggage at the airport?

Terminal velocity.

Why couldn't the flat-Earther fit his luggage in his car?

No space.

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

Always watch your luggage when going on vacation

It might get stolen.

At least that was the case with me.

Do you know why you should always bring a bomb in your hand luggage when you’re flying?

Because the chances of one person bringing a bomb, is very low.
But the chances of two people bringing a bomb, is almost impossible.

What’s the difference between a teenage girl and the Popes luggage?

One is totes blessed and the other is blessed totes.

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.

A few rounds in, thin...

Did you hear about Schrodinger's missing luggage?

It was an open and shut case.

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture.

The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"

He said "It's my carri-on luggage"

*sorry sorry sorry*

I tried bringing some shrooms on holiday with me in my hand luggage...

...I couldn't in the end as I didn't have mushroom.

Do you ever wonder what happens to your luggage once you checked it in?

So does British Airways.


160 Destinations, Over 90 Countries Worldwide.



Could be in any one of them.

A man comes back from a vacation in China, and he is asked by a Customs officer what is he bringing in such a big luggage. "Food for my chickens," he replies.

"Do you mind if I take a look?"

"Not at all, please go ahead," replies the kind man.

The officer opens the luggage and finds about fifty brand new electronic devices, from cell phones to tablets to notebooks to speakers.

"You think I'm stupid??? Food for your chickens???"
...

An American, a Frenchman and an Armenian are stranded on an island.

A luggage full of food and drinks washes up to the shore, they start eating and drinking until the Genie pops out of one of the bottles to grant each one a wish. American wishes to go to NY for a very important business meeting, Genie sends him to NY. The Frenchman wishes to go back to Paris to be w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane?

Because he ate his carrion.

What is Queen's (the band, not the monarch) favourite type of luggage?

carry ooooooooonnnn, carry ooooooonnnnnnnnnn

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young. Blonde. First class.

A young blonde woman gets on a flight from LA to New York and has a coach seat but goes and sits in the aisle in first class.

The first class flight attendant walks up to her and asks “ma’am may I see your first class ticket please?”

The young blonde woman says... “I don’t need to sho...

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws. ...

If you managed to figure out the code to someone else's luggage...

Could you say you solved the case?

Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate?

It was only allowed one piece of carrion.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

No, thanks, it's just carrion...

What do I do when my luggage gets tired?

I rest my case.

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

Why did the airport luggage checker refuse to date the depressed man?

he had to much baggage

Did you hear about the elephant with two trunks?

He was carrying his luggage.

Why are flights with crows often delayed?

Because they bring a lot of extra carrion luggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

A vulture is about to board a plane.

The desk attendant stops him and motions to his bag, “Carrion luggage costs extra, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designe...

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

A traveller reaches a church

It's late at night and he almost collapses at the door. Exhausted, he knocks on the door and is let in by Sister Francine. The Sister calls the others to help and they bring the guy in. He has a heavy trunk that they keep to a side. The night passes and the traveller wakes up in the morning. He is t...

Taking Your Bird on Holiday

What’s the most convenient bird to take in hand luggage when flying?




A carrion crow.


I’ll see myself out.

First day on the job.

A young man was starting his first job as a bellhop. Keen to make a good impression he asked the supervisor for any tips. Be polite and address the customer by their name was the response. How do I know their names? the boy asked. Check the name tag on their luggage replied the supervisor.
<...

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney.

I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.

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