I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

What kind of luggage does a vulture use for traveling?

Carrion bags.

I was on trial for stealing a man's luggage.

It was a briefcase.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

The mystery of how my luggage worked has been solved.

It was an opened and shut case.

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

What do you call it when a business man gets murdered by luggage

A suitcase

I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture.

The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"

He said "It's my carri-on luggage"

*sorry sorry sorry*

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent.

The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ...

... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew decides to emigrate to Israel

At Moscow airport the customs officials stop him when they find a statue of Lenin in his luggage and ask what it is.

He replies, "I think you meant "Who is this?" This my friend, is Comrade Lenin, who laid the foundations of socialism and allowed Russia to prosper. I take a statue of him wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws. ...

Sometimes it's so heavy I feel like my luggage has 7 billion people in it

That's the case for everyone.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

Did you know my chemical romance doesn't use luggage check?

They said they'll carry on, they'll carry onnnnnnnn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw luggage on sale in the airport terminal and I thought...

How big of a hurry must you be in to say, "Fuck it, just grab some shit and let's go. We'll pack at the airport" ?

A mohel (circumcising rabbi) walks into a luggage store . . .

He lays what looks like a leather bag on the counter. The clerk looks at it and asks, “What is it?”

“I collected all the foreskins I trimmed over the years, and sewed them together. It’s a change purse.”

The clerk looked disgusted. “I can’t imagine any customer buying that!”

“Wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young. Blonde. First class.

A young blonde woman gets on a flight from LA to New York and has a coach seat but goes and sits in the aisle in first class.

The first class flight attendant walks up to her and asks “ma’am may I see your first class ticket please?”

The young blonde woman says... “I don’t need to sho...

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

What is the speed limit for luggage at the airport?

Terminal velocity.

Did you hear about the elephant with two trunks?

He was carrying his luggage.

Why couldn't the flat-Earther fit his luggage in his car?

No space.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

Do you know why you should always bring a bomb in your hand luggage when you’re flying?

Because the chances of one person bringing a bomb, is very low.
But the chances of two people bringing a bomb, is almost impossible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

Always watch your luggage when going on vacation

It might get stolen.

At least that was the case with me.

Police have caught the man who stole from my luggage.

It was an open and shut case.

What’s the difference between a teenage girl and the Popes luggage?

One is totes blessed and the other is blessed totes.

Do you ever wonder what happens to your luggage once you checked it in?

So does British Airways.


160 Destinations, Over 90 Countries Worldwide.



Could be in any one of them.

Why are flights with crows often delayed?

Because they bring a lot of extra carrion luggage.

Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane?

Because he ate his carrion.

What is Queen's (the band, not the monarch) favourite type of luggage?

carry ooooooooonnnn, carry ooooooonnnnnnnnnn

If you managed to figure out the code to someone else's luggage...

Could you say you solved the case?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

What's the difference between a guy with carry on luggage and a photon?

The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.

Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate?

It was only allowed one piece of carrion.

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"*No*" replied the Irishman "*I've lost all me luggage!*"

"*How'd that happen?*"

"*The cork fell out!*" ...

Why did the airport luggage checker refuse to date the depressed man?

he had to much baggage

A vulture is about to board a plane.

The desk attendant stops him and motions to his bag, “Carrion luggage costs extra, sir.”

What do I do when my luggage gets tired?

I rest my case.

What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

No, thanks, it's just carrion...

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a big sack filled of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designe...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

First day on the job.

A young man was starting his first job as a bellhop. Keen to make a good impression he asked the supervisor for any tips. Be polite and address the customer by their name was the response. How do I know their names? the boy asked. Check the name tag on their luggage replied the supervisor.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney.

I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lawyer walks on a plane and sits in the aisle seat beside two doctors...

He takes his shoes off and gets comfy in his seat. A little while after takeoff one of the doctors says “excuse me, would you mind if I get up to get a coke?” The lawyer responds “oh, no problem. In fact, I’ll just go and get it for you!” While he’s at the front of the plane, the doctor spits in hi...

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