UPJOKE
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Bin Jokes

My new girlfriend works as a bin lady...

Trouble is, I can't remember if I'm supposed to take her out Wednesday or Thursday!!!

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

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The wheelie bin man

So the rubbish bin man is making his daily rounds and notices that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside.

He rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, the sound of a toilet flushing and some hurried steps towards the door.

The door opens and a Japanese gentleman step...

My wife was reading the newspaper. She gasped and said, "A dead body was found by the restaurant bins this morning!"

"Those bins must be very observant," I replied.

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Have you heard about the porn parody crossover starring Castro and Bin Laden?

It's called In-Fidel

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[NSFW] I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.

So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

At one point I was banging ...

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's hol...

Where ya bin?

trashman knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.

The proprietor comes out

Trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’

Asian proprietor says: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’

Trash man says: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’

Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’

Trash...

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A few years back, three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day...

...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink...

I started dating a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin.

I can’t remember if I’m taking her out Wednesday or Thursday night.

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Kids Banging on Bins

Everyday this old gentleman would be waken by some local kids banging on some trash bins in the alley outside his house and yelling.

One day the old gentleman went out and said "I really love your youthful energy and joy you bring here - I am so entertained by you all! here, let me pay you e...

Do you think bin men get training...

... Or do they just pick it up as they go along?

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A zoophiliac, a pyromaniac, a necrophilliac, a pedophile and a masochist are in the loony bin.

Zoophilliac: Let's fuck a cat!

Pedophile: Make it a kitten!

Pyromaniac: Before we fuck it we burn it!

Necrophilliac: Yes! we fuck it after it's dead!

Everyone is jumping in excitement, then look at the masochist.

Masochist: MEEEEEEEOOOWWWWWWW.

Just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in the rubbish bin,

can't believe someone would throw that away! Worth 5p that!

Why did Bin Laden listen to Eminem?

He was an Afghani-Stan.

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Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

What is worse than two children in a trash bin?

One child in two trash bins.

Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.

"Hey bub, where's ya bin`"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Ha...

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

Who was Osama bin Laden’s favorite team?

The New York Jets.

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Why shouldn’t you poop in a recycling bin?

Because it’s supposed to go in the waste basket!

What animal was Osama bin-Laden afraid of?

SEALs

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If I am in a room with Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Benito Mussolini....

Then I am probably suffering from Schizophrenia.

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

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Caught my wife going through the neighbour's bins.

She's not nosy. Just shit at parking

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

What do Trump and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

They both hide underground from the American people. #bunkerboy

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Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class.

He kept blowing up the pentagons.

What do you call a bin full of lettuce?

The tip of the iceburg.

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer"

Put my bin out this morning but the storm blew it away

It went wheelie high

Osama bin Laden jokes are funny sometimes...

When they're executed well.

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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

I spent ages trying to think of a decent bin pun.

Turns out, they were all rubbish

What did Bob Marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin?

Is this loaf that I’m feeling?

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at it and throws it in the bin. And so for a whole week. The seller couldn't stand it and finally asked:

\- Why are you doing this?

\- I'm looking for an obituary.

\- But the obituaries are on the last pages...

\- The one I'm looking for will be on the first one.

Osama Bin Laden tried doing standup comedy before terrorism

He bombed.

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There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

I decided to purchase a silencer from the clearance bin...

It wasn't very good bang for the buck.

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Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."


A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness a...

I started a new job today doing parcel delivery, at my first drop the homeowner had left a note saying we're out so please hide in the bin.

I'm still hiding, I'm hungry and it's dark, help!

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Where's ya bin (full version)

A trash man knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.
The proprietor comes out and the trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’

The Asian proprietor: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’

Trash man: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’

Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’

Trash man: ...

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If I was in a room with hitler, osama bin laden and stalin,

I would ask you to write a letter to my mother about my mental illness

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So a divorced husband has been seen having sex with a garbage bin

So a divorced husband has been seen having sex with a garbage bin

His ex-wife goes up to him and asks “Woah woah woah, what the hell are you doing?”

The man replies with: “Well you told me im fucking trash, so here we are.”

If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.

But I say it's just flippin' BS.

I'd make an Osama bin laden joke

But it's a bit of a shot in the dark

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Aussie bin man knocks on front door of China mans house as he can't find his bin.

Aussie binman: gd day mate. Where's ya bin?

China man: ah hello. I bin sleeping.

Aussie bin man: na mate. Whes ya wheelie bin?

China man: ah. Ok. I really been wankin.

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

I'm a recycle bin...

I'm not garbage, but I might as well be.

It hate it when people throw their clocks in the bin.

It's a waste of time.

Osama bin Laden rated America.

He gave us a 9/11.

I saw a watch in the trash bin today

It's just a waste of time.

Why don't people make good bins?

I only ever see rubbish ones.

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Osama Bin Laden's afterlife...

After he was killed by Seal Team Six, Osama Bin Laden immediately found himself in a large room filled with fat middle aged men wearing strange costumes.

As he looked around he saw a gigantic sign that said "Welcome fellow Trekies."

Confused by his surroundings, Osama wanted to get out...

What do you call a group of baby garbage bins?

A litter...

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What does Osama bin Laden and my wife's clitoris have in common?

Took me 10 years to find it, but when I did; killed it!

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Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

What’s the difference between your granny and your granary?

One is your born kin and the other is your corn bin.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

I attempt to throw my empty Pepsi can into the nearest bin

I miss the bin and the can hits a kid, the kid starts crying, I walk up to him and say "don't cry! It was only a soft drink!"

What was Osama Bin Laden's favourite drink?

A Double Manhattan

Macron and Mohammed bin Salman meet for tea

Macron: "I collect jokes people post about me"

Bin Salman: "That's funny, I collect people who post jokes about me"

What is Osama Bin Laden’s least favorite type of wine?

White Infidel

How does Bin Laden introduce himself to Germans?

Ich Bin Laden.

Mohammad bin Salman is 33 making him, technically, a Millennial...

...so now Baby Boomers can add "Journalists" to their list of "things Millennials are killing".

Putting things in the bin may be ‘lit’

But dropping them on the floor is litter

Whenever I see a car with a ticket, I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn't have to pay for it, What acts of kindness do you do for strangers?

How do you brighten someone's day

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Three maggots are left crawling around at the bottom of a garbage bin.

One day they all turn into flies, one male and two female, and start buzzing around the inside of the bin.

The female, realising there's no practical way out, turns to the other female fly and says, "Hey how do you get out of the garbage bin?" The other female fly says, "I don't know maybe as...

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They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his testicles in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

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If I was in a room with two bullets, Hitler, Osama bin laden, and any person that sleeps fully clothed

I’d walk away, because Hitler and Bin Laden are both dead and I don’t have a gun.

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After sex the dude rolls off the condom, ties a knot on it and throws it into the bin.

The girl goes "I wonder if any of the sperms in there made it to my uterus, what would they have become later in life" The guy responds "If any of them make it out of the rubber, climb out of the bin and get you pregnant, they'd be David Copperfield"

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I am currently investigating a possible link between Jeffrey Epstein and Osama Bin Ladin.

I mean where else would Bin Laden get the 72 virgins he was always talking about?

Osama Bin Laden has been having trouble thinking lately

His brain is pretty scattered right now

Windows is more environmentally friendly than macOS.

Windows puts your deleted files in the Recycle Bin while macOS just throws them in the Trash.

Would would win a chess game between George Bush and Osama Bin Laden?

Osama. Why? Because George already lost two towers.

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A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

Osama-bin-Laden had traveled into town after several weeks

in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

Laden was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

H...

What do Erdogan, Osama bin Laden, and Little Miss Muffett all have in common?

They all have Kurds in their way.

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

“Donald, what did you do after you realized this wasn’t going to be your Bin Laden?”

"I RAN"

6 years ago today Seal Team Six took out Bin Laden

Tonight I am going to celebrate with a drink consisting of two shots and a splash of water.

We finally have definitive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead.

He just registered to vote in Chicago.

What would you call Osama bin Laden if he became a pirate?

Sandy Hook.

I asked my neighbor, who I hadn’t seen for a while, where’s his bin?

He said he’d been on holiday. As he’d misheard me I asked where’s his wheelie bin? He replied, ok I’ve really been in prison.

When I was young I remember me and my crush behind the school bins.

Fortunately I didn't get caught disposing of her body.

The Garbage man was on his rounds and noticed that one house hadn't put their bin out.

The Garbage man was on his rounds and noticed that one house hadn't put their bin out. Normally, a bloke would just drive straight past, on to the next house, but old mate was in a good mood, he got laid last night. So he got out of the truck and knocked on the front door. An Aboriginal man answered...

I went into a bar and ordered a Bin Laden

Two shots and splash of water.

An old man in stalinist russia gets newspapers every day from the stand like clockwork.

He always turns straight to one page, and thereafter throws the paper in the bin.

Curious, the vendor one day asks him, "what are you looking at in those papers every day huh?"

The man replies, "the obituaries."

The vendor asks, "so how come you only ever look at one page of th...

I left my wife for a bin man....

.... But he wouldn't take her

The CIA found evidence that Osama Bin Laden had downloaded a lot of videos about how to crochet

Turns out he was trying to replace all those lost afghans

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately."

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately." 'Sure.' says the vet. 'First things first, Is it a Tom?' "Nah" he replies "I've got it 'ere wi me"

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