Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring?

He dyed.

The priest said that my father would not get into heaven because greed had consumed his life.

But it's okay, he told me that if I donated my entire inheritance that he could probably work something out.

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

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Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?

"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(TW: a truly dirty joke) How many calories are consumed when eating pussy?

Depends which direction she wipes

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My Doctor said I may die because I’ve consumed clay

If I’m going to be honest, I’m shitting bricks

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

The amount of food I consumed last night, was of Biblical proportions.

I’m now dreaming of a wide Christmas.

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

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Neuroscientists have discovered a commonly-consumed food which nearly eliminates the female sex drive.

Wedding cake.

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What's the most consumed beverage by Syrians?

Saltwater.

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

Study finds Washington state residents consumed 175 metric tons of pot in 2013 (real news)

As a result, the state is changing it's slogan to "Whoa Dude."

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

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Three ministers and their wives were riding in a van to a conference...

when the driver took a curve too fast, sending the vehicle off the road and over a cliff. All six perished, and found themselves in line at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter called the first couple forward, examined his book, then looked sadly at the minister.

“I’m sorry to say that I can’t l...

I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where

my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road one day, and spies a farmhouse with a pig sty just off the front porch.

Finding this to be a little odd, he slows down to take a closer look, and sees a single, well cared-for pig in the sty. Odder still, on closer inspection, he sees that the pig has one wooden leg.

Consumed with curiosity, he heads up the driveway to the farmer's home, hops out of his car, and ...

Irish drinking

A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishm...

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

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This coronavirus quarantine is great..

Today I set a new personal record for beers consumed during Mass.

A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within ...

A man needed to travel to Moscow in order to take care of some government business.

A man needed to travel to Moscow in order to take care of some government business. Having to stop at night at an inn, the man asks if there's any room available - the clerk replies that there is a free bed, but it's in a room with three other people. Seeing no other choice, the traveler takes the b...

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

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NSFW Possible Coronavirus Inoculant Found

Experts suggest that a hormone found in ordinary semen may, if consumed in sufficient quantities over time, produce a gradual immunity buildup to the Covid19 virus.

Source: Am expert

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