I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed

I went to bed 7 times last night

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Currently I'm working on a paper about the excessive consumption of whiskey based cocktails during the creation of the atomic bomb.

You might say it's my Manhattan project.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...

They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

LPT: Remember, besides blueberries, anything blue in the wild is poisonous and not fit for consumption....

The same rule applies to video game cartridges.

A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption

If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour. You can halve your cake and eat at 2.

Quarantine is feeling more and more like highschool in the 00's

We’re all day dreaming about how to get out of the house, no one has any standards around booz consumption, and emo culture is at an all time high.

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Good way to reduce alcohol consumption

William Sexfear's one good way to reduce alcohol consumption..

Before marriage- Drink whenever you are sad.

After marriage- Drink whenever you are happy.

TIL that excessive consumption of raw egg white can cause brittle hair, rashes, fungal infection, and anemia...

I then imagined the hairless, hideous, and weak beast Gaston should have looked like.

I've started a new religion based on the consumption of high-percentage alcohol. Its only downside is that I now miss a lot of work due to hangovers

It's called absinthe-theism.

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

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Suitable for British consumption

I just heard the UK strawberry picking championships has been won by a woman with no legs. Jammy cunt

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.

The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:

“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the prohibit...

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A guy moves to rural Idaho...

The day he finally gets all moved in, he decides to go down the road to meet his neighbor. The man knocks on the door and when the neighbor opens it, the man says, "Hey, I just moved in down the way and I thought I'd come and meet my nearest neighbor".

"Well great!" says the neighbor, "You c...

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

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Narcotic Jesus

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.



The secret operation is e...

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A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

A monastery has a barbecue

It is usually prohibited for monks to eat meat, but the abbot one day realised that most monks had rarely eaten meat in their lifetime in the first place.

He decided that it would better for them to indulge in the taste and then learn to stave of the temptation of later consumption, so that ...

A guy visits his clock loving friend.

There are clocks everywhere. Each one of them shows different times. But some go faster than the others.

"What's with the clocks?" he asks.

"Each country has its own clock here. The higher alcohol consumption, the faster the clock."

He was right - the Korean clock for example wa...

Police do a good deed

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows “not all cops are in that category”.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX. which reported ...

What do you call a bunch of capitalists dying of tuberculosis?

Mass consumption

A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy

Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this...

The buffalo theory of beer joke

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the...

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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

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Beer contains female homones

Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormo...

The most potent strain of marijuana has just been released to the public

reports say consumption has reached an all-time high

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

Henry ford meets god

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and sa...

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