UPJOKE
chawjawcudmasticatemasticationmanducatechampchompmunchgnawswallowwadquidplugchewing

Chew Jokes

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

A man is sitting on the train, chewing gum in silence.

After a while, an elderly lady leans forward from opposite and says: "Sir, it's very kind of you to tell me so much, but unfortunately I'm deaf!"

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

I'm trying to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

But I'm struggling to get it off the ground.

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer

My children were chewing on power cords again...

so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

I caught my dad chewing pennies and spitting them out.

I said, "Dad, what the hell are you doing?"

He replied, "Im making us rich son"

"How?" I asked

"Simple", he said, "I'm making bit coins"

A customer came in and asked why her kids chew on their glasses.

I told her it's to prevent scurvy.

Since glasses are high in vitamin see.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Something to chew over

The cannibal was late to the luncheon, so they gave him the cold shoulder.

Why did the blonde chew on nickles?

She heard she could become rich from bitcoin

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chewing gum

I was like the chewing gum boy in my class. everyday i would bring a packet and distribute it. one day my teacher came in the class with test results. He caught my friend eating chewing gum. he made him spit it in the bin. then he called out my name. the bin was in front of my table .so i stood pus...

OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco?

He had diphtheria.

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

A man is seen trying to chew on a table outside a cafeteria.

The owner politely says "sorry sir, but these are not E-tables".

What's the similarity between a pack of chewing gum and a gun?

When you pull it out in class, everyone wants to be friends

A joke my husband made up...What kind of gum does Trump chew?

Double impeachmint. (Yes he is a Dad....)

What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM.

Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

A Drill sergeant chewed out one of his cadet

The Sarge smiled and said “I guess when I die you’ll dance on my grave”

The cadet shakes his head,”Not me Sarge I promised myself that when I got out of the army I’d never stand in line again

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

Which kind of bear can chew the best?

A molar bear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Chewing and eating are very similar...

But getting chewed out and getting eaten out are very different.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum

And I'm all outta ass.

What is the prefered chewing gum of communists?

Ho Chi MINT

What is a penguins favorite chewing gum?

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

I have a serious problem of chewing with my mouth open when I eat anything...

...my family is always horrified when I masticate in public.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came here to kick ass and chew gum...

And I've got new, longer-lasting Stride, so we'll be here for a while.

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have sex with my co-workers at the chewing gum factory

cause that would be a sticky business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

If you were a dog, what would be your favorite kind of shoes to chew?

The ones from Delhi.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Thats because they are Delhi-shoes

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

n Indian is calmly having breakfast... An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buddy told me chewing tobacco gave him the poops...

What a dip shit!

My friend told me I was bad at chewing

I found that rather hard to swallow.

I walked out my my cabin to find a beaver chewing on my favorite tree.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"



Him "Gnaw."

What's the difference between a teacher and a train??

The teacher tells you to to spit out the gum, while the other says "chew-chew!"

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his...

My mom used to put hot sauce on my fingernails to stop me from chewing them.

Now that’s the only way I can eat them :/

Hey, do you think Jesus could have chewed or gnawed his way off the cross?

Boy, I don't know... that's a real nail-biter...

What does a woman and a can of chewing tobacco have in common?

You use two fingers if it’s yours and three if it’s your buddy’s.

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I tried eating with one of my war buddies, but he chewed so loudly.

It was like, 'Nam 'Nam 'Nam...

I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco

He spat some dope limes

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

'Cause I stepped on it.

Did you hear about the nervous cannibal who chewed his fingers off?

He threw his hands up in disgust.

Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes.

3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m about to sneeze with food in my mouth, I always have existential conversation about whither I should chew the food or sneeze it out.

I end up doing the same thing every fucking time:

I chew.

This mad cow thought he was a wolf, wanted some steak, and started chewing on his old friends

It was cow-nibble-ism

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.

The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.

'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.

'Yeah i was wondering why there would be...

TIL Dolphins deliberately get high on the nerve toxins of puffer fish by chewing on them and passing it around

Talk about ‘puff puff pass’, amirite?

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

My father looked at me over the dinner table as I chewed on a massive steak

"Aren't you going to eat anything else?"
He asked.
"Cavemen only ate meat, do you see any of them around?"
I looked up at him and replied.
"Yes."

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son got sent home from school today for chewing gum in class.

I had to phone the teacher and explain to her that he's only trying to give up smoking.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.