Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:

everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

My mom used to put hot sauce on my fingernails to stop me from chewing them.

Now that’s the only way I can eat them :/

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Hey, do you think Jesus could have chewed or gnawed his way off the cross?

Boy, I don't know... that's a real nail-biter...

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I walked out my my cabin to find a beaver chewing on my favorite tree.

So I says to him "Will you stop doing that, Mr. Beaver?"



Him "Gnaw."

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

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Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”

The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.

“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.

A...

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

What is a penguins favorite chewing gum?

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

As told by my son. The student has become the dad joke master.

While eating porkchops out back.

Me: Hey, you want a bone to chew on?
Son: Gnaw bro.

I tried eating with one of my war buddies, but he chewed so loudly.

It was like, 'Nam 'Nam 'Nam...

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

If you were a dog, what would be your favorite kind of shoes to chew?

The ones from Delhi.
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.
.
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.
.
.
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.
.
.
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.
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Thats because they are Delhi-shoes

I caught my dad chewing pennies and spitting them out.

I said, "Dad, what the hell are you doing?"

He replied, "Im making us rich son"

"How?" I asked

"Simple", he said, "I'm making bit coins"

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

My son was grabbing my nicotine gum...

When I stopped him.

“Son, you can’t have those.”

“But Dad, I see you chewing it all the time!”

“That’s because I used to smoke. If you want them you better start smoking first”

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

What does a woman and a can of chewing tobacco have in common?

You use two fingers if it’s yours and three if it’s your buddy’s.

My dog just chewed up a TV remote

And he is not even remotely sorry

How does a train eat?

It goes CHEW CHEW

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Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.

The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.

'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.

'Yeah i was wondering why there would be...

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

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The Victoria's Secret Incident

I'm a detective and my day started off like every other. I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ate a slice of toast and a single sunny side up egg that my wife made. As soon as I made my way into the precinct the sheriff, Chett Bradley, walked up to me. "There's been an incident at a Victo...

Which kind of bear can chew the best?

A molar bear

My friend told me I was bad at chewing

I found that rather hard to swallow.

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...

What do redneck fathers like to chew on?

Dad gum

I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco

He spat some dope limes

Marriage is...

Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.

Chewing and eating are very similar...

But getting chewed out and getting eaten out are very different.

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A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

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Buddy told me chewing tobacco gave him the poops...

What a dip shit!

What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM.

Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

If only there was an easier way

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.


When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"


Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, a...

TIL Dolphins deliberately get high on the nerve toxins of puffer fish by chewing on them and passing it around

Talk about ‘puff puff pass’, amirite?

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I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum

And I'm all outta ass.

There was an uber driver

He picked up an elderly woman. It was an average trip, 30 minutes. They were having a pleasant conversation when she offered him a peanut. Quite shocked, he took it, ate it and thanked her. Moments later she offered another, and another and he kept eating them.
After a while he began to wonder wh...

What sound does bubblegum make when it sneezes?

Chew

So apparently the new fashion trend of the day is to stick chewed gum in your hair

It's a unique look but it's hard to pull off.

Did you hear about the nervous cannibal who chewed his fingers off?

He threw his hands up in disgust.

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There's a faint knock on the lawyer's door.

He says, "Come in!" He hears a feeble fumbling at the doorknob. Curious, he goes to the door and opens it and finds a very, very elderly couple.

He immediately rushes to put two chairs in front of his desk, then rushes back to the door to help the couple hobble over to those chairs, and then ...

What are those things in your mouths that you use to chew called?

Damn. It's right on the tip of my tongue

My dog is a watch dog.

He enjoyed chewing on my Rolex.

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Little Johnny goes fishing

Little Johnny goes fishing with his grandfather out on the lake. While they're fishing, grampa pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and takes a dip.

"Grampa, can I try that?"

Grampa thinks for a minute, then says "Does your dick reach your asshole?"

"No sir...."

"Then you a...

What’s a horse’s favourite Beatles song?



Hay Chewed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a prostitutes favourite snack?

Chewing Cum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came here to kick ass and chew gum...

And I've got new, longer-lasting Stride, so we'll be here for a while.

My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?"

I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

What do you call a Wookiee with a nicotine addiction?

Chew to' bacca

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum.

My father looked at me over the dinner table as I chewed on a massive steak

"Aren't you going to eat anything else?"
He asked.
"Cavemen only ate meat, do you see any of them around?"
I looked up at him and replied.
"Yes."

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.

So the driver
happily munches them.


Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanut.


Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?


Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.


Driver: Then why do you buy
them?


Old lady: Oh, I jus...

Did you hear the one about the blond coyote?

She chewed off 3 of her legs and was still stuck in the trap.

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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

Why does Bill Clinton chew gum all the time?

He has an oral fixation.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

'Cause I stepped on it.

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

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