Savvy investors know that this is the time of year to invest in companies that sell supplies for school-goers.

This year, look out for companies like Colt, Smith & Wesson, and Ruger!

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There was an investor...

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works...

What do you call an investor who procrastinates research?

A specu-later

Why do bitcoin investors want a Lambo?

Because they know Ferarri is owned by Fiat

PETA is a successful investor

in the laughing stock market.

A child asks his investor father “Dad, for my birthday, I’d really like a Bitcoin”

He replies “$4,000? What on earth do you need $15,000 for? Don’t you know how much $2,000 is?”

What do you call an Arab investor?

The Profit Mohammad

What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common?

They prefer liquid environments.

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A banker's son, an investor's son and a farmer's son were going to prom.

But the day before the prom, the principal made it a requirement for all students to arrive in limousines.

As the banker's son entered through the school gates in a Mercedes Maybach, the engine roared, and all the girls cheered.

"Nice limousine." Said the school security guard.

...

A vegan, a bitcoin investor and someone who didn't vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

I used to be an investor.

I lost interest.

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

Why did the tent company get no investors?

It was tough to pitch.

Donald Trump is an amazing real estate investor.

His New York properties are so hot right now!

My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide.

It's the laughing stock.

What did the bitcoin investor say to the man who wanted some bitcoin?

MINE!

looking for investors for my new specialty dating site

So I'm planning on taking advantage of the huge influx of specialty dating sites like farmers only or Christian mingle, etc... I'm starting a site exclusively for Indians. It's gonna be called, "Connect the dots."
(So who's in with me???)

The ISDS (Investor-State Dispute Settlement) clause of TTIP sounds so crazy that I begin to wonder:

ISDS the real life? Or ISDS just fantasy?

A pilgrim was seeking enlightenment

They were told to climb a mountain somewhere that could be called Tibet (but we thank the Zhongguo Reddit investors, so shan't mention it).

As the pilgrim climbed the mountain for half a day, he came across a sage with a beard this
^
|
Long and a sword this <--> big w...

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

My favourite weather phenomenon was in 1929

When it started raining investors.

A politically incorrect joke about language

Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there.

To the Frenchman they say, "you are in charge of cuisine".

To the German they say, "you are in charge of accommodation".

To the Finn they say, "you are in charge of su...

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

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Bob knows a lot of people

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a...

Cinderella was now 95 years old....

Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Ci...

In the stock market today....

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.

Why did the brothel run out of money?

Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.

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Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... ver...

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Accountants Paradise: The Theme song for "The Accountant" Starring Ben Affleck.

Accountants Paradise:

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at your finances and draw a deep deep breath.

Cos I’ve been counting and adding for all so long that even my boss thinks that my mind has gone.

But I ain’t never crossed a debit that didn’...

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