To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.

But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t hedge funder investors jerk off?

You don’t need to jerk off when you’re already fucking millions of people

Why do bitcoin investors want a Lambo?

Because they know Ferarri is owned by Fiat

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

The most successful investor was Noah.

He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

When I married an investor with IBS...

I had no idea he was going to spend all his time liquidating his assets.

What do you get when you cross a social media site with a Chinese investor?

[redacted]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an investor...

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works...

Why did the tent company get no investors?

It was tough to pitch.

So yesterday, I ran into this savvy gold investor. He dropped his wallet as I was walking behind him. He didn’t notice so I picked it back up and ran it to him. He then proceeded to thank me profusely and gave me his number so I could get a share if his stocks. Do you wanna know what I said next?

“Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

What do you call an investor who procrastinates research?

A specu-later

I used to be an investor.

I lost interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banker's son, an investor's son and a farmer's son were going to prom.

But the day before the prom, the principal made it a requirement for all students to arrive in limousines.

As the banker's son entered through the school gates in a Mercedes Maybach, the engine roared, and all the girls cheered.

"Nice limousine." Said the school security guard.

...

A Star Wars fan, a bitcoin investor and an anti-Trumper walk into a bar...

Which one tells you about it first?

My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide.

It's the laughing stock.

What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common?

They prefer liquid environments.

What do cryptocurrency investors do for fun

They YODL

What did the stock say to the investor?

Stop stocking me.

What did the bitcoin investor say to the man who wanted some bitcoin?

MINE!

looking for investors for my new specialty dating site

So I'm planning on taking advantage of the huge influx of specialty dating sites like farmers only or Christian mingle, etc... I'm starting a site exclusively for Indians. It's gonna be called, "Connect the dots."
(So who's in with me???)

Donald Trump is an amazing real estate investor.

His New York properties are so hot right now!

What's a cryptocurrency investor's favorite music?

Baroque

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

The ISDS (Investor-State Dispute Settlement) clause of TTIP sounds so crazy that I begin to wonder:

ISDS the real life? Or ISDS just fantasy?

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

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Bob knows a lot of people

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a...

A politically incorrect joke about language

Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there.

To the Frenchman they say, "you are in charge of cuisine".

To the German they say, "you are in charge of accommodation".

To the Finn they say, "you are in charge of su...

Cinderella was now 95 years old....

Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Ci...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

My favourite weather phenomenon was in 1929

When it started raining investors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... ver...

Why did the brothel run out of money?

Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

In the stock market today....

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accountants Paradise: The Theme song for "The Accountant" Starring Ben Affleck.

Accountants Paradise:

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at your finances and draw a deep deep breath.

Cos I’ve been counting and adding for all so long that even my boss thinks that my mind has gone.

But I ain’t never crossed a debit that didn’...

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