UPJOKE
sprintmarathonathletesprinterrunracewalkingjoggingsmuggleroffsetspeedskimessengercouriercarpeting

What do Olympic runners eat before running?

Nothing cause they fast

What did the runner say to the Persian?

I ran

Why was the runner in the marathon stopped and taken to jail?

He was resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running joke in my family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

What is the best country for retired runners?

Iran

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

A woman was having an affair...

One rainy day she was lying in bed with her lover when she hears her husband's car pull up.

So her lover won't get caught, he tucks his clothes under his arm and jumps out the window. While running down the road in the pouring rain, he realizes he has run straight into the town's annual mara...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Mussolini and Hitler the best runners?

They were the fascists

Why does Finland have the best runner's in the world?

Because they Finnish first

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is hitler like a boston marathon runner?

Neither can finish a race

What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.

Relay Runners

You’ve got to hand it to them.

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

What do you say if you lost the world's fastest runner?

U-seen-bolt?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

There’s this running joke in my family.

That’s what my mom said when I became a runner

What do you call a Spanish marathon runner?

Ricardio

As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty

Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you'll understand why they beeped him out.

A runner walks into a bar

The bartender says: why the long pace?

Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner

And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

Who were the fastest runners ever?

Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

Who should carry the bear mace when hiking with friends?

The slowest runner.

Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning

If the Naruto runner isnt in rewind,

420 BILLION DISLIKES

I’m like a cross between a marathon runner and a sprinter

I can jog short distances

Why will you never win a race against a runner from Finland?

Before you even start, they are already Finnish.

What was the Olympic runner doing in bed?

He was fast asleep.

"Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers...

The DA didn't have a case

There was a runner...

He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.

Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, ye...

Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A runner, a watchmaker and a doctor

are having a nice chat. Said the runner: "I'm 50 years old, but I can still run a 7 minute mile". The others are like "Man, I can't believe it, you're something". After a while it's the watchmaker's time to boast: "I'm 60 years old and I can still fix watches without using a magnifying glass". The o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan has an accident

Tarzan swung on a liana in the jungle when he suddenly lost his grip and fell to the ground.

Heavily wounded he was brought to the jungle hospital where some of his body parts had to be replaced.

He received a gorillas arm as a replacement for his right arm, a leopards leg as replaceme...

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

What does the Jewish track coach do to the female runner?

He Kosher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother joined a marathon with poop in his pants. There were 2 runners ahead of him.

He came in turd.

I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather.

They call him the Raining Champion.

What does a runner lose after winning a race?

His breath.

What does a priest and a second place runner have in common? (NSFW)

They both came in a little behind.

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make ...

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up...

Technically, I'm second to nun.

How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction?

There both just honestly happy to finish

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

On a first date, a lovely young lady asks, 'So what are your hobbies?'

The man replies, 'I like running, hunting, and people watching'

The lady says, 'Oh that's cool. I'm also a runner.'

The man says, 'I know.'

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

What do sneeze attacks and runners both have?

Tennis shoes

What's runny and smells bad?

A marathon runner

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

[gun goes off]

[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]

ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

A screaming, yelling mob were

A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

Last year I entered a marathon.

The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

Which cartoon character curses the most?

The Road Runner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agree...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.