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Runner Jokes

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The naked runner

A couple of lovers were in the midst of action in bed when suddenly they heard a noise at the door. The woman panicked and said to her lover, 'My husband, my husband is here! Jump out of the window!'

Without thinking twice, the lover jumped naked out of the window and landed in some bushes. H...

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Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

Why are runners bad in bed?

They always finish first.
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Why are librarians excellent runners?

Because they are always bookin' it!
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What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!
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What did the runner say to the Persian?

I ran
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A runner walks into a bar

An ultra runner jogs into a bar and orders a beer. She reaches into her sweaty sports bra and pulls out a sweaty crumpled $5 bill to pay. The bartender gingerly picks up the damp bill with a pair of tongs and dumps it in a bucket. "You realize every time I get money with bodily fluids on them I have...

Why did the marathon runner end up in jail?

For resisting a rest.
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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

There is a running joke among marathon runners ...

... that has even won some medals.
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A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

Why was the runner in the marathon stopped and taken to jail?

He was resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running joke in my family.
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What is the best country for retired runners?

Iran
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Relay Runners

You’ve got to hand it to them.
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Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.
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Why does Finland have the best runner's in the world?

Because they Finnish first
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I’m like a cross between a marathon runner and a sprinter

I can jog short distances
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A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...
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Why are Mussolini and Hitler the best runners?

They were the fascists

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

A runner walks into a bar

The bartender says: why the long pace?
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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

Who were the fastest runners ever?

Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.
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How is hitler like a boston marathon runner?

Neither can finish a race

I stopped at the bar after work the other day...

...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks.

They were bragging about their best surgeries ever.

The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident.

The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now h...
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If the Naruto runner isnt in rewind,

420 BILLION DISLIKES
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What do you call a Spanish marathon runner?

Ricardio
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There was a runner...

He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.

Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, ye...
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Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you'll understand why they beeped him out.
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Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make ...
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As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty
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Night runner.

A lady decided to go for a run even though it was already dark outside. During said run, her neighbour saw her.
- Isn't it too late for that? - He asked.
- I like running at night! - She replied.
- That's not what I meant, you fucking fatass!

Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.
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What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.
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A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner

And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.
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What do you say if you lost the world's fastest runner?

U-seen-bolt?
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What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs
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Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning
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Why will you never win a race against a runner from Finland?

Before you even start, they are already Finnish.
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I really want to watch Blade Runner 2049 but...

I think I don't have the time to watch all 2048 movies before it to understand the plot
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Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.
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"Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers...

The DA didn't have a case
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What does a runner lose after winning a race?

His breath.
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How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction?

There both just honestly happy to finish
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How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.
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The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...
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A runner, a watchmaker and a doctor

are having a nice chat. Said the runner: "I'm 50 years old, but I can still run a 7 minute mile". The others are like "Man, I can't believe it, you're something". After a while it's the watchmaker's time to boast: "I'm 60 years old and I can still fix watches without using a magnifying glass". The o...

Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up...

Technically, I'm second to nun.
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What does a priest and a second place runner have in common? (NSFW)

They both came in a little behind.
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In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...
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My brother joined a marathon with poop in his pants. There were 2 runners ahead of him.

He came in turd.

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

What do sneeze attacks and runners both have?

Tennis shoes
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There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...
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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather.

They call him the Raining Champion.
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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

Last year I entered the New York City marathon.



The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.<...
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There’s this running joke in my family.

That’s what my mom said when I became a runner
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If you want to impress a girl...

...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"
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What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner
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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

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One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

Who should carry the bear mace when hiking with friends?

The slowest runner.
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got one for yall

A paralympic runner reaches the end of the race and wins 1st place. They look to their leg and say "I never would have made it this far without you"
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A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."
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What's runny and smells bad?

A marathon runner
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The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agree...

On a first date, a lovely young lady asks, 'So what are your hobbies?'

The man replies, 'I like running, hunting, and people watching'

The lady says, 'Oh that's cool. I'm also a runner.'

The man says, 'I know.'
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Big Chief...

There was this Chief somewhere in a tribe and he was constipated.

After the 1st day, he sent a runner to go get his personal medicine man. The medicine man asked the runner what the problems was. The runner says *"Big CHIEF, NO Shit"*.

So he sent the Chief some local laxatives and told...

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After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

[gun goes off]

[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]

ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.
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A screaming, yelling mob were

A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"
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My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

Which cartoon character curses the most?

The Road Runner
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My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
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3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.
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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

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