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Runner Jokes

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A runner walks into a bar

An ultra runner jogs into a bar and orders a beer. She reaches into her sweaty sports bra and pulls out a sweaty crumpled $5 bill to pay. The bartender gingerly picks up the damp bill with a pair of tongs and dumps it in a bucket. "You realize every time I get money with bodily fluids on them I have...

There is a running joke among marathon runners ...

... that has even won some medals.

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

What did the runner say to the Persian?

I ran

What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

Why was the runner in the marathon stopped and taken to jail?

He was resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running joke in my family.

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Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

What do female runners use on their period

Track pads

What is the best country for retired runners?

Iran

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Why are Mussolini and Hitler the best runners?

They were the fascists

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.

Why does Finland have the best runner's in the world?

Because they Finnish first

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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

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A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner

And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

What do you say if you lost the world's fastest runner?

U-seen-bolt?

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How is hitler like a boston marathon runner?

Neither can finish a race

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

What do you call a Spanish marathon runner?

Ricardio

What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.

Who were the fastest runners ever?

Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

I’m like a cross between a marathon runner and a sprinter

I can jog short distances

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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you'll understand why they beeped him out.

As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty

Relay Runners

You’ve got to hand it to them.

If the Naruto runner isnt in rewind,

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Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning

Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.

A runner walks into a bar

The bartender says: why the long pace?

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

Why will you never win a race against a runner from Finland?

Before you even start, they are already Finnish.

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

"Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers...

The DA didn't have a case

What does the Jewish track coach do to the female runner?

He Kosher.

There was a runner...

He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.

Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, ye...

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My brother joined a marathon with poop in his pants. There were 2 runners ahead of him.

He came in turd.

Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.

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A runner, a watchmaker and a doctor

are having a nice chat. Said the runner: "I'm 50 years old, but I can still run a 7 minute mile". The others are like "Man, I can't believe it, you're something". After a while it's the watchmaker's time to boast: "I'm 60 years old and I can still fix watches without using a magnifying glass". The o...

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