What did the runner say to the Persian?

I ran

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Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

What is the best country for retired runners?

Iran

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Why are Mussolini and Hitler the best runners?

They were the fascists

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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.

Why does Finland have the best runner's in the world?

Because they Finnish first

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After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

Who were the fastest runners ever?

Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

What do you say if you lost the world's fastest runner?

U-seen-bolt?

Relay Runners

You’ve got to hand it to them.

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner

And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

I’m like a cross between a marathon runner and a sprinter

I can jog short distances

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I finally experienced the runner's high I kept hearing about.

For those wondering, it's just like Ayahuasca. First, you start seeing shit that isn't real and then you throw up a lot.

What do you call a Spanish marathon runner?

Ricardio

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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

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A woman was having an affair While her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from ...

Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you'll understand why they beeped him out.

As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

If the Naruto runner isnt in rewind,

420 BILLION DISLIKES

Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning

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What does Hitler and a Boston marathon runner have in common?

They can't finish a race.

Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.

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There once was a stripper who also ran marathons...

Before every race she would take a drink of Windex. After a couple of races one of her fellow runners and a client of the strip club where she worked noticed she always drunk the Windex before the race. He was curious and asked her “Why do you drink the Windex?” She replied “To keep me from streakin...

What do runners eat before a race?

Fast food.

A runner walks into a bar

The bartender says: why the long pace?

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland?

Russian to Finnish.

On a first date, a lovely young lady asks, 'So what are your hobbies?'

The man replies, 'I like running, hunting, and people watching'

The lady says, 'Oh that's cool. I'm also a runner.'

The man says, 'I know.'

What's runny and smells bad?

A marathon runner

"Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers...

The DA didn't have a case

What was the Olympic runner doing in bed?

He was fast asleep.

Why will you never win a race against a runner from Finland?

Before you even start, they are already Finnish.

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

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My brother joined a marathon with poop in his pants. There were 2 runners ahead of him.

He came in turd.

There was a runner...

He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.

Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, ye...

Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.

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A runner, a watchmaker and a doctor

are having a nice chat. Said the runner: "I'm 50 years old, but I can still run a 7 minute mile". The others are like "Man, I can't believe it, you're something". After a while it's the watchmaker's time to boast: "I'm 60 years old and I can still fix watches without using a magnifying glass". The o...

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

What do sneeze attacks and runners both have?

Tennis shoes

Why did the marathon runner end up in jail?

For resisting a rest.

A screaming, yelling mob were

A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not bloody chasing it!"

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make ...

What does a runner lose after winning a race?

His breath.

I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather.

They call him the Raining Champion.

What does a priest and a second place runner have in common? (NSFW)

They both came in a little behind.

[gun goes off]

[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]

ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up...

Technically, I'm second to nun.

Why was the track runner with low self-esteem able to complete the race even after being impaled by a stray javelin?

He didn't know he had it in him.

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

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My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

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3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

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One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

Last year I entered a marathon.

The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

Which cartoon character curses the most?

The Road Runner

My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

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Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.


The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.

...

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

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NSFW Long A mole challenges a rabbit to a race...

Hey rabbit want to bet that I can get to that tree before you on a race, said the mole to the rabbit.

Of course and I will win, said the arrogant rabbit, but what do you want to bet?

I have an idea; said the little mole, the winner gets to fuck the other in the ass...

WTF said t...

A man in Terhan finished a marathon.

A fellow entered the state marathon, in Terhran. The runner suprised everyone by finishing in record time. With great curiosity, the judges and government asked how he could possibly finish in such a speedy time. The man, humbly, responds with...

'Iran.'

What is the band “Foreigner’s” favourite car to drive?

A Toyota 4 -Runner

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The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agree...

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I know I'm not supposed to judge people by race...

But I fucking hate marathon runners.

Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.

Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.

Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.

"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.

"You may have won,"...

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

My teacher told me to take out my number two pencil.

Lady, I don't have a favorite pencil, let alone a runner up.

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