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Doctor: I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

A colon can change the meaning of a sentence completely

For example:
Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
Vs.
Jane ate her friend's colon.

Elon Musk new plan for Mars colonization will include only registered Republicans.

He is going to make it the true red planet.

I can’t wait until we colonize space

And then it’s two worlds one cup.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my employees said he couldn't come to work today because of a perforated colon.

I think he is full of shit.

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

(OC) What do you call a doctor that works with Colons?

An English professor.

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it

Now I just have a ;

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

Since the Pope had half of his colon removed…

I guess he’s left with only a semicolon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got my first colonic the other day.

When they finished they pulled the hose out of my ass and said, “congratulations, you’re no longer totally full of shit.”

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

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What's it called when some has their first anal experience?

Colonization

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

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My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.



She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

The semicolon was invented because the colon was lonely...

It just wanted a little comma-raderie.

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?

Colon cancer.

It’s only colon cancer if it’s from Colon, Argentina

Otherwise it’s just sparkling cancer

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

I ruptured my colon by farting

It was a gas

Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened?

'Buns n Hoses'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a band called colon explosion.

People say our music's the shit.

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Anal sex and this joke: what do they have in common?

A misused colon

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

Friend: Going back to colonizing lands would be amazing

Me: Yeah exactly! The best part about it is there is no consent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

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Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

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I told my friend I was gay. His response? D:

Guess he wants my big D next to his colon.

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

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