The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

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My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.

​

She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

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What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

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I'm in a band called colon explosion.

People say our music's the shit.

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

My grandfather had colon cancer

He said it wasn't too bad. Grandma was a bigger pain in the ass!

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What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea?

"Get your shit together"

Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.

All I'll have left is a ;

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The anus says to the colon

"Why are you giving me so much shit?"

"Well, you're an asshole."

When i was younger i had part of my colon removed

Now i only have a semicolon

I told my wife, β€œDid you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

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When can a sentence poop?

When it has a colon

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Why does everything turn to shit after the British take over it?

Because its colon-ization.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

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How did the Grammar Nazi die?

Colon Cancer.

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A little boy asks his dad, "Where does poo come from?"

His father is taken aback by the question but decides to tell the son the truth.

"Well, son," he says, "food passes down the oesophagus, enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction. Then it passes through the alimentary canal before waste enters the colon, and then...

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A man goes to his girlfriend's parent's house for Thanksgiving. He's really nervous as this is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas...

While they're sitting there watching TV in the family room, it isn't so bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud.

Also, the parent's big old dog Harold is licking his balls and everyone can hear that, so he can sit there and fart into the couch without anyone hearing a th...

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I started dating an English teacher

Things were going great, but she'd start correcting my grammar during sex.

>Who's the daddy?

>Noo it's 'the daddy's who?'

>Suck it good bitch

>No it's 'suck it well'

The worst part of it all, she gets particularly annoyed at my use of the colon.

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

Two guys were chatting in the bar

"So how'd it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"

"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"

"Shame. Why'd she do so?"

"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."

What do you call a stripper with a 9mm up her ass?

A split sentence, because she’s putting a semi in the colon.

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

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The organs in the body get into an argument...

(Heard this from my mom who works in a hospital...)

The brain says "I'm the most important. I control everything". The heart says "yeah, but without me, you'd have no blood and couldn't function". The lungs say "but without me, you'd have no oxygen in the blood". They liver says "yeah but ...

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

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Lucky night

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.

As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"

The sex worker turns and sa...

I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.

She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.

She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.

She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.

She panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-...

Wife says "sorry I have my period".

I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, bu...

One thing I never got about the decolonization...

What the hell was the point of removing the natives' colons?

A woman visits her doctor since she has some abdominal pains ...

She thinks she might be pregnant. After the examination, the doctor comes out to see her.
Doctor: *"Well, I hope you like changing diapers."*
Patient: *"Oh my god, are you serious? Am I pregnant?"*
Doctor: *"No, you've got colon cancer."*

My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on.

Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable.

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Ke...

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me,

It's what a colon does.

Your morbid joke for the day.

A man visits his doctor as for the past few weeks he has been feeling incredibly ill. After numerous tests and examinations his doctor finally breaks the news about his results.


"I'm afraid there is no easy way to say this... You have terminal colon cancer. It was left unchecked for so lo...

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"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery?

A semi-colon

Overheard on the organ black market

"Got awful grammar? Buy this colon!"

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A Jewish Guy, a German Guy, and a Black Guy walk into a bar...

The three of them sit down and order a round of drinks. After awhile, they notice this extremely old man sitting at the end of the bar and one of them says "Wow! That man looks so old, he might be Jesus!"

Another guy calls the old man over and says "We want to buy your a beer. You look so old...

What do computer programmers and aged-care nurses have in common?

They both worry about the position of colons.

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Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...