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Colon Jokes

I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon

I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.

(OC) What do you call a doctor that works with Colons?

An English professor.

Doctor : I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

someone scolded me for using a semi colon instead of a colon...

I just couldn't give a shift

I can’t wait until we colonize space

And then it’s two worlds one cup.

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

Since the Pope had half of his colon removed…

I guess he’s left with only a semicolon.

Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

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Got my first colonic the other day.

When they finished they pulled the hose out of my ass and said, “congratulations, you’re no longer totally full of shit.”

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

Elon Musk new plan for Mars colonization will include only registered Republicans.

He is going to make it the true red planet.

Doctor: Unfortunately sir, we had to remove part of your colon due to the cancer

Me. Oh my gosh

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One of my employees said he couldn't come to work today because of a perforated colon.

I think he is full of shit.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

I ruptured my colon by farting

It was a gas

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

The semicolon was invented because the colon was lonely...

It just wanted a little comma-raderie.

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

It’s only colon cancer if it’s from Colon, Argentina

Otherwise it’s just sparkling cancer

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

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My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.



She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

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Anal sex and this joke: what do they have in common?

A misused colon

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened?

'Buns n Hoses'

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

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I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

What do you say when bees colonize your chest cavity and start a farm?

Bees till my beating heart.

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What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

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I'm in a band called colon explosion.

People say our music's the shit.

Knock Knock

[PERSON] who's there

Colin

[PERSON] Colin who?

Colonization, just kidding, colonizers don't knock before coming in

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

Friend: Going back to colonizing lands would be amazing

Me: Yeah exactly! The best part about it is there is no consent

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

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What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

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Why did the idiot sit on a Xerox machine?

His doctor told him he needed a colon ass copy.

Colons can drastically change the meanings of sentences, far more than commas.

For example,

I come in a car

I come in a colon

Gastroenterology Jokes

Looking for good GI jokes. That’d make a GI doctor laugh!

—-

Good ones I have

—-

A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon

It was a week before I realised you have to eat them

——

what do you call a fake gluten intolerance?

a sill...

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

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I told my friend I was gay. His response? D:

Guess he wants my big D next to his colon.

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

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Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?

Colon cancer.

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on.

Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable.

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

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What's it called when some has their first anal experience?

Colonization

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

At the doctor’s

Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.

Me: How small are we talking?

Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.

Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?

Wife says "sorry I have my period".

I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!

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