Doctor: we will have to remove your colon.

me why?

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I ate Julie’s sandwich.

I ate Julie’s colon.

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

The semicolon was invented because the colon was lonely...

It just wanted a little comma-raderie.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.

They both have a great time.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.

I ruptured my colon by farting

It was a gas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad has colon cancer

It's shitty.

My mom got part of her colon removed.

Now she has a semicolon!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer...

...But she didn't give a shit

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.



She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

At the doctor’s

Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.

Me: How small are we talking?

Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.

Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?

Friend: Going back to colonizing lands would be amazing

Me: Yeah exactly! The best part about it is there is no consent

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

Why are all ants British?

Because they colonize.

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a band called colon explosion.

People say our music's the shit.

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does me and NASA have in common

We both want to colonize Uranus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The anus says to the colon

"Why are you giving me so much shit?"

"Well, you're an asshole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea?

"Get your shit together"

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.

All I'll have left is a ;

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a novelist and a pornstar?

A novelist puts colons in their work while pornstars put their work in their colon.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It got it stuck in my colon.

The Legend Of The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confuse...

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

Why was the journalist crumpled up on the office floor in tears?

Because the editor removed his colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do English teachers hate anal sex?

Because they can't stand it when you misuse a colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonscopy

True story so my dad(60M) had a colonoscopy today and since his father died of colon cancer he decided to tell us he had one and that all was good.

My reply?

That's some good ass news.

Thank you I'll be here all week.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Grammar Nazi die?

Colon Cancer.

What's the best way to end an argument?

A semi-colon.

I told my wife, “Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does everything turn to shit after the British take over it?

Because its colon-ization.

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.