A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it

Now I just have a ;

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Got my first colonic the other day.

When they finished they pulled the hose out of my ass and said, “congratulations, you’re no longer totally full of shit.”

We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

The Pope recently had Colon Surgery. Imagine having to operate on such an important person...

The surgeon probably poped himself

Since the Pope had half of his colon removed…

I guess he’s left with only a semicolon.

A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence

"The marbles fell out of my pocket."
Vs
"The marbles fell out of my colon."

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?

Colon cancer.

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Anal sex and this joke: what do they have in common?

A misused colon

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

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Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery..

Me why?

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

The semicolon was invented because the colon was lonely...

It just wanted a little comma-raderie.

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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

It’s only colon cancer if it’s from Colon, Argentina

Otherwise it’s just sparkling cancer

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I told my friend I was gay. His response? D:

Guess he wants my big D next to his colon.

I ruptured my colon by farting

It was a gas

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My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.



She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

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I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

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What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

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I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

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I'm in a band called colon explosion.

People say our music's the shit.

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

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What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

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What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea?

"Get your shit together"

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

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Buttcheeks

At the top of the hour, little Adam asks the grade 3 teacher "Is 'buttcheeks' one word? ..... Or should I spread them?"

Before the teacher could snort, little Brian chips in: "I know, I know! There should always be a colon in the middle! Am I right? "

The teacher shakes her head: "Loo...

Friend: Going back to colonizing lands would be amazing

Me: Yeah exactly! The best part about it is there is no consent

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

Rich people have...

Rich people have colon cleanses
Poor people have taco bell

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

At the doctor’s

Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.

Me: How small are we talking?

Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.

Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

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What does me and NASA have in common

We both want to colonize Uranus.

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Whats the difference between a novelist and a pornstar?

A novelist puts colons in their work while pornstars put their work in their colon.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

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