A colon in a sentence can make it memorable

Jane ate her friend's lunch.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

See what I mean?

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

The Pope recently had Colon Surgery. Imagine having to operate on such an important person...

The surgeon probably poped himself

Since the Pope had half of his colon removed…

I guess he’s left with only a semicolon.

A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence

"The marbles fell out of my pocket."
Vs
"The marbles fell out of my colon."

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Got my first colonic the other day.

When they finished they pulled the hose out of my ass and said, “congratulations, you’re no longer totally full of shit.”

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Anal sex and this joke: what do they have in common?

A misused colon

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery..

Me why?

What do you say when bees colonize your chest cavity and start a farm?

Bees till my beating heart.

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Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

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I told my friend I was gay. His response? D:

Guess he wants my big D next to his colon.

What did Axl Rose name the colonics spa that he proudly opened?

'Buns n Hoses'

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

The semicolon was invented because the colon was lonely...

It just wanted a little comma-raderie.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

It’s only colon cancer if it’s from Colon, Argentina

Otherwise it’s just sparkling cancer

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I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

I ruptured my colon by farting

It was a gas

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

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My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.



She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

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What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

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I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer...

...But she didn't give a shit

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I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

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I'm in a band called colon explosion.

People say our music's the shit.

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Buttcheeks

At the top of the hour, little Adam asks the grade 3 teacher "Is 'buttcheeks' one word? ..... Or should I spread them?"

Before the teacher could snort, little Brian chips in: "I know, I know! There should always be a colon in the middle! Am I right? "

The teacher shakes her head: "Loo...

Friend: Going back to colonizing lands would be amazing

Me: Yeah exactly! The best part about it is there is no consent

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

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What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

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What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea?

"Get your shit together"

Rich people have...

Rich people have colon cleanses
Poor people have taco bell

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

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The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll colonize your land.

Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize

At the doctor’s

Doctor: It seems like your colon is unusually small.

Me: How small are we talking?

Doctor: It’s about half the normal size.

Me: You mean..it’s a semi colon?

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

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What does me and NASA have in common

We both want to colonize Uranus.

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Whats the difference between a novelist and a pornstar?

A novelist puts colons in their work while pornstars put their work in their colon.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

The Legend Of The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confuse...

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Why do English teachers hate anal sex?

Because they can't stand it when you misuse a colon.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It got it stuck in my colon.

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So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

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