Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Sam ate his own lunch after school.

Sam ate his own colon after school.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences!

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon

Me Why?

My mom got part of her colon removed.

Now she has a semicolon!

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.



She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer...

...But she didn't give a shit

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean...

I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Colonscopy

True story so my dad(60M) had a colonoscopy today and since his father died of colon cancer he decided to tell us he had one and that all was good.

My reply?

That's some good ass news.

Thank you I'll be here all week.

Space colonization

I: :think: :I: :may: :have: :figured: :it: :out

I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I'm in a band called colon explosion.

People say our music's the shit.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

Why do all ants have a British accent?

Because they colonize!

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The anus says to the colon

"Why are you giving me so much shit?"

"Well, you're an asshole."

I used to go out with an English-language teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't like my improper use of the colon.

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Why do English teachers hate anal sex?

Because they can't stand it when you misuse a colon.

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea?

"Get your shit together"

Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.

All I'll have left is a ;

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

I told my wife, β€œDid you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

How did the Grammar Nazi die?

Colon Cancer.

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

What do you call a stripper with a 9mm up her ass?

A split sentence, because she’s putting a semi in the colon.

nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Lucky night

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.

As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"

The sex worker turns and sa...

I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.

She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.

She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.

She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.

She panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-...

Two guys were chatting in the bar

"So how'd it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"

"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"

"Shame. Why'd she do so?"

"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

Wife says "sorry I have my period".

I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!

My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed.

Edit: Grammar should have used a semi-colon

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The organs in the body get into an argument...

(Heard this from my mom who works in a hospital...)

The brain says "I'm the most important. I control everything". The heart says "yeah, but without me, you'd have no blood and couldn't function". The lungs say "but without me, you'd have no oxygen in the blood". They liver says "yeah but ...

One thing I never got about the decolonization...

What the hell was the point of removing the natives' colons?

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, bu...

If there's one thing my English major girlfriend has taught me,

It's what a colon does.

My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on.

Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable.

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Ke...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

What does an author have after they get abdominal surgery?

A semi-colon

Overheard on the organ black market

"Got awful grammar? Buy this colon!"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A Jewish Guy, a German Guy, and a Black Guy walk into a bar...

The three of them sit down and order a round of drinks. After awhile, they notice this extremely old man sitting at the end of the bar and one of them says "Wow! That man looks so old, he might be Jesus!"

Another guy calls the old man over and says "We want to buy your a beer. You look so old...

Your morbid joke for the day.

A man visits his doctor as for the past few weeks he has been feeling incredibly ill. After numerous tests and examinations his doctor finally breaks the news about his results.


"I'm afraid there is no easy way to say this... You have terminal colon cancer. It was left unchecked for so lo...

What do computer programmers and aged-care nurses have in common?

They both worry about the position of colons.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.