The 40+ Best Comma Jokes

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

A comma can save a life.

Let's eat grandma.

Let's eat, grandma.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Ben is in a hurry.

Ben is in a coma.

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

A comma can totally change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I hit my FIL and he’s now in the house

Vs

I hit my FIL and he’s now in a coma.

What is the difference a comma makes?

I like my steak well done
vs.
I like my steak well, done.

After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account!

$ -1,250

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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

Normally we use commas in texts to pause it,

but if you get into a comma, is it a pause in your life?

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

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Capital Letters Are Important

Capital letters can be just as important as commas and full-stops. For example, the sentence: "Let's help your Uncle Jack off his donkey" does *not* mean the same as "Let's help your uncle jack off his donkey".

My 3 Favorite Things

My 3 favorite things are the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities

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Is a comma just a well hung period?

Or is a period just a comma with a micropenis?

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court

They're awaiting their sentence

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

I've got another example of the importance of Oxford commas:

I passed a headstone the other day which read, "Here lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good man."

 

I just can't believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.

The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died.

Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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My two favorite things are fucking my step sister and not using commas.

I also can't count.

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With or without the comma?

man, tits are the best!

man tits are the best!

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Did you know that a single comma can insult a head of state?

Trash is Putin, the garbage bin.

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he sa...

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

Commas are important people

Unless you consider them human, too.

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for /r/riddles but I think its more a joke

Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws

commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.

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A comma is the difference between

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton."

and

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

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