UPJOKE
ordinaryusualplebeianmutualcommonalityvulgarvernacularcommunalfrequentaveragegeneraldemocraticstandardtypicalinformal

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

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I called in on my doctor yesterday because I had found deep inside between my buttocks a full-stop and also a comma just below it.

He took one look, paused for a moment, and then referred me for a semi-colonoscopy.

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

A comma can totally change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I hit my FIL and he’s now in the house

Vs

I hit my FIL and he’s now in a coma.

My neighbor was found guilty of overusing commas.

The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

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My two favorite things are fucking my step sister and not using commas.

I also can't count.

What is the difference a comma makes?

I like my steak well done
vs.
I like my steak well, done.

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

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A comma is important in a sentence

For example...

I was helping my uncle jack, off a horse.

I was helping my uncle jack off a horse.

After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account!

$ -1,250

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With or without the comma?

man, tits are the best!

man tits are the best!

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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

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Is a comma just a well hung period?

Or is a period just a comma with a micropenis?

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step one: use commas

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

Now that we know how capitalization change a sentence's meaning, see what's a comma can do

"I'm back."

"Welcome back."

______

"I'm back."

"Welcome, back."

Now that's what I call a PUNctuation joke.

The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died.

Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.

I've got another example of the importance of Oxford commas:

I passed a headstone the other day which read, "Here lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good man."

 

I just can't believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.

I love eating babies

and not using commas!

Did you know that a single comma can insult a head of state?

Trash is Putin, the garbage bin.

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A comma is the difference between

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton."

and

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for /r/riddles but I think its more a joke

Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws

commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.

The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he sa...

There are 3 things that I love:

The Oxford Comma, irony, and missed opportunities.

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

The Three Simple Things in This World That Give Me The Most Joy In This Life Are…

Eating Puppies and Not Using Commas Appropriately.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

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