UPJOKE
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I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

My neighbor was found guilty of overusing commas.

The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

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I called in on my doctor yesterday because I had found deep inside between my buttocks a full-stop and also a comma just below it.

He took one look, paused for a moment, and then referred me for a semi-colonoscopy.

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

Herschel Walker made a speech in front of his GOP peers a day after the debate..

"They said I can't speak good on stage without a prompter" he said.

"But whose laughing now question mark Ha comma ha comma ha"

My Friend Brought his cousin over to my house yesterday

He said “my cousin takes Everything literally.” So I tried not to say anything to him so nothing bad would happen, a few minutes after that I had to go to the store so I left my friend and his cousin at my house. When I got back everything was gone, including the cousin, but my friend was still ther...

What is the difference a comma makes?

I like my steak well done
vs.
I like my steak well, done.

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Ben is in a hurry.

Ben is in a coma.

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

What would a run on sentence ending in chameleon look like if you took away all the preceding words?

Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon.

After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account!

$ -1,250

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My two favorite things are fucking my step sister and not using commas.

I also can't count.

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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

There are three things I love:

The Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities.

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Is a comma just a well hung period?

Or is a period just a comma with a micropenis?

What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.

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A comma is important in a sentence

For example...

I was helping my uncle jack, off a horse.

I was helping my uncle jack off a horse.

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

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With or without the comma?

man, tits are the best!

man tits are the best!

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

What is an english teacher’s favorite Radiohead song?

Comma Police.

I've got another example of the importance of Oxford commas:

I passed a headstone the other day which read, "Here lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good man."

 

I just can't believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.

Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died.

Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

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A comma is the difference between

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton."

and

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."

The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he sa...

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for /r/riddles but I think its more a joke

Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws

commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.

Did you know that a single comma can insult a head of state?

Trash is Putin, the garbage bin.

Commas are important people

Unless you consider them human, too.

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Commas make all the difference

He was fucking up, until the end.

He was fucking, up until the end.

Why do the Germans use commas in place of decimal points?

Because it makes 6,000,000 seem like a much smaller number.

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step one: use commas

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

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