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Comma Jokes

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.
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A comma can save a life.

Let's eat grandma.


Let's eat, grandma.
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What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
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Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
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Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.
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Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.
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If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?
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Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Ben is in a hurry.

Ben is in a coma.
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A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
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A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark. However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't...
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What is the difference a comma makes?

I like my steak well done
vs.
I like my steak well, done.
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My 3 Favorite Things

My 3 favorite things are the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Capital Letters Are Important

Capital letters can be just as important as commas and full-stops. For example, the sentence: "Let's help your Uncle Jack off his donkey" does *not* mean the same as "Let's help your uncle jack off his donkey".

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Is a comma just a well hung period?

Or is a period just a comma with a micropenis?

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

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After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account!

$ -1,250
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What do you call a lizard that can punctuate five times in a row?

A comma comma comma comma comma chameleon!
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I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.
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If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.
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With or without the comma?

man, tits are the best!

man tits are the best!

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...
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A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)
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Learn the use of comma, save a wedding.

Do your best man.

Do your best, man.
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Commas are important people

Unless you consider them human, too.
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What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.
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I've got another example of the importance of Oxford commas:

I passed a headstone the other day which read, "Here lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good man."

 

I just can't believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.
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What would a run on sentence ending in chameleon look like if you took away all the preceding words?

Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon.
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My two favorite things are fucking my step sister and not using commas.

I also can't count.

The real joke is in the commas

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he sa...
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28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court

They're awaiting their sentence
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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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A comma is the difference between

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton."

and

"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for /r/riddles but I think its more a joke

Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws

commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.
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Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals
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Now that we know how capitalization change a sentence's meaning, see what's a comma can do

"I'm back."

"Welcome back."

______

"I'm back."

"Welcome, back."

Now that's what I call a PUNctuation joke.
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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

Did you know that a single comma can insult a head of state?

Trash is Putin, the garbage bin.
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How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step 1: Use commas.
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My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.
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Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)
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My 3 Fevorite Things are:

Eating My Cats and Not Using Commas
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An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?
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What is an english teacher’s favorite Radiohead song?

Comma Police.
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My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.

I told her it was better than being in a comma.
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I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.

(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)

(also a comma)
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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

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