UPJOKE
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After retirement, an army colonel married a young 25 year old woman.

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a...

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

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A Sexy Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have sex ?

Colonel:1955.

She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?

The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

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One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.

First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Ha...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his ...

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happe...

Sophistication

Three retired colonels are chatting away over brandy and cigars at their club, and the talk turns to the subject of sophistication. One of them says "The essence of sophistication... is when you're in bed with another man's wife, and he comes through the bedroom door, and he sees what's going on, an...

I asked the Colonel

what the lowest rank in the army was.

He said, "It's Private."

I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

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The colonel rides again...

There was a knock on the door and the colonel opened it to see a young woman standing there. “I don’t know if you remember me colonel ...”. “Course I do gel, you’re from the village, Jenkins’ daughter, went off to university, well done, what can I do for you”? “Well, I’m in my last year now, studyin...

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

General Tso...Colonel Sanders...

What is it with these high ranking military men making chicken?

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Colonel Custer's widow [NSFW, language]

Heard this on the Sopranos, hopefully won't screw it up.

A few weeks after his death, Col. Custer's widow felt it necessary to commemorate her late husband. She found one of the best painters of the time and asked him to paint a mural of Custer's final moments. A month goes by and the paintin...

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Colonel Isaev, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, is invited to a school in Leningrad

He is telling the children about his days as a soldier in the Red Army and his war exploits. When he finishes, he asks the children if they have any questions.

Vovochka raises his hand, and the teacher tenses up.

"When I grow up, I want to be an intelligence officer and protect my Glor...

Colonel comes up to the guard post and asks if anything happened during the last shift

"Nothing much sir" says the private on duty "just the spade handle got broken"
"And what were you doing with the spade that it broke, private?"
"Just burying the guard dog, sir"
"What happened to the guard dog, private?"
"It was run over by the firetruck."
"What bloody firetruck?"
...

what do u call a group of colonels ?

a cob .


(cuz its pronounced kernel in american )

no ? ok ..

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Heated Argument

A General, a Colonel and a Major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex. The General maintained that sex was 60% work and 40% fun. The Colonel said it was 75% work and 25% fun. The major thought it was 90% work and 10% fun.

At the height of the argument, a Private appeared at th...

In the army all Colonels get promoted

That's a Generalization.

A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires

as a Colonel in good standing among his field

The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."

"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"

They negotiated until the Colonel finaly ...

A Soviet citizen turns on the TV

On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels…"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

An Air Force Colonel is about to commence briefing his soldiers.

Most of them are standing there naked wondering how they were convinced to play out one of their commander’s fantasies.

A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.

The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"

A corporal and a colonel shared a train car on their way back from the front...

"Do you see that field?" intoned the colonel. "In that field I led a charge, and when my great white steed was shot out from under me, I had to carry on by foot."

Time passed, and eventually the corporal replied, "Do you see that rock, Sir? I was banging a farmer's daughter behind that rock...

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At a party, a liutenant pinches the girl's ass. She turns around. It's the colonel's daughter. Terrified, the liutenant says:

"If your heart is as hard as what I just felt, I'm a dead man."

Very Important Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to
enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General,
I'll be seeing him this afte...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Two British Raj colonels are sitting at a table, enjoying a cup of tea and a warm bowl of curry

The first colonel turns to the other and says

"Why I say, this India land is extraordinary!"

The second colonel replies;

"Quite so, but there's just one issue"

"What's that?"

Looking outside onto the street, the second replies;

"Too many damn foreigners!"

What's the difference between Colonel Custer and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

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The headmistress of a Southern charm school calls up an army base and asks to speak to the Colonel.

"Sir, I do apologize for calling you so late, but my girls have informed me we have a bit of an issue that needs addressing directly," she says, "And I hoped you might lend a hand in solving it."

"Of course, Ma'am, I'll be happy to help if I can," says the Colonel. "What's the matter?"
...

What does kfc use to make its popcorn chicken?

Chicken colonels.

The Pope and Colonel Sanders

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea.

He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day a daily bread" to "Give us this day a daily chicken."

"I can't p...

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What did the old Kentucky colonel say when he got his Viagra?

The south shall rise again!

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

Tin Soldiers

I once had a box of tin soldiers,

I’d often take them to bed,

I’d get bored of Generals and Colonels

And play with my Private’s instead

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Colonel Sanders wanted to show him a secret...

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

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Honorable discharge

Three long-time servicemen are about to retire, and they are told that as a reward for many years of great service, they're are going to be given an amount of money equal to the distance between any two points on their body, in inches, times a thousand.

The colonel, being a tall man, picks t...

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A Camel and a Captain

An army captain got sent to a remote desert outpost. On the first day his lieutenant shows the new captain around, he shows him the weapon depot, the officers mess and then takes him to a small tent. Inside the tent, lies a sleeping female camel.

The confused captain asked him why they had a...

" Two birds, one stone"

Military Translations - its talking about two full bird colonels and one of them is stoned

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Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You mu...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience...

...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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Wire brush and Dettol

HRH Anne, the Princess Royal, is visiting the regiment of which she is Colonel-in-Chief and goes on a tour of the base hospital. She sees a patient in one bed and goes over to him, and he turns red and tries to hide beneath the bedspread; but the Princess is having none of this and says to the RSM e...

What does a corn become when it joins the military?

Colonel

Two older ladies from neighborhood are talking to kill some time like usual.

\- My darling, is there something wrong with you? I was wondering if you are sick?

\- Me? I've never been healthier! Why's that?

\- Well you know, I've noticed this doctor coming every morning for several days to visit you...

\- And when the colonel was visiting you was I talkin...

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train.

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticatead 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old—wh...

True Story of Joke Told at Ft Benning, GA

In class 92-1 of Infantry Officer Basic course we were in a large lecture hall in building 4 at Ft. Benning, GA. Desert Storm had just finished less than a year previously and we were one of the first classes of new infantry officers to get a look at all the cool intelligence from Iraq. We were th...

Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a spe...

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snip...

What do you call a really high ranking snack?

A popcorn colonel.

A military airfield, a test of new aircrafts. A special commission is standing and watching.

Suddenly, a huge bomb falls off one plane, which was going to take off, and begins to roll in the direction of the commission. All fall to the ground, except the old colonel. The bomb rolls straight towards him. He stopped it with his foot, without removing the cigarette from his mouth.

...

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In honor of Veterans day I give you this..

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the
General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retri...

Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mou...

Well the war was finally over, and...

A train full of soldiers was headed back from the front. In one carriage, a Colonel and a Corporal sat across from each other, and as the train rolled past a former battlefield, the Colonel sighed and told the Corporal that he'd once led a charge riding a great white stallion in that very spot...at...

Yo mama is so fat that she is voting for Sanders

COLONEL SANDERS

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...

KFC seeks divine intervention.

When I tell this joke, I change it to Colonel Sanders making the pitch and mimic his unique voice.

KFC Pope

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our...

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.

Colonel sounds right to me.

Bad Traffic

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "E...

An IT consultant is fixing KFC's website.

While editing the code, he noticed a line that simply said, "KFC RULES" with improper syntax, which caused the site to crash. When he asked who wrote the code, he was told that Harland Sanders, the founder of KFC, was the one responsible.

The IT guy responded, "That's what I call a Colonel Er...

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An artist is commissioned to create a painting...

portraying Colonel Custer's final thoughts before he died. After 6 months of work, the artist reveals the painting to the museum director.
To the director's dismay, it is a painting of a lake and fish with halos around their heads jumping out of the water. There are also Indians fornicating o...

Chinese and Russian soldier

By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a pa...

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank th...

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