An elderly gentleman goes in for his usual colonoscopy exam....

As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination.

As the doctor was going in, he looked at the patient and smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection."

The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an erection."...

COLONOSCOPY

I was feeling nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy. On a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco. I was convinced that the beautiful nurses were allegedly more gentle and accommodating there.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, ...

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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. ...

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy

What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Dr. Watson say to Sherlock Holmes after his colonoscopy?

No shit Sherlock

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,

Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?

Colonoscopy prep

Doctor visit #2

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, and as I'm getting on in years, the doctor suggested I get a colonoscopy. He says, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, so I'm just letting you know it's totally normal to get an erection during the exam."

I said, "Oh, this isn't my first colon...

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?

The taste.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

Proctologist

A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an erection."

The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an erection."

The doctor says, "I...

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz

I got my colonoscopy results

The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

*Priest at a colonoscopy*

"So that's what it's like.."

I was so nervous for my colonoscopy..

During the procedure, the doctor had both hands on my shoulders.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.

Now I’m in arrears.

The doctors think I might have cancer, and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow afternoon.

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

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Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

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Colonscopy

True story so my dad(60M) had a colonoscopy today and since his father died of colon cancer he decided to tell us he had one and that all was good.

My reply?

That's some good ass news.

Thank you I'll be here all week.

Yo Momma so ugly

She goes to the dentist for a colonoscopy.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?

A colonoscopoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to pay $150 for the bowel prep medication before my colonoscopy.

That shit was expensive.


(Crosspost from r/funny. This fits better here.)

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy

He's pretty ham-fisted

All these guys who claim they were abducted by aliens and anally probed...

Are we sure they didn’t take a hit of lsd before their colonoscopy?

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Mommy, is daddy tall?

Yes dear. He is rather tall.

Is daddy wrecked?

Wrecked? No. What are you talking about honey?

I heard you tell Aunt Sarah that Daddy was getting a "wrecked tall exam". With "Conan Oscar P." Who's that?

No dear. I said dad was getting a "rectal exam", it's called a "col...

If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

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American Hospitals

Where they fuck you in the ass, then explain that $20,000 is the uninsured rate for a phallic colonoscopy

Great news America! The results from President Trump's colonoscopy test are back!

They found his head…

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