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Colonoscopy Jokes

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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. ...

COLONOSCOPY

I was feeling nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy. On a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco. I was convinced that the beautiful nurses were allegedly more gentle and accommodating there.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, ...

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What did Dr. Watson say to Sherlock Holmes after his colonoscopy?

No shit Sherlock

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?

The taste.

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

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Colonoscopy

A guy goes to have a colonoscopy and is dismayed to find out that he can’t have it done because the preparation didn’t clean him out sufficiently.

He gets home, frustrated, and tells his wife he got cancelled because he was too full of shit to do the test.

His wife stares at him for a ...

Which Historical Figure do you not want a colonoscopy from?

Jack the Ripper

An elderly gentleman goes in for his usual colonoscopy exam....

As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination.

As the doctor was going in, he looked at the patient and smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection."

The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an erection."...

I got my colonoscopy last week...

It was like looking at a painting by Jackson Polyp

What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?

How many movements?

What does a colonoscopy look for?

Fartifacts

What is the correct toast to someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

Bottoms up!

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

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A guy comes back home from a colonoscopy

His wife asked him how it went. He said it went okay.
The doctor put his right hand on my shoulder and put his left hand in my ass. Wait no, he put his left hand on my shoulder and his right hand in my ass. Wait, no he put both of his hands on my shoulders and.....
Son of a bitch!!

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

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A man goes in for a colonoscopy...

Doctor starts looking around and says "wow, I can't see shit. I guess you can go."

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,

Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

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Colonoscopy Prep

My girlfriend is going in to get a colonoscopy tomorrow. She wants me to pick up some large Googly-eyes to make her ass look like a face, then she wants to tuck in a post-it note saying “Psssst: we’ve been wanting to talk to you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Never a dull moment here.

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I had to pay $150 for the bowel prep medication before my colonoscopy.

That shit was expensive.


(Crosspost from r/funny. This fits better here.)

Doctor visit #2

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, and as I'm getting on in years, the doctor suggested I get a colonoscopy. He says, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, so I'm just letting you know it's totally normal to get an erection during the exam."

I said, "Oh, this isn't my first colon...

Today I had both colonoscopy and gastroscopy, and in a few hours, well...

I'll see my self out.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.

Now I’m in arrears.

My English professor had a colonoscopy...

Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

What do you call the camera used for colonoscopys?

A GoProbe.

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

If 2020 were a drink, what would it be?

A colonoscopy prep.

Proctologist

A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an erection."

The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an erection."

The doctor says, "I...

I was so nervous for my colonoscopy..

During the procedure, the doctor had both hands on my shoulders.

I asked my proctologist:. What happened to all the patients who had their colonoscopys delayed due to covid.....

He said, "oh we got caught up. Everyone got it in the end".

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How do you call an exploration mission to uranus

Colonoscopy

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You know how people always say words they don’t understand like “the juxtaposition of the blah blah blah”

Well my friend of mine told me his dad was getting a colonoscopy. I asked him “what the fuck is a dad?”

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?

A colonoscopoo.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy

He's pretty ham-fisted

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

I got my colonoscopy results

The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

The doctors think I might have cancer, and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow afternoon.

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

All these guys who claim they were abducted by aliens and anally probed...

Are we sure they didn’t take a hit of lsd before their colonoscopy?

Yo Momma so ugly

She goes to the dentist for a colonoscopy.

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Mommy, is daddy tall?

Yes dear. He is rather tall.

Is daddy wrecked?

Wrecked? No. What are you talking about honey?

I heard you tell Aunt Sarah that Daddy was getting a "wrecked tall exam". With "Conan Oscar P." Who's that?

No dear. I said dad was getting a "rectal exam", it's called a "col...

If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

Asking someone to be my valentine

Asking someone to be my valentine has the same emotional appeal to me, as asking someone to give me a colonoscopy. I let them see parts of me, that I and no one else should ever see, I pay them $200 and never speak to them again
And even worse, a few years later I find out my uncle didn’t even u...

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American Hospitals

Where they fuck you in the ass, then explain that $20,000 is the uninsured rate for a phallic colonoscopy

Great news America! The results from President Trump's colonoscopy test are back!

They found his head…

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