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Tumor Jokes

Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

What did the patient say to the surgeon prodding at his tumor?

Hey, cut it out!

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

My doctor told me I had a Bingo tumor.

He said "Don't worry. It's B-9.".

What did the optimist say when he found out he has a tumor?

"I'm sure it'll grow on me."

What did the doctor say to the woman with seven tumors?

Tumor would benign

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What do you call a Christian tumor?

A catholic mass.




Credit: BWB

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ISIS Warrior, Frog, Doctor

An ISIS Warrior walks into his Doctor's office with a Frog sitting on his head.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks.

"Well as you might have seen, there's a really big tumor on my ass." replied the frog.

I found a tumor in the vending machine.

Don't worry though, it was B9.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Living with a tumor isn't all that bad

It sucks at first, but it'll grow on you

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face.



“Why didn’t you come sooner?” asks the doctor.

“To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house,” the tumor says.

What type of doctor treats tumors and is available 24/7?

An Oncallogist

I don’t know why people are afraid of tumors.

In time, they’ll just grow on you.

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a coup...

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Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers...

B9

I heard Africa has a tumor...

Good news, its Benin!

I used to hate my tumor

But then it grew on me

Have you guys heard the joke about my tumor?

I hated it at first, but it grew on me.

I found a tumor at Bingo last night.

It's okay. It was B9.

I was playing Battleship with my tumor...

I won though, my last hit was B9.

The doctors found a malignant tumor at my checkup the other day...

It's really starting to grow on me

Children are like Tumors...

They cost a lot of money to deal with, but eventually they grow on you.

What do you call someone who removes a tumor in the middle of the night?

An on-call-ogist

What did the tumor say when asked if it could kill its host?

"Yes I can, sir."

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

There's eight of us here

We'll need ten to start the cancer experimental treatment. Let's get tumor people.

You know why didn't they make a Kindergarten Cop sequel?

As it turns out, it actually was a tumor.

If you make jokes about cancer

You completely lack a sense of tumor

A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache

The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.

Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.

Man: I don't want a brain transplant.

Doctor: You must or you'll die.

Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.

Doctor: There's no other trea...

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

My chess board grew a tumor

Thankfully it's B-9

What do you call a doctor who studies tumors on an as-needed basis?

An oncallogist

"Inside you there are two wolves..."

*checks notes

"...sorry I meant tumors," said the oncologist.

I'm tancer free!

I have no sense of tumor

My friend said cancer was nothing to joke about

I found that statement rather tumorous

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Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news.

The patient says, "hit me with the bad news first, doc."

Doctor says, "Well, you have an inoperable brain tumor. I'm sorry."

The patient, now blubbering, asks "What possible good news could you have after something like this?"

At the question, a grin spreads across the doc...

Why did Steve Jobs stop saying "One more thing..."?

He switched to tumor things.

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

I think Sublime would make a great oncology team

They’d smoke two joints before they smoke two joints, and then they’d smoke tumor.

Three drunk guys stumble upon a magic lamp

Inside, there was a Genie who gives each one of them one wish, anything they want to.

The first guy said "Hic-I want a bottle of beer please", and the first guy got a beer

Second guy said "Give me, hic-one more please", and the second guy got a beer

Lastly, third guy said "Give ...

What's worse than one more abnormal growth?

Tumor

My mom loved bingo so much ...

when she got a tumor, it was B-9.

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[Long]A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to pres...

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

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some say bill gates named his company after his penis.

but Steve jobs named his company after the size of his tumor

What did the doctor say to the cancer patient?

You have tumor months to live.

My English professor had a colonoscopy...

Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

An angry cell walks into a bar...

Smoking a cigarette the cell orders a drink.
When the barman turns around the cells were three. "Tumor!"

How I became famous at a hospital during a surgery.

So to give some background information. I was 12 years old at the time and at Emory Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. The reason why was so I could get a tumor out of my eyeball, which was usually a sign of cancer in people in their 50s-60s, not when they are 12. So when I was in the waiting room for my...

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Blonde jokes

1. Why don't blondes like to make kool aid? They can't fit 8 quarters of water in that little package

2. Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm

3. How does a blonde turn on a light after sex? She opens the car door

4. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitch...

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

Rob Ford..too soon?

*Some* people though it would be nice if Rob Ford could be mayor for tumor years.

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Heard this from Jay Leno in Bagram last night.

A man and his wife are in the hospital. The wife has cancer and she is dying. Her hair has fallen out and she is covered in tumors. The wife says to the man, "I'm so sorry I have never given you oral sex" so in her weakened state she proceeds to go down on her husband. They both love it! She con...

Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents

The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.

The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.

And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhon...

My uncle, as an oncologist....

... has a great sense of tumor.

Have you heard about the recent abnormal growth in cancer clinics?

There are tumor down the street.

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A Jewish Guy, a German Guy, and a Black Guy walk into a bar...

The three of them sit down and order a round of drinks. After awhile, they notice this extremely old man sitting at the end of the bar and one of them says "Wow! That man looks so old, he might be Jesus!"

Another guy calls the old man over and says "We want to buy your a beer. You look so old...

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