UPJOKE
cancerleukemiatumourtissuelesionmutationbiopsycystswellingmalignantcellgrowthbenignprostatebrain tumor

What did the patient say to the surgeon prodding at his tumor?

Hey, cut it out!

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

My doctor told me I had a Bingo tumor.

He said "Don't worry. It's B-9.".

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face.



“Why didn’t you come sooner?” asks the doctor.

“To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house,” the tumor says.

I have a brain tumor

They say it's all in my head.

What did the doctor say to the woman with seven tumors?

Tumor would benign

What type of doctor treats tumors and is available 24/7?

An Oncallogist

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

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ISIS Warrior, Frog, Doctor

An ISIS Warrior walks into his Doctor's office with a Frog sitting on his head.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks.

"Well as you might have seen, there's a really big tumor on my ass." replied the frog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

Living with a tumor isn't all that bad

It sucks at first, but it'll grow on you

I found a tumor in the vending machine.

Don't worry though, it was B9.

What do you call someone who removes a tumor in the middle of the night?

An on-call-ogist

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a coup...

I heard Africa has a tumor...

Good news, its Benin!

I used to hate my tumor

But then it grew on me

"Inside you there are two wolves..."

*checks notes

"...sorry I meant tumors," said the oncologist.

Have you guys heard the joke about my tumor?

I hated it at first, but it grew on me.

I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers...

B9

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache

The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.

Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.

Man: I don't want a brain transplant.

Doctor: You must or you'll die.

Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.

Doctor: There's no other trea...

I found a tumor at Bingo last night.

It's okay. It was B9.

I was playing Battleship with my tumor...

I won though, my last hit was B9.

For the longest time I hated tumors....

but they are beginning to grow on me.

What did the tumor say when asked if it could kill its host?

"Yes I can, sir."

The doctors found a malignant tumor at my checkup the other day...

It's really starting to grow on me

I'm tancer free!

I have no sense of tumor

Children are like Tumors...

They cost a lot of money to deal with, but eventually they grow on you.

What do you call a doctor who studies tumors on an as-needed basis?

An oncallogist

My chess board grew a tumor

Thankfully it's B-9

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

You know why didn't they make a Kindergarten Cop sequel?

As it turns out, it actually was a tumor.

I just beat cancer but it came back again

the doctor said it will come back tumor times before we can beat it for good

How I became famous at a hospital during a surgery.

So to give some background information. I was 12 years old at the time and at Emory Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. The reason why was so I could get a tumor out of my eyeball, which was usually a sign of cancer in people in their 50s-60s, not when they are 12. So when I was in the waiting room for my...

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news.

The patient says, "hit me with the bad news first, doc."

Doctor says, "Well, you have an inoperable brain tumor. I'm sorry."

The patient, now blubbering, asks "What possible good news could you have after something like this?"

At the question, a grin spreads across the doc...

A tumor walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “what can I get for you?”

The tumor replies, “I’ll have some Coke.”
“In a can or a bottle?”, says the bartender.
The tumor simply states, “In a can, sir.”

Three drunk guys stumble upon a magic lamp

Inside, there was a Genie who gives each one of them one wish, anything they want to.

The first guy said "Hic-I want a bottle of beer please", and the first guy got a beer

Second guy said "Give me, hic-one more please", and the second guy got a beer

Lastly, third guy said "Give ...

If you make jokes about cancer

You completely lack a sense of tumor

My friend said cancer was nothing to joke about

I found that statement rather tumorous

A father decided to cancel his surgery.

"Don't you want to get rid of that tumor?" His children asked, to which he just shrugged at.

"Its growing on me."

Two more

I mean... Ι appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today, that if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

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Blonde jokes

1. Why don't blondes like to make kool aid? They can't fit 8 quarters of water in that little package

2. Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm

3. How does a blonde turn on a light after sex? She opens the car door

4. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitch...

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[shitty joke incoming] A man just woke up from brain surgery...

Where he got a brain tumor removed. When the doctor asked if he was okay he said he felt light headed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is having terrible headaches

A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doc...

Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents

The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.

The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.

And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish Guy, a German Guy, and a Black Guy walk into a bar...

The three of them sit down and order a round of drinks. After awhile, they notice this extremely old man sitting at the end of the bar and one of them says "Wow! That man looks so old, he might be Jesus!"

Another guy calls the old man over and says "We want to buy your a beer. You look so old...

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some say bill gates named his company after his penis.

but Steve jobs named his company after the size of his tumor

My mom loved bingo so much ...

when she got a tumor, it was B-9.

What did the doctor say to the cancer patient?

You have tumor months to live.

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

Have you seen Kindergaten cop?

It was such a good movie, they could easily make one or tumor.

My English professor had a colonoscopy...

Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

What would you say about someone who li kes to tell cancer jokes?

That he has a sense of tumor



(Courtesy of twitter.com/sorryforthelolz)

My uncle, as an oncologist....

... has a great sense of tumor.

An angry cell walks into a bar...

Smoking a cigarette the cell orders a drink.
When the barman turns around the cells were three. "Tumor!"

Rob Ford..too soon?

*Some* people though it would be nice if Rob Ford could be mayor for tumor years.

Did you hear that the guy who in invented bingo had a recent health scare?

The tumor ended up being B9.

Have you heard about the recent abnormal growth in cancer clinics?

There are tumor down the street.

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