If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy?

Doctor: Den...

What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

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A woman was in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. 

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. 

They went to her husband and explained what ha...

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

A Woman, pregnant with twins, falls down the stairs and is in a coma.

In the hospital she wakes from her coma in a panic to find that she is no longer pregnant. They babies are out of her belly and gone!

A doctor soon enters the room with the frantic woman.

"Take it easy miss. Everything is fine. You were in a coma. But we were able to safely birth your ...

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A middle aged lady had a fall and went into a coma.

While in coma, she had a near death experience in which she spoke to God.

"You've been very kind and generous" said God. "I'll give send you back and give you many more years on earth." Poof! She was sent back and fully recovered.

She decided to get a facelift, a nose job, boob job, an...

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lo...

Found a loophole in veganism

Eating meat from an animal that was in a coma is perfectly vegan because the animal is technically a vegetable.

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

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An old woman is in a coma in a hospital and has been for 6 months...

One day a nurse is giving the comatosed woman her daily sponge bath and when the nurse rubbed the lady on her special place she noticed the heart monitor dramatically spike up indicating the woman might have responded!

The nurse inform the doctors who immediately call the woman's husband to ...

Comas really do make a big difference in sentences. For example :

Joe is in a hurry

Joe is in a coma.

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A man's wife went into a coma

A man's wife went into a coma, and at the hospital the man was discussing the prognosis with their doctor.

Doctor: "There's one way to wake her up, but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and you have oral sex with her. It's an inexpicable phenomenon, but I've seen it work before."...

If I'm ever on life support in an ICU and don't wake up from a coma, please turn the system off.

And then back on and see if that works.

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Buddy’s wife is in coma and doctor wants to try just one more thing before giving up hope...

Doctor calls Buddy and explains that it has been 3 months that wife has been in coma and they’ve tried every conventionally excepted medical procedures in effort to revive her. He asks Buddy to come down to hospital to try an “unconventional - non-medical” procedure. Buddy arrives and the doctor sug...

A guy wakes up from a coma

All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

When my wife gave birth to twins, she went into a coma.

Upon waking up, she heard that her stupid brother named them.
Hearing the girl's name, Denise, she thought it wasn't gonna be so bad.
Then she heard the boy's name.
"DeNephew"

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If my wife falls into a coma I’m going to harvest her vagina yeast to make bread.

I’m going to call it *comatoast.*

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My wife went into a coma

Doctor: "I'm afraid there's only one way to save her"

Husband: " I'm willing to try anything"

Doctor: " the only you can save her is by going in there and having oral sex. I know it doesn't make sense but I've seen it work, trust me. "

Husband: " my god! If there's a chance it c...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brither came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "...

Man falls in a coma in 1956

In 2018

**Man wakes up from a coma in a hospital**

Man-“ What year is it?”

Doctor-“ 2018”

Man-“What has changed?”

Doctor- “People think that the world is flat now”

Man- “Can you put me back in a coma?”

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon ...

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My wife was in a coma.

But then, the doctor who was treating her said, "The only way she'll wake up is through oral sex".

"By God!", I replied disgustedly.

The doctor assured me saying, "I've seen it work."

As a loving and responsible husband I said, "Well, I'm willing to try".
I then warily entere...

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

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A woman is in a coma, and the nurse..

... tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens.
So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries dow...

John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.

"It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt uprigh...

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Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little apreh...

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A man's wife falls into a coma.

For the next ten days, he stays by her bedside, red-eyed and desperate. He reads to her and talks to her the entire time. Then, late one night, without knowing why, he reaches out and grabs her breast. She moans. It's the first sign she's given the entire time.

Excited, the husband runs out i...

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A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

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A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline a...

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst.

So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

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A man's wife falls into a coma

While she's in the hospital, the nurses notice that when they wash the wife's genitals, that her brain activity spikes. They tell the doctor who eventually calls the husband in to talk to him about this phenomenon.

"Sir, we believe we may be able to pull your wife out of this coma, but the tr...

A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program

You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience?

Veggietales.

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said "It is very beautiful over there"

Well tesla said it first anyways.

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NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

I just woke up from a 13month coma

Just in time to see my wife give birth

Coma victim...

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411, 19 in his account.

“Whooo- Hoo! I’m a multi-millionaire!”

He hobbles down the hallway giggling t...

My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try oral to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...

She just kept choking.

What do you call a sauna full of coma patients?

A vegetable steamer.

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A man wakes up from a coma. The nurse says to him, “You were in a terrible accident, and have been in a coma for 3 months. I’m afraid you can’t feel anything from the waist down.”

The man says, “Ok, can I feel your tits?”

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So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . .

And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says,
"I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma."
The husband nods and asks for...

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A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time

As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconvent...

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Three Months In A Coma

A woman in her late 20's had been in a coma for three months after becoming ill. The floor nurse was doing her daily sponge bath when she noticed that the patient began to bite her bottom lip as she got closer to her vagina.

Baffled by this the nurse immediately notified the doctor. The doct...

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

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A mans wife goes into a coma.

After about two weeks of being in a coma a nurse enters her room to give her a sponge bath. As the nurse starts to clean her pelvic region the woman's pulse increases and shows a sign of acknowledgement. Excited, the nurse runs from the room and fetches the head nurse. The head nurse watches as the ...

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My wife came out of her coma and looked at me.

She said, "Your forearms don't look any bigger. You have been *masturbating* while I was comatose, haven't you?"

"Yes," I replied.

She said, "Which hand did you use?"

I said, "Yours."

the protagonist of Wolfenstein went into a coma

Don't worry, when he woke up, everything was alt right.

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Man's wife is in a coma

A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital -signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.

As soon as they real...

If a vampire drinks blood from someone in a coma

Is that considered getting his vegetables?

A man wakes up from a five year coma...

Doctor: Sir you've been out for a long time and I'm afraid I have some terrible news.

Patient: Oh I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo

A woman goes into labor with twins.

She all alone, no husband, but excited to meet her son and daughter. Unfortunately, she has a massive stroke during delivery and falls into a coma*.

She wakes up, miraculously, five years later! She has a million questions: are her babies ok? Who has them? How long has it been?! When she lea...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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An old lady was in a coma...

There was an old lady who fell into a coma and wouldn't wake up. One day when the nurse was giving her a sponge bath she noticed when she got close to her vagina, her hips would move and genitals would twitch. The nurse ran to tell the doctor what had happened. The doctor then called up her husband ...

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

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Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines &...

A pregnant woman got in a car accident and went into a coma.

While in the coma, she gave birth to twins.

4 months later, she woke up asking where her kids were.

The nurse informed her she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and her brother has been taking care of them.

The woman said " Oh no, not my idiot brother, What did he name...

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A man's wife was in a coma.

He waited by her side every day for years.
One day as the nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she started to become more alert and her heart rate increased once she moved the sponge across her vagina.
The nurse came up with a plan and told the husband about the discovery.
"I think you sh...

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A married woman has been in a coma for one month

The doctor at the hospital explains to her husband, "We've tried everything we can think of. Her brain is still functioning, but she just won't wake up. The only thing left to try is..." he trails off.

"What is it, doc? I'll try anything!" the husband says.

"Ok. Well, I've never se...

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

I was in a coma for a year...

Lucky for me somehow r/jokes must have known, and waited with new material till i was back, thank you!

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A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for months....

When she runs the sponge up the woman's thigh the monitor beeps.
The nurse runs to the doctor and tells him this! He comes back, she does it again, and they are both shocked.
So they call the husband in and tell him what has happened.
"I know this is awkward, but we are going to suggest t...

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.

She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."

Getting anxious, the woman asks abo...

A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma...

...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed.

"Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"

The doctor shakes her head. "Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."

"What's the bad news?" the Democrat asks.

"...

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A woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma...

The doctors and nurses do everything to try and help her but no response. They call in her husband to give him the news when a nurse comes running out and pulls the doctor aside. She says; "Doctor while I was giving the woman a sponge bath I washed her vagina and her heart rate and brain activity i...

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

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A man's wife is in a coma.

One day, while visiting her and sitting by her bed, he sees her breasts rising and falling as she breathes. Seeing this gets him a little frisky, so her sees no harm in having a little feel.

So he reaches out, and give her right breast a little squeeze. As he does this, his wife lets out a s...

What did the record holder for the world's longest coma get?

A trophy

Why did the vegan zombie visit the coma ward?

Because it only ate vegetables.