A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

A cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows,

I replied 'Of course, that'll be 20 cows'

So the farmer asks the Dog to round up the Sheep.

So the Dog comes back with 50 Sheep, and the farmer says: "Wait, why did you bring back 50? We only have 48."

So the Dog says: "You asked me to round them up, didn't you?"

I don't need to tell you how to round up the cattle.

You've herd it all before.

How do you round up a bunch of cows?

You gotta flank steak.

What do you call it when you round up 69 sheep?

70 sheep.

Why did Stalin round up all the women in the USSR?

To seize the means of reproduction

Round up.

A farmer was out in the field with his cows, he counted 196 of them but when he rounded them up he had 200.

I think we should round up all the flat earthers, put them on a plane...

And just fly them off the edge of the earth.

I always round up when calculating money.

It just makes more cents.

Trump protester: it's impossible to round up 11 million people and ship them somewhere.

Trump supporter: why are you denying the Holocaust

I'm 5'8.5" and I'm not sure if it would be better to round it up or down on my dating profile

I can round down to 4'20" or round up to 69"

^^^post ^^^unavailable ^^^in ^^^metric

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

This is my all time favorite joke

Old man: I love my job

Young boy: all you do is round up sheep

Old man: what did you say to me?

Young boy: you herd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to Hell for this one

Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.

He hears Hitler say, "So the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Israel; get them all together along...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

I like to play chess with old people in the park.

Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

I was walking down a pathway between fields when a farmer yelled out to me

Farmer: Can you please help me round up these 19 sheep?

Me: Sure, you have 20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws

They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die.


"Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"


Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run f...

Why are cowboys bad at being accountants?

Because they always round up.

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer.

After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his dog

A farmer and his dog were hanging around when he told his dog "go round up those 35 sheep!"

The dog did as asked and gathered up all of the sheep for his farmer, however, he missed a few! He only came back with 30...

The farmer was infuriated so he sent his dog to dog school.

A ...

A farmer said to his friend, 'I love my job'

The friend, unimpressed, replied 'Why, all you do is round up sheep!'


'What did you just say to me?!'


'You herd'

A shepherd and his dog

In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.

The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.

After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rou...

What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?

Woody's round up.

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