Beers Jokes - 45 Hilarious Beers Jokes

So I was out having beers with the boys the other day . . .

The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"

I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.

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A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Do you drink beer?

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

W...

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused ...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all.

He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion.

On his third round, the ...

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

A software tester walks into a bar

runs into a bar

hops into a bar

skips into a bar

jumps into a bar.

He orders:

* a beer
* a beet
* a bear
* a bier
* a deer
* a bee
* 2 beers
* 3 beers
* 65535 beers
* π beers
* -1 beers
* 0 beers
* O beers
* NULL beers

...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all...

After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender...

How does a carpenter order 5 beers?

With 2 hands.

(I hope this common Swiss Joke/Proverb didn't got posted a lot here)

A man is having a few beers in a bar

and finally decides to call it a night. He calls the bartender over to settle his bill and the bartender says, "I'll cut your tab in half if you give that guy over there a ride home. He can't drive but he lives near here and you'd be doing me a big favor." The man says sure, no problem and gets the ...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he'd sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

"Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were t...

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[NSFW] 3 Ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Tom." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Tom! How's your day been?" Tom replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn't ask for a better day!" The bartender congra...

π mathematicians walk into a bar and order beers.

The bartender says "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're clearly irrational."

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

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Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb their wives are.

Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend $15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can't even cook.

Guy 2: That's nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new $50,000 car and she can't even drive yet.

Guy 3: My wife is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of condoms to take on a bus...

A Roman walks into a bar

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers please."

Beer convention

There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companes are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink.

The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and...

After couple beers, a man at a bar is chatting with the bartender.

"So, how many kegs of beer do you go through in a week?", he asks.

"About twenty," says the bartender.

"I've got a tip that could bring that up to twenty five, if you're interested."

"Absolutely!", says the bartender.

The man looks the bartender in the eyes and sa...

A cowboy with three beers

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.

The bartender pours them for him. He then takes equal sips from each beer and proceeds to do so until all glasses are empty. He pays and leaves. He does this every day for a week before the bartender decides to ask what that's all about.

"Why do you come in and order three beers, and then tak...

A surgeon and a caretaker had some beers and say goodbye.

Take care!

Oh, cut it out!

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An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...

The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".

The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"

Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

Three beers

A man walks into a local bar. He's new in town, since the barkeeper knows everyone else there. The man sits down at a small table. The barkeeper approaches him and asks what he wants to order. He says "I'll have three beers please." The barkeeper says that he could bring them one after another but t...

The Irishman and the three beers.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers ...

Once upon a time, Joe goes to Europe.

One day, he walks into a bar and orders three beers from the bartender and drinks all of them. After repeating this a few times, the bartender becomes curious and asks,
"Excuse me, why do you always drink three beers at once?"

Joe responds, "My brothers, Mike and Bob, and I are triplet...

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

How many beers does it take to get a German scientist drunk?

_Ein_ stein.

Were do dogs go to get beers?

The pup

There are 24 hours in a day... and 24 beers in my fridge. Coincidence?

No, I'm just an alcoholic.

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?

‘What’s that?’, he asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

As his mind began to embrace the i...

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

Beers for everyone !!

A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender. "
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him ...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

The same guy walks into a bar, orders three beers, sits down and drinks his beers, before leaving quietly... This happens every day for months

One day when the man walks in and orders his three beers, a bartender decides to ask the man "Wouldn't you rather have your beers one by one to keep the other two cold? To which the man answers "No. I'm ordering three beers because I have two brothers and this way it feels like we're drinking togeth...

Bar tender said the beers were on the house.

So why didn't he give me a ladder?

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