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Cocain Jokes

My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Just watched an interesting documentary on cocaine...

Going to watch all documentaries this way now!

What is difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny.

But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort.

Cocaine is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

Cocaine isn't addictive

I've been doing it for 5 years i would know

What's the difference between powdered sugar and cocain?

Exaclty, said Rasputin.

I'm going as Cocaine for Halloween.

That way someone will do me in the bathroom.

"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

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What do you call a donkey on cocaine?

An Ass Crack

If a cop finds cocaine in a women's bra

Is that a Drug Bust?

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

I don’t like cocaine

But I do like the way it smells

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

The issue with Cocaine is...

...that its EXACTLY what its cracked up to be

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

There’s a new “Door Dash” type service for cocaine.

It’s called “Insta Gram.”

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

What did Cocaine say when Morphine asked him out?

It sedate

Caffeine is just tamer cocaine

I guess you could call it diet coke

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

I absolutely hate and detest Cocaine...

But for some reason I love the smell of it.

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once

... for about 12 years

My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

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Why does cocaine help toddlers stop shitting their beds?

Because children should be Sheen and not Heard

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

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What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

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How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison?

a buttload.

I heard this great joke about cocaine

It was so funny that I snorted a little.

What do you call the prophet with a cocaine addiction?

Nostril-Damus

Why is cocaine the alt-right's favorite drug?

White powder!

Cocaine

It always cracks me up

What do you call an intelligent cocaine?

A wise-crack.
And a cocaine who makes a lot of jokes?
A wisecracking wise-crack.

I have never done cocaine

but it smells amazing!

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

Cocaine's a joke!

(Who's got the next line?)

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

Why did the cocaine dealer retire?

He decided to stop putting his business into other peoples' noses.

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

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A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

I got a part in a movie called Cocaine.

I only have the one line.

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

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What do coffee and cocaine have in common?

After having some good, you're gonna need to shit.

I have no problem with cocaine.

I've quit it 146 times.

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

It's not selling cocaine...

If they only pay for delivery

I’ve only done cocaine two times in my life..

..once for 2 years, and once for 5 years.

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

Cocaine in school

One of the teachers at my local school for obese children, was fired today. He was fired for doing cocaine before going to work. He was ratted out by his large pupils.

What do ya call a truck carrying cocaine?

A pickup line

I tried rock cocaine today.

It wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

Why can you find cocaine in every town and city?

It’s federally distributed.

I don’t think I could ever do cocaine

I just think it smells weird

How do whales do cocaine

In there blow holes

What do you get when you snort a mix of cocaine and speed?

Speed bumps

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

Drugs are not that bad But when it comes to cocaine

We’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

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What’s the difference between a woman and cocaine?

How sleepy you feel after a blowjob.

A comedian who starts doing cocaine...

...becomes twice as good with one-liners.

Did you hear about the narcotics raid where police found 44 pounds of cocaine in a sculpture of Abraham Lincolns head?

It was a giant drug bust.

I was so sad when I heard Whitney Houston overdosed on cocaine

AND DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEIIIIIIIIIIEED

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What is cocaine mixed with semen called?

A coconut

They arrested Bob the barber for selling cocaine!

I've been his faithful customer for 5 years and I don't even know he's a barber!

If you say my cocaine..

It's just Michael Caine saying his own name

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I was fucking worried when my son overdosed on cocaine.

But thankfully he hadn't used any of my stuff.

Never do cocaine with an optician...

The first line is quite big, but then the lines get smaller and smaller and smaller...

I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

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I hate that I regularly snort cocaine...

I'm not even addicted, it just smells so fucking good.

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A recent scam has popped up involving a prostitute, a bit of cocaine and a kitchen appliance

People have been falling for it, hooker, line and sink.

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