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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

I used to be a heavy drinker

Then I lost weight.

Messy drinker

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

A customer walks up to a barista at Starbucks

They are not a huge coffee drinker so they ask the barista “what’s your mildest roast?” The barista thinks about it for a moment and says “you have mediocre ears.”

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just sh...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and...

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I don't have a drinking problem. I am a social drinker.

If someone says "I think I'll have a drink." I say, "Social I!"

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Be...

Old man Harvey was a drinker

He would drink everyday, stumble home each night and vomit in the sink. Mrs. Harvey was tired of finding and cleaning puke in the sink every morning and was telling her neighbor about it.

Her neighbor told her to catch one of the stray cats from around the house and kill it, then put the gut...

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

A man walking into a bar and says, "I'll have ten times more beers than your next biggest drinker"

The bartender replied, "Now that's an order of magnitude!"

Did you know Jesus is a drinker?

He was so hammered one time, he woke up 3 days later inside a cave

What do you call two beer drinkers arguing about sea turtles?

Lager-heads at loggerheads about Loggerheads.

Mom and Dad

My mom and dad are fighting again. My mom yelled, “Have you been drinking again? You promised me to try to be a different man!!”

My dad always has a witty reply. He said, “I am trying, but the other man is a drinker too.”

I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink when I’m home alone...

I’m just an anti-social drinker

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drinker

A man sensitive to light walks out of a bar

He quickly rushes back in.

The bartender smirks, "I misjudged you. You must be a heavy drinker."

Irish drinking

A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishm...

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My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He is not a drinker, just shitty at crosswords.

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?

A cough-y drinker.

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another dri...

A guy drank some magic beer

A man sat alone at the bar of a rooftop club. Soon another man sat beside him and asked him what he was drinking.

"Magic beer." the man said.

"What do you mean by magic beer?" the new arrival asked.

The magic beer drinker took 2 gulps of beer and jumped off the building....

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

A man goes hiking

He brings with him a backpack with a water pouch for easy hydration and, as a back-up, a metal straw that had a filter so he could drink from any body of water he wanted.


After a couple of hours he realizes that he is already out of water. Being the conservative drinker he was, he figured...

I've been meeting up with a group of alcoholics who want to get better.

We've found we're much better drinkers when we're all doing it together.

(Dark humor) Don't drink and drive

John Baker was 17 and hot headed. An underage drinkers and a hardcore partier, his parents were always furious with him for this. They tried keeping him from going out, but nothing seemed to work. The last straw was when John got caught driving drunk. The car was a wreck, and John was in even worse ...

If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapes...

A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a pro...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."

The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says,...

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"

Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"

The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?


The bartender.

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A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.

He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the co...

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Flies in a Bar

3 Guys walk into bar swarming with flies.

The first is a social drinker, drinks pretty rarely and doesn't get drunk.

The second is a regular drinker, however still manages a good life.

The third is an alcoholic...

While the three men are drinking their beers, a swarm of f...

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Jackass

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hollers at the bartender "Hey Jackass...gimme a beer!"
The bartender obliges without comment.
After the patron downs his beer he hollers at the bartender again "Hey Jackass...gimme another beer".
Again, the bartender gets the guy another beer and say...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 15 shots...

He proceeds to drink them in 15 minutes and then leave. He returns the next night and repeats the procedure, 15 shots in 15 minutes. This goes on for 3 solid months. It gets to the point that the bartender starts setting up the 15 drinks before the guy even arrives.

One night, the guy walks i...

When people say they're a foodie it's no big deal..

but when people find I'm a drinker they're all "stop the car" and "we're calling the police".

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