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(sorry if this is a repost) what is the sound of one hand clapping? Masturbating

Sorry if theres a issue with this joke it is my first post on this subreddit

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

Sacrifice

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to decide which person would make the ultimate sacrifice until the ...

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people can appreciate public displays of affection.

What do you call Bill Clinton's VP programmatically tapping his foot and clapping his hands?

Algorithm

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A performer finishes their act and gets a standing ovation.

Everyone in the theatre is clapping. Except one guy. He's just standing there with his arms folded.

Later that evening, the perturbed performer finds the man in the lobby and confronts him about his standing no-vation.

"You are mistaken, I was indeed clapping. When I see brilliance, ...

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"

The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

Take off Your Clothes And Get to Work

A Indian Man runs into his office, wearing only a hat and carrying a briefcase. His boss stops him and says, "What are you doing, man? Do you realize you're naked? Shouldn't this be your day off?"


He calmly explains that he was on a party when suddenly the lights went out. Some voice sa...

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

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