Whoops, almost forgot to bring my llamas

Alpaca pair

blondes vs brunette

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and ha...

“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

I woke up and realized I was missing my pesin.

Whoops. I suffer from lesdyxia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's one I'm sure you'll get:

Sex

Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Whoops.. No Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

I don't always whoop. But when I do...

there it is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?

Whoops, my fault.

How do you say "whoops" in German?

World War 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde comes home from school munching on a candy bar...

Her mom asks her where she got it.

"I got it from Johnny! All I had to do was climb the flag pole at school!" she says.

"Oh, Jenny! You're such a dumb-ass. He was just trying to look up your skirt and see your panties!"

"Whoops!" Jenny says.

The next day she comes home,...

I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

Im giving up drinking for a year

Whoops, that came out wrong

Im giving up, drinking for a year.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

A calculus joke:

A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember running from a fight in the 5th grade. My grandma said "either you fight him, or you fight me"

I whoopped her ass that day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."

"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Run up and down to keep warm," the L...

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

McDonald's drive thru

So I was in the McDonald’s drive through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and started shouting at me because I was taking to long to order. Wow. (Some people need Patience).

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because...

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.

After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.

He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally bein...

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

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The Sex Professor

A professor gave a lecture to a room of university students, entitled "The Correlation Between Sex and Happiness".

He was determined to try out his theory with a simple test, and so asked any students who had sex once a week to stand up. Those who did laughed sheepishly or giggled, and the p...

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

My girlfriend asked me "if I was a vegetable, what would I be"?

Apparently the answer she was looking for was "a Cute cumber", not "single"...whoops

Re

Whoops, look like I got caught Re-posting...

What do you get an anti-vax kid for their 5th birthday?

A whooping-coffin

TIL you can lose your job as a dominatrix by whipping the wrong guy.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

V

V.

Whoops, lost ctrl.

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.

Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"

TIFU by accidentally walking out with the footlong BLT of the guy ahead of me in line

Whoops, wrong sub

What I say when I stop playing VR and I knock over a Blu-ray of a 2013 Sandra Bullock movie

back to reality whoop there goes gravity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by getting too drunk at my husband's work party and sucking his Asian friend's cock.

Whoops, wrong stub.

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to t...

TIL that 1/100 people have undiagnosed dyslexia

Whoops, wrong bus.

TIL that Nikola Tesla threw the bomb that killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand, sparking WWI...

Whoops, wrong Serb.

LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

I took the number 25 instead of the 52 today thanks to my dyslexia

Whoops, wrong bus

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long

Whoops wrong sub

Edit: Apparently this is the original version of the joke https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/

Girls that like me

*edit: Whoops, looks like I put the joke in title. My bad.

Did you hear the joke about that terrible high security prison?

Whoops, sorry, it escaped me.

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

My vacuum cleaner recently had babies

Oh whoops, I meant my dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone yo...

TIL that a class was taught by the wrong stand in teacher and the students knowingly went along with it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL that you can be kicked out of Subway for taking a bite out of someone else's food.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU by getting on the normal bus instead of the dyslexic one

Whoops, wrong bus.

TIFU by watching Anime on a non-English website

Whoops, wrong dub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The one-armed golfer

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf so one day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.



He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was st...

Restaurant contest

Last weekend I went to one of those restaurants where you can see into the kitchen, it was at that weird time between lunch and dinner and the place was quite empty. I could see there was some kind of contest going on between some of the staff.

First I saw one of the waitresses hold up an inc...

Jokes in Jail

A man arrives at a prison to begin serving his sentence. As he enters the cellblock he hears "246!" followed by loud laughter. Weird but it's jail, whatever.

The next day he's grabbing lunch and hears "75!". Again whoops and people cracking up. The prisoner sits down next to an old-timer and ...

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

If you ever trip in public...

...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

TIFU when my dyslexia made me take the wrong ride to work

Whoops, wrong bus

[x-post from r/dyslexia] Today I misread 63 as 68 so it took me twice as long to get home with the public transport

Whoops, wrong bus

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