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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

NSFW Guy is in the front row at the strip club.

NSFW

He’s quietly drinking and tipping the dancers when a particularly beautiful girl comes out and begins a sensual strip tease. The guy behind him immediately starts whooping and calling out, “yeah baby! take it off! Take it off!! woo hoo!”

As she gets completely naked and leaves the...

Whoops, almost forgot to bring my llamas

Alpaca pair

Just had a quickie in the back of a UPS truck

Oh whoops... They prefer the term "expedited package delivery"

“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

I don't always whoop. But when I do...

there it is...

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Whoops.. No Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

How do you say "whoops" in German?

World War 2

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Im giving up drinking for a year

Whoops, that came out wrong

Im giving up, drinking for a year.

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A blonde comes home from school munching on a candy bar...

Her mom asks her where she got it.

"I got it from Johnny! All I had to do was climb the flag pole at school!" she says.

"Oh, Jenny! You're such a dumb-ass. He was just trying to look up your skirt and see your panties!"

"Whoops!" Jenny says.

The next day she comes home,...

What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?

Whoops, my fault.

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

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When I was in 5th grade..

..I ran from a fight. My Grandma said "You fight back or you fight me!"

I whooped her ass that day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

The DJ accidently turned the bass down low.

Whoops, that was a lot of treble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sex Professor

A professor gave a lecture to a room of university students, entitled "The Correlation Between Sex and Happiness".

He was determined to try out his theory with a simple test, and so asked any students who had sex once a week to stand up. Those who did laughed sheepishly or giggled, and the p...

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

A calculus joke:

A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.

After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.

He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally bein...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."

"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Run up and down to keep warm," the L...

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes...

reserve a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blond...

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McDonald's drive thru

So I was in the McDonald’s drive through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and started shouting at me because I was taking to long to order. Wow. (Some people need Patience).

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.

Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

Re

Whoops, look like I got caught Re-posting...

TIL you can lose your job as a dominatrix by whipping the wrong guy.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson are drinking in a bar

It's the final day of filming on Jumanji, and Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson have gone to a bar to celebrate.

The big ex-wrestler figures his diminutive colleague won't be able to keep up with him in the drinking stakes, so is surprised to find that when last orders are called, Hart has kept p...

What do you get an anti-vax kid for their 5th birthday?

A whooping-coffin

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

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It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

My girlfriend asked me "if I was a vegetable, what would I be"?

Apparently the answer she was looking for was "a Cute cumber", not "single"...whoops

V

V.

Whoops, lost ctrl.

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A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to t...

TIFU by accidentally walking out with the footlong BLT of the guy ahead of me in line

Whoops, wrong sub

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long

Whoops wrong sub

Edit: Apparently this is the original version of the joke https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

TIL that Nikola Tesla threw the bomb that killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand, sparking WWI...

Whoops, wrong Serb.

I took the number 25 instead of the 52 today thanks to my dyslexia

Whoops, wrong bus

What I say when I stop playing VR and I knock over a Blu-ray of a 2013 Sandra Bullock movie

back to reality whoop there goes gravity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone yo...

Girls that like me

*edit: Whoops, looks like I put the joke in title. My bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by getting too drunk at my husband's work party and sucking his Asian friend's cock.

Whoops, wrong stub.

TIL that a class was taught by the wrong stand in teacher and the students knowingly went along with it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIFU by getting on the normal bus instead of the dyslexic one

Whoops, wrong bus.

TIL that you can be kicked out of Subway for taking a bite out of someone else's food.

Whoops, wrong sub.

My vacuum cleaner recently had babies

Oh whoops, I meant my dog

Did you hear the joke about that terrible high security prison?

Whoops, sorry, it escaped me.

If you ever trip in public...

...get up, laugh a little, and say, "Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body."

TIFU by watching Anime on a non-English website

Whoops, wrong dub

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The one-armed golfer

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf so one day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.



He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was st...

Restaurant contest

Last weekend I went to one of those restaurants where you can see into the kitchen, it was at that weird time between lunch and dinner and the place was quite empty. I could see there was some kind of contest going on between some of the staff.

First I saw one of the waitresses hold up an inc...

TIFU when my dyslexia made me take the wrong ride to work

Whoops, wrong bus

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