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Std Jokes

What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules

(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)

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What do you call it when you get a mysterious STD on your dick?

A real head scratcher

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids


(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

I got my STD test back today, It says "50". Should I be worried?

On the Bright side, My IQ test came positive.

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

What does the software developer say when he gives someone an STD?

Uh-oh, I deployed a bug.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

What STD did SpongeBob Squarepants get?

Clam-mydia.

Which STD is transmitted through sound?

Hearing aids

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A new STD I had never heard about

Bobby and Ginger were making passionate love in Bobby’s mini van when suddenly Ginger, not at all shy, yelled out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''

Bobby, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the win...

Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was allergic to wool.

What do you call an STD from Lord of The Rings?

Gondorrhea

I carry tissues around with me so I never get an STD

I always have kleenexes

What’s the most common STD in Harry Potter?

Hog Warts

I'm starting a mail order bride service featuring women from around the world who have an STD.

Amnasty International.

At least I know I can't get an STD from my ex!

It was a KleenEX

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What do you call Alfred Hitchcock with an STD?

Alfred Itchcock

What kind of STD can you get from a mermaid?

Seaphilis.

What STD do Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica all share?

The *clap clap clap clap clap.*

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How do you tell if someone has an std?

Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.

A board game wherein players have to figure out who gave them an STD.

New from Johnson & Johnson: Clue-midia.

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How do I get rid off my STD?

I've tried fucking everything.

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What kind of STD can you get from watching Porn?

Visual AIDS!

What do you call the guy who gave Freddie Mercury an std

He’s a killer queen

I just found out I gave my girlfriend an STD

She’s pretty crabby.

Did you know you actually can get an STD from a toilet seat?

It can happen if you sit down before the guy before you gets up

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

My boyfriend just told me he has an STD...

Looks like I'm *gonorrhea*valuate this relationship.

What was the most rampant STD in the crocodile community in the 1980s? (NSFW)

GatorAIDS.

What did the lime say when he caught a STD

I got lemonaids

If coronavirus was an STD

... would Reddit even know it existed?

What STD did Thanos give the Avengers?

Goneorrhea.

As the doctor conducting your STD tests..

I want to congratulate you on your positive results!

Which STD is transmitted through sound...

The clap.

Yes this joke was just posted but I think my punchline is better.

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A kid trying to catch an STD

The police pick up a young kid at 2 am, in the red light district and ask him what he's doing

"Looking for a prostitute" "Why do you want to find a prostitute?" "So I can catch an STD!" "Why would you want to do that?"

"Well, if I can catch something, I'll sleep with my nanny and she'l...

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

What is the world's longest lasting STD?

Children

I gave my girlfriend an STD and I’m devastated

If I transmitted it to her, then why do I still have it?!

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How do you call Samuel L. Jackson with a STD?

Laurence Piss-burne.

For the lady who was interested in the STD vaccine, we have it.

May she speak now or forever hold herpes

What do you call an STD that gives you an unstoppable compulsion to push a boulder up a hill?

Sisyphusilis

What do you call an STD that loves makeup?

Glamydia

What is the worst STD of all?

Parenthood

What did woody say when he got std’s?

“Someone poisoned the water hole’

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With all the STD’s out here, I’m scared to even have phone sex.

Fuck around and I might get hearing aids.

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I don't know what STD causes blurry genitals...

But Japan seems to have an epidemic of it.

reddit gold is a lot like an STD...

You get it from a random stranger and usually it's quite unexpected.

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Hear about the new book that teaches both reading and STD prevention?

It's called See Dick Run.

Wanna Hear A Joke About STD’s?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

My boyfriend gave me an STD

But I don't want to break up with him because what am gonorrheally do about it?

I just found out my girlfriend has an STD but she wants to keep it, how do I change her mind?

Please Reddit, I really don't want a kid

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Did you hear about the guy who caught a STD after having sex with a velociraptor?

He’s got dino-sores.

I asked my girlfriend what her favourite STD was.

She laughed and said, "Well, I don't have one."

"Trust me," I replied, "you do."

What did the doctor give the Asari with an STD?

Anti-biotics

Donald Trump admitted today that he contracted an STD.

He has hairpiece.

Toilet seats can give you STD's...

...If you sit down before the person stands up

What STD can you get from spilling soda on your crotch?

Pep C

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

My friend's wellness teacher asked him in freshman year what the most common STD in the world was...

Apparently, pregnancy was the wrong answer.

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An American man catches an STD while traveling through Asia

After having quite the sexual romp he starts to notice discomfort and discoloration around his groin. Afraid for the loss of his manhood he seeks out an American doctor out there for help.

The doctor looks him over and says "I'm sorry, it's going to need to be removed, it's too far gone"
<...

Getting an STD is like downloading a virus...

...but getting married is like downloading ransomware.

I got an STD from a Canadian woman

Hepatitis eh.

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A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis... ...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"..and we play this reaction game called "Oof!" when we all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music pl...

Two rednecks join the army, after a couple of years they both are higher up in the ranks

Jim-bob "hey huck, we got to go to that STD talk later", huck "No we dont", jim-bob "why not ?", huck " because them STD's only affects the privates"

A guy is speeding and gets pulled over by a cop...

The cop asks him his name and he replies, “Fred.”
The cop then asks him his last name.
Fred says he doesn’t have a last name.
The cop replies, “How do you not have a last name?”
Fred says, “I lost it.”
The cop says, “How did you lose your last name?”

Fred replies, “Well, when...

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I thought I had an std because my eyes started burning every time I had sex.

Then I realized it was just the mace.

What's the difference between a leprechaun and a hooker with 5 STD's?

Well one of them is a cunning runt.

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hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD,

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, w...

I thought I had an STD once...

turned out it was just carpal tunnel.

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

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$10 dollar prostitute

This guys hooks with a $10 prostitute and the next day he starts getting itchy and realizes the hooker gave him an STD....anyway a couple days later he sees her on the corner and yells "BITCH YOU GAVE ME CRABS!..she yells back "WTF WERE YOU EXPECTING FOR TEN DOLLARS? A LOBSTER?"

A reminder to all people with allergies at this time of year

Technically pollen is plant sperm.

So you don't have allergies you have an STD you got from a plant.

I heard you were looking for a stud?

I’ve got the STD, all I need is u

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What STD does a hip black man get?

Kool-AIDs

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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