I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!"

A vowel movement.

I'll see myself out.

My dad’s favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings.If . . .

they only knew its me putting my socks on!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple are having sex

A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.

"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.

He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” I nodded and groaned, "I understand."

So I felt her breasts…

If this doesn't make you groan I don't know what will...

With 2nd lockdown looming in the UK, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying

Where are all groan-worthy jokes stored?

In the dad-a-base!

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.
“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft gr...

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

You’re liking my dad’s “groan”joke. So here’s another. (Much worse)

An adventurer was out in the jungle when he came upon Tarzan. He was painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.
Although curious, the explorer returned home.
A year later he came back.
Again he finds Tarzan in the jungle. He’s painting white stripes on blac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

The bear was grunting and groaning trying to do his business. This agitated the rabbit who did his business quietly.

After the bear was done grunting and groaning, he looked to the rabbit.

The rabbit, feeling uncomfortable, looked back at the bear and sharply asked, "what?"

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

Joke my wife groaned at while shopping together

Me: what do you want to look for in this store?

W: a cardigan

Me: you looked for a card already?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After incorrectly inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of my wife from behind me.

This voodoo doll is fucking amazing!

Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV?

Jar Jar Binks

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

“Hey, bug on my back,” asked a fly. “Are you a mite?”

“I mite be,” giggled the mite.

The fly groaned. “That’s the worst joke I’ve ever heard!”

“Well, what did you expect?” said the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”

The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well." Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now." Menacingly, the Sun roared...

“It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"

I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!"

Why do houses creak and groan as they settle?

They lack proper lumber support ...

What skill requires 90 percent arm strength and 10 percent groan noises

Tennis

The nurse

A man walks into a bar, ends up getting into a horrible bar fight and is lying on the floor injured. "Don't worry," says the bartender, a Red Cross nurse is in the building and is coming to help you.' "Oh no," groans the victim, "couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold ...

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A dude is sitting in a public restroom stall, groaning and suffering from constipation...

when he hears another dude rush into another stall, followed by some very loud unloading.

"I'm so jealous of you" said the first dude. The other dude answers,

"Fuck you I haven't pulled down my pants yet."

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An ironing board.

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

What do you call someone who develops cutlery

A cutting edge technologist *cue groans*

Always makes me groan

This is a favorite of my dad he always likes to bring it up I'm sure some of you have heard it before.
A single man in his 30's moves from the big city out into the country. He likes the area, the scenery, and mainly the solitude. He only has one neighbor in close proximity, and soon after he arr...

I ordered a soda and it started groaning in an eerie voice...

When I asked the cashier what was up with my large coke she said "Oh sorry, I thought you ordered a medium."

What do you call a groan-inducing, kindergarten-level pun?

Top post on /r/Jokes.

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast

1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon?
A. A Dino-sour

2.Q. Were do robots go to worship?
A. Mech-a

A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer..

You're really irrigating me

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

Dad jokes are so wholesome because ...

they're home-groan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

I always wait for my Dad jokes to mature.

That way they’re full groan.

A Man Lay Sprawled . . .

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater. When an usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir" he said, "if you don't get up from there I'm go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I don’t know, but...”

Joe walks into a bathroom. He walks up to a urinal and unzips his pants when he hears “Psst.. buddy. Can you help a guy out?” Joe looks over and sees a man standing a couple urinals down. “Uh.. what?” inquires Joe. “Buddy, I need help unzipping my fly,” responds the man, who upon saying so nods his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masochist, a sadist, and a redditor walk into a bar...

The masochist gets excited and walks into it again.
The sadist grins and sits back to watch.
The redditor groans in pain, wondering who put it there and writes a better joke in the comments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

Science/Engineering joke from my lab today

So today I was in fluids lab and our lab was about surface tension. As part of that, we were supposed to estimate the angle of a meniscus of water in a tube, so one guy was doing the angle estimation, I was measuring something else and the other guy was recording data. Anyway, I asked the guy who wa...

Did you know people who live in Villas are really bad people?

Kids: Huh?

Me: What you call people who live in America?

Kids: Americans

Me: In India?

Kids: Indians

Me: Villa?

Kids: <Groan> <Eye Roll> Daaaaaad !

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth....in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end…

...her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room!

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.


The do...

When I post a joke on my ten year cake day, it automatically becomes a dad joke.

It's become full groan...

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

A joke becomes a Dad joke...

when it's fully groan.

White and Wong

One Sunday, back in 2005/2006, as i was reading the comics from the local paper, i was trying to remember the name of one of the actors from Law and Order: SVU. For the life of me i couldn't remember his name. My grandpa, being a smart-ass, gave me a hint by saying A.C. White. I thought about it for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

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