My dad’s favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by ...

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What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!"

A vowel movement.

I'll see myself out.

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

Dad jokes are so wholesome because ...

they're home-groan!

Joke my wife groaned at while shopping together

Me: what do you want to look for in this store?

W: a cardigan

Me: you looked for a card already?

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At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

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After incorrectly inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of my wife from behind me.

This voodoo doll is fucking amazing!

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

Four men are in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

You’re liking my dad’s “groan”joke. So here’s another. (Much worse)

An adventurer was out in the jungle when he came upon Tarzan. He was painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.
Although curious, the explorer returned home.
A year later he came back.
Again he finds Tarzan in the jungle. He’s painting white stripes on blac...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled. The angel ...

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Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

A burglar is breaking into a house when a voice quietly says: "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar gives a groan and looks around himself.

He sees a parrot in a cage, to whom the thief asks, "And what's your name?

"Moses", answers the parrot.

The burglar gives a smile at that. "What jackass calls his parrot Moses?" he asks.

To which the parrot replies: "The...

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well." Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now." Menacingly, the Sun roared...

“It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"

I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!"

Why do houses creak and groan as they settle?

They lack proper lumber support ...

when does a joke become a dad joke? (this, of course, from my dad)

when it's full groan, of course!

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

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Husband in bed.

Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, “Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my boobs sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!”

Husband: “Well, at least your eyesight is okay!”

Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV?

Jar Jar Binks

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

What skill requires 90 percent arm strength and 10 percent groan noises

Tennis

What's the difference between juvenile humor and a dad joke?

A dad joke is full-groan.

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Settling The Ultimate Debate (LONG, OC)

Jerry didn't really like his name, but it could have been much worse. He could have been named after his father Zorelle. Jerry had a dyslexic brother named Dave who worshipped Christopher Reeve and loved quoting the old Superman movies.

One day while in quarantine, Jerry was up early browsin...

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

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A dude is sitting in a public restroom stall, groaning and suffering from constipation...

when he hears another dude rush into another stall, followed by some very loud unloading.

"I'm so jealous of you" said the first dude. The other dude answers,

"Fuck you I haven't pulled down my pants yet."

I ordered a soda and it started groaning in an eerie voice...

When I asked the cashier what was up with my large coke she said "Oh sorry, I thought you ordered a medium."

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

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Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold ...

Axl Rose, Bon Jovi, and Stevie Wonder are invited to an exclusive party for musicians. The bartenders have been said to be an “exciting surprise”.

So Axl, Bon and Stevie visit out of curiosity. They sit at the bar and grab the bartender’s attentions. They swing by, and reveal themselves as the members of Survivor: Dave Bickler, Jim Peterik, and Frankie Sullivan. Axl, Bon, and Stevie groan as they expected someone with more credentials.

...

A young man is looking for a fast car.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls ...

A man walked into a tuxedo store...

A man walked into a tuxedo store, looking to buy a suit for an upcoming party. A saleswoman walked over to assist him.

“Hello sir, how may I help you?” she asked.

“I’m looking for a tuxedo,” he replied.

The saleswoman then brought over a few suits to offer to the man.

“H...

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

Always makes me groan

This is a favorite of my dad he always likes to bring it up I'm sure some of you have heard it before.
A single man in his 30's moves from the big city out into the country. He likes the area, the scenery, and mainly the solitude. He only has one neighbor in close proximity, and soon after he arr...

What do you call a groan-inducing, kindergarten-level pun?

Top post on /r/Jokes.

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast

1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon?
A. A Dino-sour

2.Q. Were do robots go to worship?
A. Mech-a

A farmer walks onto a field, shovel in hand and starts digging long canals. The field groans and says to the farmer..

You're really irrigating me

My wife told me to stop making awful dad jokes.

I told her that she can’t stop me. I’m a groan man.

Five Redditors are walking in a forest...

Five redditors are walking in a forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like ...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

A guy walks into a bar

Later, he orders a beer, while groaning like he's hurt. A lady next to him notices this, and asks: "Sir, are you okay? You sound like you're in pain..."

He answered: "Yes I am in pain. I just walked face first into a bar!"

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

A bee is driving along the highway and sees a grasshopper looking for a lift

He pulls over to pick him up. After a 100km the car sputters and comes to stop. The bee looks at the fuel gauge, groans, and gets out and proceeds to pee into the fuel tank, gets back in the car and away they go.

The grasshopper is of course amazed after this happens 2 more times. Then in th...

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Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.

Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.
The doctor said “Look out the window and tell me what you see”.
“Nointy noin” Paddy announces, clearly proud of his achievement.
“Ninety nine?” asked the doctor. “But all that’s out there ar...

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A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

A joke I made on the spot to my piano teacher

Me: Hey, so by the way, I’m not going to be able to come to practice April 4th, I got a robotics meeting that day (I actually did have that, this wasn’t just added in for me to make the joke)

Piano teacher: Alright, no problem, let me just write that down.

Me, in a stroke of genius: I ...

My own pastor told me this joke at Church

A man is sleeping peacefully in his comfortable bed.

His mother suddenly yells at him, "GET UP! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CHURCH!"

He groans. "I don't want to go to church."

Mom: "Why not?"

Man: "I don't like any of the people there. They're such goodie goodies, it's boring."...

Picked up a homeless girl today

She was just lying on the side of the road, cold and wet. So, being the good samaritan I am, I picked her up and popped her in the back of my car.

I took her home, bathed her, clothed her, and cooked us a lovely hot meal.

Then I took her to bed, and that's where things started to get a...

A man is walking in a storm, alone and lost. He then comes upon a Monastery.

Having no place to go, the poor man approaches the wooden desolate door of the old Monastery and knocks upon the door. The door opens to a rather withered old Monk, who greets the man. “I am the Head Monk of this monastery. Can I help you?” The man asks for refuge overnight and is taken up into the ...

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

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Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

A Dadaist walks into a bar...

He orders a drink, sips it for a while, pays his tab, and leaves. Outside he declares the whole thing a joke.

Unsastisfied, an Absurdist walks into the bar and orders a Dadaist. The bartender groans as he is forced to run outside and bring back the Dadaist to fulfill the order. This quickly e...

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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

After a family dinner full of fun, my wife sarcastically complimented me that I have become a true master at dad jokes...

... to which I responded, “ I guess I’m officially a groan man.”

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