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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

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A woman is in the delivery room giving birth

After pushing and screaming for what feels like an eternity, the baby is born, silent. The doctor pats the baby on the butt, but it still doesn't cry. He wraps the it in cloth and lays it in a bassinet, and gently pushes open its jaw, shining a light inside the baby's mouth. The mother is, understan...

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

A man meets a nice woman online...

They quickly hit it off, so he asks her out to dinner.

They date is going well, so the man invites the woman back to his place for a night cap.

Things are escalating quickly, so the man stops and looks the woman in the eyes.

"Listen, I need to be up front with you. Before we go...

A senior citizen is pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper says, “If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman replies, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” The trooper frowns. “That’s a repost, sir. You’re under arrest. I’m afraid I...

The living forest

There once lived a monk who took care of a sentient forest. The queen of a neighboring country heard of this forest and wanted to see it for herself, so she traveled there to meet the monk and see his forest.

The monk, honored by his esteemed visitor, showed her around, one beautiful grove af...

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Of Biblical proportions

An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.

"You were such a pious and holy man in life," began St. Peter, "that as a reward you can make one request of me before leaving behind your worldl...

A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "...

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Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat

"How did you know it was dead?" asks the teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" says the boy.

"You did what!?" shrieks the teacher.

"You know" explains the boy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move!"

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are running from a serial killer

Frightened for their lives, they run into an alleyway and try to catch their breath.

"Quick!" says the brunette. "We have to hide!"

Wasting no time, the three girls run around the alleyway to find something to hide in. The redhead finds three human-sized bags and tosses them to her fri...

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A Gorilla is sitting in a tree...

...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla has already finished and is run...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

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Pierre, the French pilot

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

"Pierre kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips.
...

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A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot

She sees a beautiful one but way cheaper than the others. She asks the owner about it.

“The thing is, that parrot used to be in brothel and because of that he developed a very dirty tongue. Because of its language I had to reduce its price.”

The woman decide to buy the parrot anyway b...

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A guy walking down the street sees a sign above a store that reads "Cock Shop"

He decides to check it out. He walks in and heads to the counter and whips out his cock. The woman cashier lets out an audible shriek and asks "What the fuck are you doing?"

"The sign outside said Cock Shop, so..."

"Clock shop you idiot, the "I" is out" replies the angry cashier. "Look...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

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Daffy Duck is at a convention

...and a groupie comes back to his hotel room and things start to get a bit hot and heavy, and after a while she says to Daffy, "Say, do you have any... you know, *protection*?"

And Daffy says "No, I kinda forgot to bring any, but that's OK, I'll just call reception," and he picks up the ph...

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Redneck Car Share

A redneck girl asks her daddy if she can borrow the truck this weekend. “Sure thing Mary Grace, but y’all know if daddy does a favour for you then daddy needs a favour in return and y’all know what your daddy needs! Your momma don’t be doing no favours for daddy these days”
 

The ...

The Future went to the hospital...

... with his wife, Past, as she was due to deliver their new baby. As the contractions got closer and more intense, the door bursts and there stood Present- out of breath from having run from the parking garage and soaked with sweat.

“I got here as fast as I could, dear- I wouldn’t miss the ...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

Put the P in pool

A police officer is on his beat walking past a public pool. A woman runs out of the pool area and shrieks “Officer!! Officer! There’s a man peeing in the pool!”

The cop responds “so what lady, everyone pees in the pool”

She responds, “well not off the high dive!”

Tony and Maria get married...

..and they're spending their honeymoon night at her mother's house. Maria, being a good Italian girl, is a virgin, and has never seen a naked man. The newlyweds go upstairs and start getting undressed.

Tony takes his shirt off, and Maria shrieks and runs downstairs where her mother is making ...

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Some football fans are stranded in the woods

There are 3 of them.
One liverpool fan, one hartlepool fan and an arsenal fan.
They decide that they are going to need some food if they are to survive.
They set a trap and manage to capture a bear.
"We can't eat bear meat!" the arsenal fan shouts, "we're going to die if we don't" the li...

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Four bats flying in a row

Four bats flying in a row get hit by a squall and go tumbling towards an elephant.

First bat lands on the elephants leg and says “Thank god there’s a tree here, I managed to grab the trunk.”

Second bat lands against the elephants ear and exclaims “You’re right! I’m up in the fronds!”<...

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained,

The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.

I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.

She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on ...

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An engineer, mathematician, and a programmer are trapped in another dimension

Suddenly before their eyes, the devil materializes.

"Escape from here is impossible without help from a higher power. I'll give you three wishes to escape. If you are still here, I can claim your soul."

"I wish to leave," said the engineer.

And so he disappeared, but a piercing ...

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A very rich man and his wife are lying in bed

The wife leans over and whispers something in his ear.

His eyes light up, "really??" He says. "Yup! Right now." She says.

He says "I'll be right back!" He jumps up and runs over to the wall and punches some buttons on the wall while his wife undresses.

He turns the lights l...

An old man and an old woman went on a vacation to Las Vegas every year...

Each time as they walked past the helicopter rides the woman would say to the man "please please please take me on a helicopter ride!"

Every year the old man inquired about the cost of ride. Every year $100 was the response from the operator.

Being a frugal old man he would look over a...

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Hitler gets out of his morning shower and decides to check on his camps.

He dries his little handlebar and heads straight to Auschwitz to check on the Jews that he has gathered for safe keeping. Upon entering, he notices that none of his precious Jews are anywhere to be found. Hitler decides that they are probably finishing up in their morning shower as well, and goes to...

So an elderly couple

Jim and Jane, in a nursing home were having a torid love affair. Well, at 97 and 93, "torrid love affair" translates to a once weekly meeting at the nursing home TV room, where Jane holds Jim's johnson through an episode of "Friends".

This went on for a while, but one day Jim didn't show up....

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A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

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Patrick brings home his new fiancé to meet his parents.

Patrick brings home his new fiancé, Stacy, and introduces her to his parents, who are staunchly Irish Catholic and very old fashioned.

His parents and Stacy get along very well and they have a nice dinner together. After dinner, they are in the living room exchanging stories, laughs, and bee...

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So an old lady walks in to her grown daughter's bedroom...

...and she catches her daughter in the middle of a frenzied masturbation session with her vibrator.

"Oh my God," exclaims the old lady, "What are you doing?"

"Ma," says the daughter, "I'm 39 years old, I'm never gonna get married, *this* is my husband!"

The old lady turns and ru...

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New Shiny Shoes

An Italian bachelor buys a new pair of shiny shoes, and decides to head out on the town to show them off.

Once he's at his favorite swing dancing club he begins looking for women to dance with. He finds a beautiful blonde and asks her to dance. She agrees.

"How about a bet?" He asks th...

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Falling penis...

A woman comes home from work early, only to find her husband in bed with the tramp from next door for the third time.

"Lenny! I told you the next time I catch you cheating on me- it's coming off and it's going out the window!"

She runs to the kitchen, grabs a butchers knife and runs ...

After Trump is elected President.

During a security briefing at the White House, the Defense Secretary breaks some tragic news: "Mr President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday while supporting U.S. troops."

"My God!" shrieks President Trump, and he buries his head in his hands. He remains stunned and silent for ...

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A wife asks her husband...

"do you piss in the shower?"

"Of course" he replies.

"that's disgusting" she shrieks

"but honey, I always piss when I take a shit"

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor

and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is...

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Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

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Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

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Four nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

A vampire flies down out of the sky and lands on the hood of the car, hissing at them and baring his fangs.

The nun driving shrieks, "What do I do, what do I do?"

One of the other nuns says, "Turn on the windshield wiper, maybe it will knock him off!"

So the driving nun does so,...

A Priest and a Golfer are playing Golf.

On the first hole, the priest gets a hole-in-one. The golfer, wanting to show up the priest, tries to get a hole in one too. He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole. "Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer. "Sir, That sort of language is not tolerated! If you say th...

A number 2 is walking down the street...

When another number 2 sneaks up from behind and jumps on his friends back to surprise him.

The first number 2 shrieks out-

"Aahhhhh!! You squared me!!"



Sorry...

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Sexual harassment

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair sme...

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

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Three sibling vampires are discussing who is the strongest.

The eldest eventually gets bored of debating and flies of into the night, coming back 5 minutes later covered in blood.

"Siblings of mine! See the lone house on the path into the city, silent and lost in a stripe of blood and fury?" shrieks the eldest with sadistic glory in his voice.

...

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A teacher...

A teacher is playing a guessing game with her students:
"Alright class, I'm thinking of something: it's round, it's red"
An enthusiastic student interrupts
"Teacher! Teacher I know what it is, It's a tomato!"
"No, it's an apple" replied the teacher, "But I like the way you think".
"Le...

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A black man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar, and the impressed bartender asks: "Where'd you get that? "

The parrot shrieks.... "*AFRICA!*"

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Newlyweds

One night, a newly married couple take to their bed after the party and after some smooching they decide they're ready to consummate the marriage. So the groom drops his pants and gets a shriek out of the Bride.

"What's wrong with you!" he shouts at her.
"Ohh! OOH! What's THAT?!" she repli...

A man has to pee...

But he is in the middle of Central Park. He finds what he believes is an out of the way spot, unzips, and does his thing.

To his surprise, the spot he chose was not very secluded, and before he can do anything about it, a woman walks right in front of him.

She shrieks and says, "Gros...

A man has been riding through the desert for months without any female contact...

...he is trying to ignore the urges but they are getting worse with time. After a while he has a sudden idea, jumps off the camel, walks to the back, lifts the tail and lets out a happy shriek because the camel is female!
However the target is quite high up. So the man starts collecting sand unti...

Meanwhile in Italia...

Late on Friday afternoon the foreman tells Enrico that he is going to have to work late. So Enrico asks his friend, Gondolfo, to stop at the house and tell his wife, Lucia.

Gondolfo knocks on the door and Lucia opens it. ”Your old man is not coming home till late,” says Gondolfo. ”How about w...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

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So grandma is a bit pissed....

Little Johnny is taking a stroll with Grandma. Johnny sees money on the ground! He wants to pick it up. "Don't touch it!" shrieks grandma, "everything that lies on the ground is dirty, old and should be left alone."

Sad Johnny continues his walk with grandma. Grandma steps in a puddle and lo...

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Little Billy

Little Billy and little sally are playing in their backyard one day. Little billy suddenly pops a boner and pulls down his pants to show sally and asks "What is this?" and she responds "I don't know!". Later on Sally feels her snatch get tingly and pulls down her pants and asks billy " What is this?...

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

The Greatest Fighter-pilot in France!

There is a fighter-pilot in France called Pierre. He is known throughout all of France as the best. Men want to be him, women want to be with him.

One night he is on the banks of the Seine with a beautiful woman. He charms her with his sharp wit and his soft whispers. Eventually she says "Pie...

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG)

This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher forc...

The gassy old man

There once was a old couple who lived together in a small house. The gentleman had a habit of passing the most foul gas that would fill up the house, much to the dismay of his wife. Exasperated, one day the wife told him: "If you keep farting as much as you do, you are going to fart your guts out of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elderly woman wants a pet to keep her company

so she goes to the pet store to get a new friend.

She tells the shopkeeper she would like something she can talk to and possibly bring to church with her, and he suggests a parrot.

She agrees and the next day brings the parrot to church with her.

In the middle of the service, th...

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