UPJOKE
beatflutterfussmovewaveclapflapsairfoilwingflutteringpotherundulateflyflailtizzy

Flap Jokes

My grandma flaps her legs during her seizures

We all get a kick out of it

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas?

I don’t know. But I know that a guy eating a pangolin in Wuhan, China can cause a toilet paper shortage in every single American mall

Scientists have recently discovered that a pinniped’s external ear flaps carry an electric charge

If you put them on a seal, you get a seal ion.

Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform?

So the Marine have something to hold on to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

My Favorite Thanksgiving Joke

So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, "Hey, Turkey! I've always wondered something..."

Turkey's like, "Yeah. What's up?"

And so the chicken says, "That thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever that's hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?"

And t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."

The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"

"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

I had a job interview today, so I started with some sweeping, after which I displayed my twirling, then a little peek-a-boo, and I finished with a most vigorous flapping

I don't think they were impressed with my cape abilities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The ...

The female version of teabagging

Is called a Flapuccino

Your momma so fat

A water park hired her to sit in a wading pool and start flapping her thighs together to make waves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.

The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did you choose our names father?

A young indian boy asked his father "How did you choose our names father"?

His father replied:

""When your older sister was born I opened the flap to the teepee and looked out, naming her for the first thing I saw. So she is called Running Doe."

"When your older brother was bor...

How do you know if a Yorkshire man is dyslexic?

He'll be wearing a cat flap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

I Think I’m a Moth!

A man bursts into a doctor’s office breathlessly flapping his elbows and exclaims, “Doctor can you help me? I think I’m a moth!”

“I can’t help you,” replies the doctor, “I’m a cardiologist. I help people with heart problems. You have a head problem. You need a shrink!”

“I know,” replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Newfies are flying a plane

Two Newfies were flying a plane and were getting ready to land.

The pilot says to the co-pilot “Alright let’s get ready to land! Follow procedure and give me the half flaps!”

The plane continues on it’s path towards the runway. The pilot notices that the runway looks a little short a...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend that he could touch the tip of his beak with the end of his foot. Certain that ducks aren’t built to do this kind of thing his friend takes the bet.

After several attempts, rolling around on the floor, flapping around and making a fool of himself, the duc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are walking through a forest...

A cat and a rooster - lifelong friends - are walking through the forest and starting to get hungry. Eventually they come to a stream and notice some food on the other side. While the stream isn't very wide, it is fast moving, and there is no easy way to cross.

The rooster is so hungry at ...

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

There was a guy who had a wooden eye.

He was depressed because he couldn't find a woman that could get past the eye. One day he decides to go to the bar and after getting shot down a few times he walks over to the bar to get drunk.

While sitting at the bar he sees a lady who looks upset. She had been shot down by a few men becau...

Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks t...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Idiot pilots - an old one if you haven't heard it . . .

Two idiot pilots are coming-in for a landing.

"Give me 10% flaps," the pilot says.

"Okay, 20% now."

"And, 30%."

"Hey it looks like we're coming in pretty fast," the co-pilot says.

"Yeah, give me 40% flaps."

"Better make that 50%."

"Whoa, this isn't go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into the doctor's office

She asks the doctor, "How much do you charge for a breast job?" The doctor replies, "The procedure starts at $5,000, depending on the size." She says "I can't afford that much money, are there any other options?" The doctor leans back and says "Well, yes, for $200 we can insert a balloon into each b...

**Suggestion for you**

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

A guy goes in to join the circus.

The ringmaster looks at him and says, "This isn't like the old days, kid. We don't just take anyone off the street anymore. You have to have some kind of unique talent."

The guy pleads with him, "Just give me a minute and I'll show you what I can do."

The ringmaster says, "Ok, you have...

American politics is like a penguin.

It has both a left wing and a right wing. But are only good for flapping and making noises.

[Spoiler]

A flap on the wing of an aircraft or glider that can be projected in order to create drag and so reduce speed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The good pastor

One day Pastor Flaps was walking past the pub when he saw, through the window, one of his congregation sitting at the bar drinking whiskey.

Not wanting any of his flock to be part-taking in this evil pass-time he rushed in shouting, "Mary, Mary put that down and you are coming home with me."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Breast Enlargement Technique

(This joke needs bodily movements to get its full effect, so it won't be quite as funny just reading it. It needs to be done live & out loud, so steal at will!)


A woman goes into surgery for breast augmentation, as she had a very flat chest that she was self-conscious about. When sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie but goodie... A young Indian brave walks into the tee-per of the wisest man in the tribe...

“Father, I know because of your great wisdom, it has fallen upon you to name each new child born into our family. Please tell me- how did you acquire such wisdom?”

“My son, it is not so much wisdom as it is observation. Whenever a child is born, I look out the flap of my tee-pee and I will l...

Caught in a Wind Storm

“A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.



She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it co...

A fun story about Dungeons and Dragons

I remember reading this great story, goes somewhere along these lines:

The party is traveling on a mountain in a blizzard, and every member rolls to see if they fall from the cliff. A dwarf warrior doesn't pass the check due to his armor, and falls.

DM: You fall from the cliff but hav...

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breast Hypnotist

A woman, self conscious about her small breasts, is complaining to a girlfriend one day when the girlfriend tells her that her own problems where solved buy a corrective hypnotist. "It's easy", she says, "instead of surgery he hypnotizes your breasts!" Doubtful she checks it out. The hypnotist sits ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

A man heard a talk show was looking for people with unusual talents

When he showed up to audition for the segment the talk show host asked him what talent he was going to perform. The man explained "I imitate birds." The talk show host laughed, waving him away saying "thousands of people can imitate birds. We want something nobody has ever seen before." The man shru...

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

...flaps itself onto a stool in front of the bartender and says, "Got any bread?" The bartender looks at the duck and replies, "Fraid not, can I get you something else?" The duck says, "Got any bread?" the barman stares at the duck for a second and replies, "No mate, we don't have any bread" The duc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman comes home piss drunk

He climbs into bed next to his wife who is deep asleep, and closes his eyes. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a barn filled with animals and that he had become a chicken.
He starts freaking out and the hen next to him tells him to relax, that he's died in his sleep, and that he has been r...

The Parrot Joke.

!Okay, so, this single fellow in his mid forties has a parrot. He just recently acquired his new feathered friend at the local aviary. However recently the creature has been acting strange. It swears endlessly all day. The man does not swear around the bird and can't understand where it picked u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink...

He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar.

"Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that."

The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cogito.....

Three patients at a mental hospital met with a therapist for group. The first patient told her "Doc. I'm a bird." So she asked him to fly. He stood on the chair and flapped his arms, but nothing happened. "Need any help?", she asked. The patient said "No. I'm just not feeling it today". So the next...

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no prob...

A man walks into a bar

and orders a drink. While he’s waiting, he can’t help but notice the disgruntled looking fellow sitting next to him. In front of him on the bar, is a tiny man in a tuxedo playing a concerto on a tiny piano. Obviously curious, the man asks:

Hey buddy, what’s with the tiny musician?

“H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar....

"vodka and coke please" the duck says. The barman is amazed but manages to reply "do you want ice?".

"no thanks, I want to drink it quick, I've had a nightmare fighting a boiler today and need to take the edge off"

The barman hands the drink over, The duck wraps his beak/bill around ...

Help, I think I'm a moth...

So a guy bursts into a doctor's office flapping his arms like crazy and screaming, "Doc, you gotta help me, I think I'm a moth!" The doctor just looks at him bewildered, struggling for words. The guy continues, "Please doc, help me, I think I'm a moth!" The doctor finally stammers out, "Well, what c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gorilla

A gorilla is sitting in a tree...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla h...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.