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Honk Jokes

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I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

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It just dawned on me that the "Honk if You're Horny" bumper stickers are a play on words regarding honking the car HORN

And not just about having a high sex drive

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Today I helped a little old lady with a walker across a busy street

And some of the other car drivers were so inspired they joined me in honking at her.

An old VW beetle broke down in the middle of a highway

"Looks like it's out of gas", said a rich guy who had stopped to help the Beetle driver. "I'll hook you up here in my Ferrari to the next gas station", he continued.
"Oh thank God for your mercy, can't thank you enough"
"No problemo! I'm not in a hurry anyway!"
"Oh, that sure would be a pro...

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

Bumper sticker

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus.<...

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Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunder...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

A stutterer in a boat.

A stutterer along with his friends went for fishing on boat.

While everything was going peacefully, suddendly the stutterer starting screamin sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...The others didn't understand what he wanted to say, but nonetheless he screamed sh-sh-sh-sh louder.But then they heard something. It w...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

A rookie cop is at an intersection.

While he’s at the red light, he sees a street sign that reads: “WATCH FOR PEDESTRIANS”

A few seconds later he notices a lady walking across the street along the zebra crossing. He honks his horn to stop her, rolls down his window and asks: “Ma’am, are you a pedestrian?”

The woman, conf...

I hate it when people honk at me while driving

Like I'm literally doing nothing.

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Honk Kong Dong

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to hav...

A farmer takes his pigs to the breeder

A farmer one day decides he’d like to multiply his pigs but only has two sows, so he takes them to a farm a ways away with some impressive hogs to breed them with.

He gets there on the first day and after the deed is done he asks the other farmer “Say, how will I know it worked” to which the...

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Everyone needs a reliable DD

A man pulls out of the parking lot of a busy Bar at closing time, he begins to swerve and drive eratic. The officer that was parked across the street turned his lights on and pulls him over.. At this time more cars began to leave and everyone who passed honked and waved. The officer paid it no atte...

An Amish farmer and his son were driving their horse-drawn buggy down a road where there was no room to turn around in either direction for two miles.

Suddenly, a man coming the other way in an expensive sports car screeches to a stop in front of them, then begins honking his horn.

The farmer pulls the buggy to a stop, rises from his seat, and rolls up his sleeves. "If you do not back up, I will not like what I have to do," he loudly says....

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10 speed

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pu...

A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You w...

Honk...

If you love peace and quiet.

Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?

It's for a wedding son.

I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.

Exactly son.

What do Canadian geese, and Canadian truckers have in common?

They block the roads and honk

Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster.

Stupid geese.

Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!"

That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

One Adam Twelve

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was ...

What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit?

Honk Gong

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

Why don’t we let geese drive?

They’d honk too much

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprin...

Driving in France

I was driving from London to Paris and got off the ferry at Calais.

I got onto the D901, when my wife called me saying "careful dear, they are saying on the news that there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road."

I said "the news is wrong honey. There are hundreds of these...

McDonald's drive-thru

So is that McDonald's is very busy I went through the drive-thru. I was deciding what I wanted to order. The person behind me kept honking yelling and screaming obscenities. I finished placing my order went up to the cashiers window. And said I would like to pay for the car behind me also. Paid for ...

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

Downstairs

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. The boys honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps...

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Trump'

So that everytime someone honks I can give them the finger.

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

What did the goose say in the traffic jam?

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!!

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One day a businessman

had to catch up to the airport, very urgently. It was rainy. Take a taxi right away
Driver asked him just before he was getting into the taxi;
"-What way?"
Businessman said;
"-I will go to the airport .. I am in a hurry"
Driver;
"-No .. I don't go short distance"

They had a ...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds.

"ROAR!" he yelled.

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked.

"T Rex!"

Then he said, "HONK!"

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Triceratops," he said.

"Why does a Triceratops honk?"

And he said, "Because it has horns!"

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A simple farmer wanted his pigs to have younglings

He tried to get the pigs to mate, but the females wouldnt.

He asked his neighbour for advice. The neighbour said that if he has sex with the pigs they would soon agree to mate with the male pigs.

He didnt like the idea but he needed the younglings. So he starts the next day. He takes t...

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

Old farmer Joe just uses all his savings to buy 51 sheep...

To pass the season he plans to reproduce the 50 female sheep he bought with one ram doing the work.


To his misfortune the ram dies suddenly just after he got it. He goes to complain to his neighbor Bob about his problems and Bob, who also was a farmer, told him he had to do the job him...

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A Redheaded farmer is out in his field minding his own business.

He's tidying up down by the fence next to the road.

A posh limey comes gliding up in his Tesla.

Paddy, that's the Irish farmer, didn't hear the limey roll up so the limey honks his horn, startling Paddy.

"I say," asked the limey "does this road go to the Blarney Stone my good ma...

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

An old man was driving his old Fiat in the Italian countryside, when the car broke down

He pulled over to the side, and called for a tow truck. While he was waiting, this guy in a Ferrari, who must have felt very generous that day, stopped and asked if he needed any assistance.

“It’s okay, the tow truck will be here soon,” the old man told him.

But the guy with the Fe...

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

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Fiat vs Ferrari

Mark has a Ferrari. John has a Fiat 500.
John’s Fiat broke down, so he calls Mark to tow it. Before they start driving, John says: “You start driving, and if you’re driving too fast I’ll honk.”

Mark starts driving extremely fast. In the meantime, a police officer sees them and reports into...

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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

Rudeness vs Kindness

Rudeness vs Kindness

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked and yelled at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she le...

What do a clown and someone who snores have in common?

Honk Shoe.... Honk Shoe..... Honk Shoe....

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

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Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.

Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and sna...

An Australian is visiting Britain...

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights and just crosses streets whenever. After almost getting hit by cars several times and lots of honking a police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?" The Aussie replies:...

What is the name of the city ruled by clowns?

Honk-honk

What do you call a city filled with protesting geese?

Honk Kong

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The King of all the gorillas was having a yard sale

The king of all the gorillas, mister Kong, was having a yard sale. He decided to sell his items collected over the years of roaming in the forests. He had been lowering his sale prices over the course of the day as fewer and fewer people were coming by.

Finally, one passer by came to buy his...

A woman and her 4yo son are driving to a new drive through letter distribution service.

A woman is driving with her son in the back seat to a new drive through service that allows for letter and parcel drop offs without having to get out of the car. It's supposed to be convenient.

When she gets there to drop off her letter there's a boom gate and a sign that says, "this boom gat...

Why didn't the goose like his daughter's new boyfriend?

Whenever he came to pick her up for a date, he'd just sit outside and honks.

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[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.

*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long ti...

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I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

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Don't go

Two friends were walking home one evening and a young sexy woman was blowing kisses at one of them from the window of a lovely bungalow.

1st friend: "Man, it looks like that babe is blowing kisses at me."

2nd friend: "Guy leave her alone, don't pay any attention to her."

Then th...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s...

After a short eternity of waiting for the couple to finally leave the last parking place, I was getting annoyed.

While I was about to start honking my horn and using my best vocabulary, my friend beside me was cool as a cucumber. After another five minutes of waiting, I just had to ask why the normally hot tempered man was so calm.

"It's simple. I'm assuming they are Catholic and just don't have any e...

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[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t honk.

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O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nea...

a blind man is waiting to cross a busy street......

when suddenly his guide dog dashes into traffic, dragging the blind man with him. Brakes squeal, horns honk, drivers yell and cars get rear-ended, but man and dog make it to the other side without a scratch. A crowd starts to gather around the man and dog, curious to see how the man will discipline ...

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Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, ...

I shot a birdie on hole #17 this morning at the golf course...

damn goose kept honking while I was trying to line up my putt

I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.

I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started r...

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I got a new bumper sticker the other day.

It says 'honk if you think I'm sexy.'

I've never felt so confident. I should probably stop waiting at green lights though.

When a donkey is angry in traffic, what does he do?

He honks

If the French always say "hon hon" then what do Canadian French speakers say?

"Honk honk"

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Little Timmy

Little Timmy was in the car with his parents and brother when a police car cut them up. The dad honked the horn and screamed
"What an absolute cunt!"
"Daddy, What does cunt mean?" Timmy Asked
"Um it means police officer Timmy, just a friendly way to describe one" the dad replied in pani...

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