If light travels faster than the speed of sound…

Why do I hear the car behind me honking before the light turns green?

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I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

What did the goose say in the traffic jam?

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!!

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”



The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

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I have a “Honk if you think I’m sexy bumper sticker” on the back of my truck...

I have to sit through red to green light changes to try and make myself feel better

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

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A simple farmer wanted his pigs to have younglings

He tried to get the pigs to mate, but the females wouldnt.

He asked his neighbour for advice. The neighbour said that if he has sex with the pigs they would soon agree to mate with the male pigs.

He didnt like the idea but he needed the younglings. So he starts the next day. He takes t...

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit?

Honk Gong

Honk if you love jesus!

The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in th...

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You w...

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

Old farmer Joe just uses all his savings to buy 51 sheep...

To pass the season he plans to reproduce the 50 female sheep he bought with one ram doing the work.


To his misfortune the ram dies suddenly just after he got it. He goes to complain to his neighbor Bob about his problems and Bob, who also was a farmer, told him he had to do the job him...

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One day a businessman

had to catch up to the airport, very urgently. It was rainy. Take a taxi right away
Driver asked him just before he was getting into the taxi;
"-What way?"
Businessman said;
"-I will go to the airport .. I am in a hurry"
Driver;
"-No .. I don't go short distance"

They had a ...

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Honk Kong Dong

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to hav...

I hate it when people honk at me while driving

Like I'm literally doing nothing.

I was in San Francisco. I took off in a lane next to a self driving car. The self driving car hesitated momentarily at the green light and the vehicle behind him honked at him. So i lowered my window and yelled,

"Oh C'mon! Give it a break! It's only ***Artifically*** Intelligent!"

I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds.

"ROAR!" he yelled.

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked.

"T Rex!"

Then he said, "HONK!"

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Triceratops," he said.

"Why does a Triceratops honk?"

And he said, "Because it has horns!"

Honk...

If you love peace and quiet.

I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love Trump'

So that everytime someone honks I can give them the finger.

Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?

It's for a wedding son.

I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.

Exactly son.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

At 1:58 two young girls ran out in front of my car, so I slammed on my breaks and honked my horn. On the other side of the road behind the wheel was an African activist, who had to slam on his breaks to avoid hitting a pair of young girls as well.

Desmond Tutu tooted two too, at two to two.

Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster.

Stupid geese.

Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!"

That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.

I got honked at while trying to parallel park today.

Yeah, like the goose could do it any better.

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

An old man was driving his old Fiat in the Italian countryside, when the car broke down

He pulled over to the side, and called for a tow truck. While he was waiting, this guy in a Ferrari, who must have felt very generous that day, stopped and asked if he needed any assistance.

“It’s okay, the tow truck will be here soon,” the old man told him.

But the guy with the Fe...

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A Redheaded farmer is out in his field minding his own business.

He's tidying up down by the fence next to the road.

A posh limey comes gliding up in his Tesla.

Paddy, that's the Irish farmer, didn't hear the limey roll up so the limey honks his horn, startling Paddy.

"I say," asked the limey "does this road go to the Blarney Stone my good ma...

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

Mark has a Ferrari. John has a Fiat 500.
John’s Fiat broke down, so he calls Mark to tow it. Before they start driving, John says: “You start driving, and if you’re driving too fast I’ll honk.”

Mark starts driving extremely fast. In the meantime, a police officer sees them and reports into...

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

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A fart is just a turd honking for the right of way.

Yep

An Australian is visiting Britain...

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights and just crosses streets whenever. After almost getting hit by cars several times and lots of honking a police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?" The Aussie replies:...

What do a clown and someone who snores have in common?

Honk Shoe.... Honk Shoe..... Honk Shoe....

Why didn't the goose like his daughter's new boyfriend?

Whenever he came to pick her up for a date, he'd just sit outside and honks.

what is the goose's favorite city?

honk kong

A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

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[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.

*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long ti...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

After a short eternity of waiting for the couple to finally leave the last parking place, I was getting annoyed.

While I was about to start honking my horn and using my best vocabulary, my friend beside me was cool as a cucumber. After another five minutes of waiting, I just had to ask why the normally hot tempered man was so calm.

"It's simple. I'm assuming they are Catholic and just don't have any e...

What do you call a city filled with protesting geese?

Honk Kong

What is the name of the city ruled by clowns?

Honk-honk

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The King of all the gorillas was having a yard sale

The king of all the gorillas, mister Kong, was having a yard sale. He decided to sell his items collected over the years of roaming in the forests. He had been lowering his sale prices over the course of the day as fewer and fewer people were coming by.

Finally, one passer by came to buy his...

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I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me: "Because of the - "

A car drives by, honking very loudly.

Me: "Because of the - "

Another car drives past us, honking even louder.

Me: "Because of the - "

A third car drives by, honking the loudest yet. The secon...

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

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[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

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O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nea...

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How I picked my career.

I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towar...

I shot a birdie on hole #17 this morning at the golf course...

damn goose kept honking while I was trying to line up my putt

I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘!

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Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.

Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and sna...

What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

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A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

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Don't go

Two friends were walking home one evening and a young sexy woman was blowing kisses at one of them from the window of a lovely bungalow.

1st friend: "Man, it looks like that babe is blowing kisses at me."

2nd friend: "Guy leave her alone, don't pay any attention to her."

Then th...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t honk.

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Little Timmy

Little Timmy was in the car with his parents and brother when a police car cut them up. The dad honked the horn and screamed
"What an absolute cunt!"
"Daddy, What does cunt mean?" Timmy Asked
"Um it means police officer Timmy, just a friendly way to describe one" the dad replied in pani...

I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s...

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A farmer bought some breeding pigs

but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pi...

I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.

I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started r...

When a donkey is angry in traffic, what does he do?

He honks

An Eskimo was driving into town...

On an uncommonly hot day, when the car lost power and steam starting rolling out from under the hood. He called a local garage who sent a tow-truck to retrieve him.

Knowing he’d want to get on the road before dark he asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic replies, "Not sure, I’ll have to ...

The reason women are responsible for more accidents at intersections....

must be because they don't have as much experience pulling out as men do.

(OC I think? Thought it up when a woman pulled out right in front of me today, and then had a stupid "what did I do wrong" look on her face when I honked at her for it.)

How do you know a Goose is Canadian?

He goes

“Honk, eh!”

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I got a new bumper sticker the other day.

It says 'honk if you think I'm sexy.'

I've never felt so confident. I should probably stop waiting at green lights though.

My 79 year old friend:

Some one honked at him and he yelled “your horn blows better than your mother!”

a blind man is waiting to cross a busy street......

when suddenly his guide dog dashes into traffic, dragging the blind man with him. Brakes squeal, horns honk, drivers yell and cars get rear-ended, but man and dog make it to the other side without a scratch. A crowd starts to gather around the man and dog, curious to see how the man will discipline ...

Dad and his son are sitting on the front porch.

Meanwhile a column of cars are passing by and honking their horns.
"Dad why are they honking their horns?" asked the son.
"They are going to a wedding" responds the father
"But in school we learned that horns should be used only as a warning"
"Exactly..."

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Full of Wool

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to ...

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The Cab Driver’s Brother

A cab driver in Los Angeles was picking up a passenger from the airport.

Cab Driver: Where to?
Passenger: Universal Studios. Step on it.

The cab driver speeds past the other cars. He’s weaving through the traffic going well above the speed limit. The passenger is a little concerne...

Truck driver and couple

A truck driver sees a couple making love in the road up ahead. He honks his horn to make them get up out of the way, but they keep at it. He keeps honking, but they stay there, so he slams on the brakes to keep from hitting them. He stops inches from them, gets out of the cab, and by then they had r...

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Buttermilk pancakes and an orange Popsicle

There once was a man who loved trains more than anything else in the world. Ever since he was a boy, he would play with his toy trains and dream of driving trains for a real train company.



So, when he turned 18, he packed his bags and waved goodbye to his family. He headed out the doo...

The pig farmer

The pig farmer is having trouble with his pigs not breeding so he visits the vet. The vet suggests he try artificial insemination, and that if successful, the pigs will roll in the mud. Being a simple pig farmer, he thinks "artificial insemination" means "do it himself."

To save his embarra...

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The Autobots had just landed on our green planet.

Optimus tells them to go look for disguises that are suitable so that they can all adequately blend into their new home. Two hours pass and the Autobots reconvene.

Mr Prime: Do you all have suitable disguises?

Company: Yes, Mr Prime.

Mr Prime: Well then, let's see it.

The...

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sheep problem

A farmer wonders why his sheep aren’t reproducing.

He visits a Veterinary who says every morning the farmer must pile the sheep into his truck, take them to the top of the local mountain and fuck each one. The Vet says to check on the sheep the next morning and if they’re lying in the tree sh...

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Scientists have agreed there is now a new definition of the​ microsecond.

It is the time between when the light turns green and the asshole behind you starts honking.

What is a NYC nanosecond?

If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.

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A man is waiting to cross a busy intersection

And after waiting a few seconds it seems clear for him to walk.

He starts his way across the intersection.

When he gets to the middle of the intersection he hears the roar of an engine barreling down on him.


So he moves to his left to dodge the car, the car moves to his le...

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Aggressive driver

So the other day I was just chilling having a relaxing drive when suddenly some asshole comes up right behind me. Very aggressively he starts to flash his lights at me and honk like crazy because he wants to pass. I am thinking, Gandalf style; fuck you; you will not pass. So he goes to the left; I ...

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