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Dose Jokes

How dose good king wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

Johnny Depp refuses to get another dose of the vaccine

He says he now has Heard immunity

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Thieves stole a truck with 1,000,000 doses of viagra

Police are looking for hardened criminals...

What do you call it when you get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna?

Arnold Pharma

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Triple dose

A Man went to the doctor's office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you ne...

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

How many tickles dose it take to make an octopus laugh?

TEN TICKLES

Where dose the majority of the mafia operate

In the spaghetto

What dose a depressed keemstar say?

Leettts get riggght into the noose!

Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine.

Literally.

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While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

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Double dose (Blonde joke)

So, a blonde woman is driving down the road, speeding, when a cop pulls her over. Hoping she can get out of a ticket, she waits until a blonde police officer shows up at her door.

"Can I see your driver's license and registration?" the blonde policewoman asks.

"Which one's the driver's...

joke - Daily dose of laughter.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Why do doctors always tell me to take half a dose?

Isn't that just an 'uno'?

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I took my regular dose of Viagra, which lasts an hour

But then a Chanukah miracle occurred and now I'm in the hospital.

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

How many potatos dose it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

How many babies dose it take to stop a freight train

I don’t know I’m still counting.

How many mice dose it take to screw in a lightbulb??

Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb

Joke - Daily dose of fun..

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

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An old man asks his doctor for a half dose of Viagra

Doc: I'm afraid that a half dose won't quite be enough

Old man: Oh I don't want a full erection. I just want a little lift so I stop peeing on my shoes!

An old man gets two doses of bad news from his doctor...But which is worse?

"Well Dale, your results are in... I have some bad news and some really bad news."

"Just hit me with the worst first Doc. What's the really bad news? Get it out of the way."

The doctor takes a deep breath and prepares to tell Dale the news.

"Ok... Dale you do have lung cancer. T...

My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress.

It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all.

A scientist discovers the cure for aging

In the near future, a scientist makes the revolutionary discovery of a cure for aging. Filled with enthusiasm, he is immediately prompted to the political leaders of his country.

'This is truly amazing, Dr Smith! But before we can finally authorize the distribution of your medicine to the gen...

COVID Vaccine Efficacy

Researchers from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara in Mexico discovered that a single dose of the corona virus vaccine was capable of alleviating life-threatening and reducing transmission rates by 87%.

An audio excerpt from the conversations of the two researchers, C. Guillermo and H. ...

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, ‟*dose this taste funny to you?*”

The other responds, ‟*no.*”

Covid vaccine is not safe

My friend had gotten both his doses. Still died when he fell off the 19th floor.

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part that he sticks in Olive Oyl.

The medical term for owning too many dogs....

Rover Dose.

A Canadian couple takes their pet polar bear to Antarctica

Years ago, a couple in Canada found an abandoned polar bear cub and decided to adopt and raise it themselves. By the time the bear was grown up, it had become very tame, very friendly, and rather jovial.

Life with a pet polar bear turned out to be pretty fun, but one problem was that takin...

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Just found out I qualify for the Pfizer Vaccine!

Apparently if you buy more than 20,000 Viagra a year you're a preferred customer, and get a free dose.

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There was a football field with a bar next to it

Every Saturday there was a championship in that field


One day, the two teams that were going to play were dwarf teams

Then, the dwarves arrived at the barman (Gerson) and said: Hey you ... Can we use the bathroom to put the uniforms on?

And the barman replied: Yes you can...

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

A cowboy walks into a bar

and orders a dose of the strongest drink available. The bartender serves a glass, the cowboy drinks it all in a single swallow, hits the glass on the table and asks for more.

The bartender serves another dose and the cowboy again drinks it all in one gulp and asks for more. The bartender serv...

Apple announced that they are releasing a Covid vaccine

It will come in two doses, they'll call it the Steve Jabs

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It’s ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?

He ogre-dosed

The good doctor

A doctor moves to America, but is not allowed to continue practicing medicine. So he opens a shop with a sign that says "$20 and we'll cure any illness. Guaranteed, or you get $100 back."

A lawyer sees the sign and realizes he can make an easy $100. He walks into the clinic and says he lost ...

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

What do Seasons 1-5 of GOT and The Lion King prove?

Sometimes the greatest stories of our time have a healthy dose of incest

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

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Dad joke? Dad joke.

My father, who is still pretty spry at the age of 73, has been single for about 20 years.
On a recent trip to the doctors office he requested a half-dose prescription of Viagra.
The doctor asked him, "Why only a half-dose, Jack? I wasn't aware you were seeing anyone."
He replied, "Oh,...

Did you hear about the sucicdal homeopath?

He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

Vaccine Warning!

This happened yesterday and is important information for the boomer age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should...

These Britishers are great !!

These Britishers are great !!



British PM Boris Johnson has been blessed with a baby boy from his girlfriend.



Johnson and Johnson have come out with a single dose Covid vaccine .



They let out an ad featuring the PM with his kid and their vaccine’s name in...

As the virus raged, the doctor realized his entire ward was dying fast...

As the virus raged, the doctor realized his entire ward was dying fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One stricken man responded. "Yes, Doctor, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the doctor, "you pray while the rest of us try this new vaccine - we're one dose short."

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

LifeProTip: If you have a bad cough.

Take a large dose of laxatives... then you'll be too scared to cough.

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BMW thinks of everything

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says ...

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety ye...

Man

A man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying “i’m on my period.” the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she’s done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes al...

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He's dead Doc!

An old man and his wife are having trouble in the bedroom. They visit their Doctor for help.

He recommends viagra but is a concerned about the man's age so suggests halving the dose. "Take it Monday, skip Tuesday, take it Wednesday, skip Thursday and so on ".

A few weeks later the do...

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Older man and Viagra

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. He asks for the largest dose the doctor can prescribe. The doctor asks, "why so much?" The man says, "two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place." The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the man co...

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

The difference between a pharmacist and a priest...

Is how they give a child a daily dose of D.

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The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

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Man these party drugs kids are taking are getting weirder and weirder.

Just heard they are now breathing large amounts of nitrous oxide after taking a huge dose of exlax.

It's street name is Shits and Giggles.

NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The ...

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Gonorrhea

A man goes to the doctors after his toe goes black and swells up. After he is diagnosed with a dose of gonorrhea of the foot, he asked if it was rare. The doctor told him 'about as rare as the woman we had in yesterday, with athlete's cunt’

Donald Trump is the candy corn of politicians

Part white, part orange and sickening in large doses

My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken

She had a cheeky nan dose

Mr. Jones falls asleep in church.

Mr. Jones keeps falling asleep in church, and Mrs. Jones is not to happy with this. So one day she makes an appointment with the pastor and sits down with him to discuss it.
She says to him, "pastor I am getting tired of Mr. Jones falling asleep during church there has got to be something we can ...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

Two Newfoundlanders Travel to Toronto

Two Newfoundlanders, Jimmy and Dave, are out of work, so they decide to move to Toronto to find jobs. They scrounge up every last cent they have for the trip and find they have $1000 between them to get started.

As soon as they get to Toronto, they see a sign in a shop window that says "Suits...

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An Irish father and son are drinking at their local pub

The father says, "Well, boyo, I've got some bad news. I've been to the doc, and your old Da's got cancer. Ain't got much longer now, t'aint nothin to be done."

"Da!" says the son, "That's horrible! Well, I guess we better get to drinking, then, shouldn't we?"

"Two pints of the black st...

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A Rabbi goes to church to visit a friend who is a priest...(long)

He is waiting around for the priest, just hanging out by the pews, when a young woman comes into the church, and goes into the confessional.

The Rabbi thinks to himself that he dose not want to wait around longer for the the priest, and taking confessions can't be that difficult, so he slip...

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Best read in an Irish brogue

I see yer new in th'area, boyz, so ai'll give ya some free advice. Be careful wat yer known far, as da locals can be a bit stickish.

Lookit me 'uouse, wouldja. I built it wit me own two 'ands, drew da plans up, too. But do dey call me "Billy da 'uouse-builder?" Naw.

That bridge, over a...

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