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I asked my friend if liked his job as a civil engineer in the sanitation department.

He said it was very rewarding to know crap is being taken care of.

No one likes me telling jokes about the Civil War...

I always end up getting Stonewalled.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Everyone hated the egotistical civil engineer.

He got too big for his bridges.

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient

Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

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A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization

That’s fucking intelligent.

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

3 engineering students

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The ...

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A joke my Russian friend sent me

A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The...

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who ...

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

a lathered-up mob ...

a mob gathered outside the soapmaker's cottage accusing, "those barrels in your cellar, we know what they are, we know what you've been up to - those barrels contain fats rendered from our missing townsfolk you've been murdering all these years!"  

the soapmaker protested, "those are lyes, th...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war?

Morgan

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

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Civil Engineer: Lets build a bridge!

Rude Engineer: Fuck you!

A cardiologist, a psychologist, and a civil engineer are out golfing

The cardiologist pauses and says, "You know, the more I think about it the more sense it makes that God must have been a cardiologist. Look at our anatomy! Look at our hearts and all of our blood vessels perfectly moving blood through the body! I don't see how anyone but the best cardiologist cou...

Despite the civil unrest, America has lost nothing of its greatness.

Still 9,540,000 square miles.

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What do you call the extremes in the political spectrum?

Political Rectums

Example sentence: It’s impossible to have a civilized discussion with Tim, he is too far right/left up in the Political Rectum.

A priest who came to a village in Africa which was very ignorant, was trying to educate the natives.

While he preached every morning that people should do good and be kind to each other, he would try to teach English to the head of the tribe in the afternoon. One day the priest took the chief with him and started walking
Meanwhile, he was trying to increase the knowledge of the chief by saying t...

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

As a civilized caveman, Arg found Kro’s advocacy for cannibalism to be deplorable and publicly opposed him.

When the great famine arrived, he realized he was going to have to eat Kro.

What do you call a goody two-shoes who gets injured in the civil war?

Goody one-shoe.

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

A pirate walks into a bar and sees a civil rights activist, a communist, and a dog sitting around a table.

The pirate says, “It’s my lucky day. X. Marx. The Spot.”

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Why was the proud civil engineer salty?

He received constructive criticism.

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.

He was asked -

Q 1. When did India get Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in ...

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization. Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat. According to his ma...

An alien civilization has spotted us.

Now they live in constant fear.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

This joke is for all the engineers out there

Three university engineering students are having a heated debate over which type of engineering is the best to specialize into. Mechanical is clearly the best says the one student, its the most interesting field and theres more employment opportunities post grad!! no way says the other student elect...

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

Everyone keeps talking about how Rosa Parks stood up for civil rights.

I thought the whole point was that they DIDN'T stand up??

I've heard a lot about how important 'the wheel' was for civilization

But I think it's time to recognize 'the shovel' for being the ground-breaking invention that it is.

What did the dyslexic astrophysicist say to the civil rights activist?

Black Matter Lives

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The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,

Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"

[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]

Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?

He doesn't work well with Vision

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

Why did the French have so many Civil Wars?

Because they wanted to be able to win one for once.

Who is Donald Trump's favorite Civil War General?

Stonewall Jackson











(disclaimer I don't actually know who his favorite general is)

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

Someone asked Ghandi what he thought about Western Civilization

He thought it could be a really good idea

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The power of booze.

Chapayev was a famous Red Army commander during the Russian Civil War.
He often travelled with a young aid named Peter.
One day they were holding a farm until reinforcements would arrive.

- Commander, I got from the radio that the enemy is five miles away!
- Let's drink to it.
Th...

Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels.

Because it's boring.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The answer is not quite clear but it did affect the geopolitical structure and landscape of western civilization by becoming prey for KFC.

Civil engineer fired after forgetting how to design electricity-generating water barriers.

He lost his dam mind.

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions....

General Lee speaking.

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It's the last day of school and Little Johnny is ready to go home.

The teacher says, "To be dismissed from class and go to the playground while you wait for your parents to pick you up, you have to answer a history question correctly."

Teacher asks, "Who was the 1st president? Maria?"

Maria says, "That's easy, George Washington!"

"Very good, yo...

What do ancient civilizations and lettuce recalls have in common?

The fall of the Romaine empire.

[Civil servant joke] President Obama wants to know who's better: the CIA, the US Marine Corps, or the LAPD.

The President orders a single, clearly marked white rabbit to be released into the California redwood forests. Whichever service catches the rabbit wins the contest.

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small...

Donald Trump doesn't believe there were any lynchings during the Civil War.

When asked about it, He said it was just a case of Fake Noose

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"

Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the Civil engineers and contractors of Reddit

Coarse aggregate to sand : “How are you?”

Sand : “I am fine”

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesi...

I’ve heard that civilization first started in the Middle East

I guess easy come easy go

The Genie and the Presidents

George Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump found a magical lamp, and a Genie came out.

"I will grant each of you one wish," said the Genie, "If you can tell me one true fact about yourself. If your statement is false, then you will die."

George Bush thought for a moment, and said, "I...

A priest was teaching a tribe to be civilized..

A priest/whatever was teaching a tribe to be civilized. He taught them all the manners and etiquettes. Finally, he decided to teach them English.

He took the village head and walked around the forest.

He pointed at a tree and said "tree". The Elder nodded and the priest was pleased tha...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

What’s black, white, and red all over?

The American Civil War

[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War.

Lincoln gets killed at the end.

What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge?

Martin Loofah King

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall

it took me a moment to realize they meant “autumn” and not the fall of civilization.

What ancient civilization had the best tattoos?

The Ink-ans

What do you call a guy that builds polite infrastructure projects?

A civil Engineer

I just read an 8,265 word essay on civil disobedience...

And damn if it wasn't Thoreau.

Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI

So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?

Why did 'Civil Disobedience' take so long to write?

The author was being Thoreau

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of scientists are performing research on building civilizations...

they decide to put three people on an island. Not wanting to ignore cultures, they choose an American, a European, and a Japanese man. The three men are told they will be left on the island for three months and after which their survival and civilization building skills will be evaluated.
The Am...

Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?

Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

God is obviously a Civil Engineer...

... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.

I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

Why did the academic become a civil war recennactor in his back garden?

It allowed him to be revolutionary in his field.

Two aliens are talking

- It looks like the humans have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons
- Are they an emerging smart civilization?
- Doesn't look like it, they have them aimed at themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist

He's an expert at building bridges

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

Why do some engineers never get kicked out of anything?

They're civil engineers.

Stephen Hawking says we only have 1000 more years left as a civilization

He's just mad that we haven't figured out how to get him out of that wheelchair by now

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

A long time ago, a spanish civilization was extremely advanced in technology.

In fact, their technology was so advanced in their current time period that they were thought to be using magic. While others built their shelters out of sticks, they built their shelters out of adobe bricks. While others cooked with fire pits, they cooked with electric stoves. While others fought w...

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