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Polite Jokes

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

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I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady

She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"

What a bitch.

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Be Polite

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be o...

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.

'Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

How can you be polite to a pregnant woman?

By including the child in the greeting.

What is exaggerated politeness?

By shaking the child´s hand too.

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My penis is so polite.....

.....it stands up to give ladies a place to sit down.

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

How to be polite.

I tried to be a gentleman today and hold the door for someone, Turns out it's not polite if it is a revolving door.

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in polite company?

It's two gross.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

The Polite Way to go for a Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher Miss Pinto trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: 'Just a minut...

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What’s the difference between a polite business partner and a sex worker?

A polite business partner always says « Thanks - it’s been a pleasure doing business with you. »

Q: Which dinosaur is the most polite?

A: The please-u-saur.

"A very Polite Deer"

A lizard is walking through the forest when he sees a rabbit knocked down. He askes what happened. The rabbit says "It was the deer. He's gone crazy and now he's hitting everyone with a bat, but I gotta say-he is very polite."

The lizard continues down the forest when he sees a bear also kno...

Polite waiter

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
\-
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

What's the difference between polite conversation and an erection?

I can maintain polite conversation.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

What do you call a polite pig?

Canadian Bacon.

Before too long, President Trump will be the most polite guy ever.

He'll be saying, "Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me."

At first I didn’t know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.

Power to the peephole.

Who is the most polite person?

A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite.

The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies.

But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He dec...

It is not polite to call people White Trash

The proper label is white non-recyclables



Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

The White House has suddenly turned into such a polite place.

Everyone is going around saying, "Pardon me."

What do you call a polite cop?

A please officer.

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Gay bars have the most polite dudes I've ever met..

They always push in my stool for me.

Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

God and Canadians

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."

So God created Ca...

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

I don’t understand how opening a door for a lady is polite.

I did, and the girl just flew out of her car and onto the highway.

Just sneezed around some very polite strangers.

#blessed

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How do you be polite to a lady dog?

Bitch please!

Be polite to every idiot you meet.

He could be your boss tomorrow.

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What is the polite way of saying “motherfucker”?

Father.

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

What does a polite pirate say?

Chivalry-Timbers!

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When guests leave your event, it’s polite to say, “Thanks for coming”

But when I say it after sex, she just says “I didn’t”

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If I had a dollar for every time I was polite,

Well where the fuck is my money?

E: OC afaik. Came up with it while on the toilet.

If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear

"Aww nuts!"


(its name is probably Carl)

One good thing about trump’s White House is how polite they are...

One walk down the hall and everyone says “Pardon me.”

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

Thank you and Sorry are the two most polite phrases.

Apparently, "No, thank you, I don't need your advice" and "Sorry, I don't want to help you" don't cut it.

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woma...

What were the polite Egyptians running away from?

DaRUDE Sandstorm

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

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