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Policy Jokes

I've just checked my home insurance policy

and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.

The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."
"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.

"Nah," the cowboy replies. "...

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What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?

“Donetsk, don’t tell.”

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Ukraine has a new policy on gays signing up for military service.

Donetsk, Dontell.

An oceanarium took out an insurance policy on their trained seals.

One day one of their seals got injured and needed treatment. However, the insurance company rejected their claim.
The reason was: "Warranty void if seal is broken."

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Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.

One thing leads to another and they end up barhopping all night. While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.

They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St Peter tells them, "Boys, you're in luck. Since it's Christmas, we ha...

Did you hear the name of Putin's new military policy?

Donetsk, don't tell.

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...

They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?

First Come First Serve.

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

A man is asked by his friends why he doesn't have a life insurance policy

"Because I want everybody to be really sad when I die!" He grins.

Due to Policy Changes

Prenuptial’s will now be called End User License Agreements

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

My college has a strict "No Enrollment" policy

No acceptions.

Honesty is the best policy

But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

Why did the boomer have a no coins policy in his store?

He couldn’t tolerate change.

What does the US’s Native American policy have in common with Anakin Skywalker?

They like slaughter not just the men, but the women and the children too

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

Ruff Policy

My dog, Case, swallowed my proof of car insurance. It's really no big deal though. My insurance is just in Case.

a man walks into a supermarket

He grabs a bag of dog food, and brings it to the checkout. The cashier says: "sorry, according to store policy you need to bring your pet with you if you want to buy food" The man, who doesn't have his dog with him walks away angrily.

The next day he comes back and takes a bag of cat food, o...

I asked my friend what he thought of EA’s micro transaction policy,

he said he didn’t buy it.

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

This is the third time I've read the policy upon posting jokes.

Ok Admin, i reddit already

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.

All the dates I've had recently have been way too interested in my stance on monetary policy...

Why are they all so super-fiscal?

What was Obama's foreign policy like?

It was the very model of a modern multilateral.

I hear The Beatles influenced the COVID19 treatment policy at Italian hospitals...

Live... Let Die... Live... Let Die...

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...

They say honesty is the best policy

But if you don't have the ability to lie when needed, you are a liability

A genie tells a man he gets four things, but his wife gets double it.

The first thing he wants is a million-dollar life insurance policy.

The genie says ok, but your wife gets a two-million-dollar policy.

Then, he asks for a new car.

Ok, but your wife gets two.

Then, he asks for an 8 bedroom house.

Finally, he asks to be beaten hal...

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I don't know why people keep asking if one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is gay.

They have a strict "Don't Ask Donatello" policy

German lawmakers are considering a policy that makes all Uber ride sharing free

If the law passes, then Deutschland will über alles

What national policy can keep your pants up?

A waste ban

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

What's a Republican policy that helps the middle class instead of the .01%

<Removed.>

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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

New Secret Service policy

So, the Secret Service has a new policy regarding the President's safety. Every time the president is in danger, they must shout "Donald, duck!"

George Washington had enacted a strict army policy about cherry trees

Dont axe, dont tell

What does U.S. immigration policy have in common with kindergarten after lunch?

Kid napping.

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...

Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...

Honesty is the best policy

At dinner with friends and family, Johnny was asked to say the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.

"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.

"Okay", the boy said.

"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and the...

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Honesty is the best policy.

Bob is being interviewed for a job and Greg notices that the reason for his previous job's termination was honesty. Greg says "well I don't think that is a very good reason to be fired." Bob replies "I don't really give a shit what you think."

Ellen Pao walks into [this content violates our ban on anti-reddit propoganda policy and his thus been banned ]

*Admin Note:*

*The next user to make a joke about our glorious leader Ellen Pao shall be banned along with the offending subreddit.*

*Signed:*

*Grand Vizier Hippo Hamburger*

The USA made it a country wide policy to start treating the enviroment better

To help save school supplies, Alabama contributed by using the same papers for line graphs and family trees

Don't ask don't tell is a great policy for dating.

I don't ask them out, they don't tell me no.

A blonde walks into an electronics store

She looks around and eventually calls a worker over and says “I’d like to buy this tv”

The worker tells her kindly, “I apologize miss, but store policy is that we don’t sell things to blondes”.

Very angry, she leaves and goes to a salon and dyes her hair black. Then she goes back the n...

I want to make a film about a husband and a wife who both work in immigration. As a consequence of the family separation policy, they are unable to reunify a toddler with his parents, so they decide to become his adoptive parents

The title would be ICE ICE Baby

Trump: Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States

There will be hell toupee.

I bought a boomerang on Amazon...

...but only because of their 100% return policy.

My parents always say honesty is the best policy. So I told my my mum I was going clubbing with friends last night.

I don’t get why she’s so upset with me, we only bludgeoned the one guy before the cops came.

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

I asked Santa for a new energy policy...

...but all I got in my stocking was a lump of coal. :-(

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

Don't blame Trump for this immigration policy,

Lady Liberty tried to come over from France 130 years ago and they still haven't let her in!

When your a spoiled brat and your dad is a trusts lawyer

Kid starts throwing a tantrum in a department store:

Kid: If you don’t buy this for me for Christmas I’ll kill myself!”

Dad: “Well then it’s a good thing I took out that life insurance policy on you”

Kid: “Ughhh! I hate you!”

Dad: “I love you too”

Kid: “Didn’t you ...

Breaking news

Vladymir Putin will marry his girlfriend Eva on April 28th in a private ceremony underneath the Kremlin. A policy change is expected soon after.

What's the policy at French morgues?

Baguette and tag it.

Russia will NEVER identify the Ukrainians fighting them...

They have a strict Donetsk don't tell policy.

Store Policy

CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT: Do you have a dog?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
CHECKOUT: Where is he?
CUSTOMER: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the customer returns.
CUSTOMER: I...

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NEW OFFICE POLICY 2013 Dress Code

ALL EMPLOYEES

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manag...

Yesterday, Bill Clinton endorsed Newt Gingrich's immigration policy

Today he's endorsing Herman Cain's domestic policy.

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

Life policies to die for.(Long)

Peter is a very meticulous guy, and leaves no stone unturned to get the best deal on anything and everything. He decides to shop around for life insurance and he picks three insurances at random to check their rates.

When he goes to the first one and expresses his desires, the salesperson to...

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...

After noticing traces of a suspicious white powder on the ground inside the Iraqi General's tent HQ...

...I asked what his policy was on cocaine use.










He shrugged and said, "That's my line in the sand."

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

Signs of our times

My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

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A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be...

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Trump book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The cl...

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A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore...

He asks the Muslim store owner, "Do you have that book, the one that explains Trump's Muslim Ban and illustrates points concerning his immigration policy?" The Muslim owner responds, "Get the fuck out of here you pig! Get the fuck out and stay out! And if you ever try to come back I'll personall...

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

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My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully

So I went to the school to see why that happened...

“It’s against our policy to hit other students.” Says the principal.

“So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say

“Yes”

So I did what any rational ...

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