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Policy Jokes

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

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What's a sperm bank's distribution policy?

First come, first served?
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A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor.

He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family, and creates criminals, then I’m against it!

But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund ne...
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I asked my friend what he thought of EA’s micro transaction policy,

he said he didn’t buy it.
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I've just checked my home insurance policy

and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.
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My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”
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Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...
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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

I tried to buy a life insurance policy today

They said all I could afford was coverage for lightning strikes
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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

Britain just announced that from next year, they will put a cap on new immigrants. I vehemently disagree with this policy.

Immigrants should be allowed to put whatever head dress they prefer.
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A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"
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Ruff Policy

My dog, Case, swallowed my proof of car insurance. It's really no big deal though. My insurance is just in Case.
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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

Due to Policy Changes

Prenuptial’s will now be called End User License Agreements
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A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...
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An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.

The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."
"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.

"Nah," the cowboy replies. "...
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As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.
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What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?

“Donetsk, don’t tell.”

Did you hear the name of Putin's new military policy?

Donetsk, don't tell.
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Honesty is the best policy

But by process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Keep that in mind.
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Ukraine has a new policy on gays signing up for military service.

Donetsk, Dontell.

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*
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Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"

Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."
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What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?

First Come First Serve.
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An oceanarium took out an insurance policy on their trained seals.

One day one of their seals got injured and needed treatment. However, the insurance company rejected their claim.
The reason was: "Warranty void if seal is broken."
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My college has a strict "No Enrollment" policy

No acceptions.
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They say honesty is the best policy

But if you don't have the ability to lie when needed, you are a liability
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New Secret Service policy

So, the Secret Service has a new policy regarding the President's safety. Every time the president is in danger, they must shout "Donald, duck!"
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Why did the boomer have a no coins policy in his store?

He couldn’t tolerate change.
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What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality?

Don’t ask Donatello

What national policy can keep your pants up?

A waste ban
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Honesty is the best policy

At dinner with friends and family, Johnny was asked to say the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.

"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.

"Okay", the boy said.

"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and the...
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A man is asked by his friends why he doesn't have a life insurance policy

"Because I want everybody to be really sad when I die!" He grins.
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Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!
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This is the third time I've read the policy upon posting jokes.

Ok Admin, i reddit already
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What does the US’s Native American policy have in common with Anakin Skywalker?

They like slaughter not just the men, but the women and the children too
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Honesty is the best policy.

Bob is being interviewed for a job and Greg notices that the reason for his previous job's termination was honesty. Greg says "well I don't think that is a very good reason to be fired." Bob replies "I don't really give a shit what you think."

I hear The Beatles influenced the COVID19 treatment policy at Italian hospitals...

Live... Let Die... Live... Let Die...
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A joke about Reddit's censorship policy.

<removed>
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A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...
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German lawmakers are considering a policy that makes all Uber ride sharing free

If the law passes, then Deutschland will über alles
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All the dates I've had recently have been way too interested in my stance on monetary policy...

Why are they all so super-fiscal?
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What does U.S. immigration policy have in common with kindergarten after lunch?

Kid napping.
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So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...
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What's a Republican policy that helps the middle class instead of the .01%

<Removed.>
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George Washington had enacted a strict army policy about cherry trees

Dont axe, dont tell
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Don't blame Trump for this immigration policy,

Lady Liberty tried to come over from France 130 years ago and they still haven't let her in!
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Don't ask don't tell is a great policy for dating.

I don't ask them out, they don't tell me no.
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I asked Santa for a new energy policy...

...but all I got in my stocking was a lump of coal. :-(
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Trump: Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States

There will be hell toupee.
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Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.
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TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.
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What's the policy at French morgues?

Baguette and tag it.
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A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.
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NEW OFFICE POLICY 2013 Dress Code

ALL EMPLOYEES

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manag...

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
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A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...
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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

A man goes to the supermarket

A man in a supermarket goes up to a cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

The next ...
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Ellen Pao walks into [this content violates our ban on anti-reddit propoganda policy and his thus been banned ]

*Admin Note:*

*The next user to make a joke about our glorious leader Ellen Pao shall be banned along with the offending subreddit.*

*Signed:*

*Grand Vizier Hippo Hamburger*
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A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...

... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."

Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.

"You don't understand," s...

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

My parents always say honesty is the best policy. So I told my my mum I was going clubbing with friends last night.

I don’t get why she’s so upset with me, we only bludgeoned the one guy before the cops came.
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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...

They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.
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Anniversary dinner date

For their 1st wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because they had never been there before.

For their 10th wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because it had a world-class bartender who made the best signature cocktails....

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...
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A genie tells a man he gets four things, but his wife gets double it.

The first thing he wants is a million-dollar life insurance policy.

The genie says ok, but your wife gets a two-million-dollar policy.

Then, he asks for a new car.

Ok, but your wife gets two.

Then, he asks for an 8 bedroom house.

Finally, he asks to be beaten hal...
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A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore...

He asks the Muslim store owner, "Do you have that book, the one that explains Trump's Muslim Ban and illustrates points concerning his immigration policy?" The Muslim owner responds, "Get the fuck out of here you pig! Get the fuck out and stay out! And if you ever try to come back I'll personall...

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."
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I bought a boomerang on Amazon...

...but only because of their 100% return policy.
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A blonde walks into an electronics store

She looks around and eventually calls a worker over and says “I’d like to buy this tv”

The worker tells her kindly, “I apologize miss, but store policy is that we don’t sell things to blondes”.

Very angry, she leaves and goes to a salon and dyes her hair black. Then she goes back the n...
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Prison Joker

Young guy gets sentenced to 15 years in prison and is assigned to a cell with a lifer. The old man explains the rules, including the no-talking policy in the cafeteria.
At dinner that night, one of the inmates stands up and yells out, "28!" All the other inmates laugh loudly and then resume eatin...
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After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...
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A blonde walks into an appliance store.

She asks the clerk " Hi, how much is that pink Television?" the clerk replies "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes". She screams discrimination but eventually accepts defeat and walks out.She dyes her hair black, wears sunglasses and goes back the next day, "What's the price for that pink Television...
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Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.
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On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.
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Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...
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Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...
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A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...
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Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...
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I don't know why people keep asking if one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is gay.

They have a strict "Don't Ask Donatello" policy

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Trump book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The cl...

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A man is walking through his local mall and sees a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he's never seen a Mexican bookstore before.

He browses the store before finally asking the clerk "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policy with Mexico?"

The clerk replies "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies "Yeah, that one."

I want to make a film about a husband and a wife who both work in immigration. As a consequence of the family separation policy, they are unable to reunify a toddler with his parents, so they decide to become his adoptive parents

The title would be ICE ICE Baby
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Mexican bookstore

I was walking down a mall and saw a store called "Mexican Bookstore." Naturally curious, I walked in and asked the guy behind the counter:

"Excuse me, sir, but do you happen to have a book about Donald Trump's immigration policy?"

"Fuck you! Get the fuck out and stay the fuck out!" he ...

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St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only ...

Roses are red, sorry for the Hypocrisy

But hey, we’ve updated our privacy policy
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Breaking news

Vladymir Putin will marry his girlfriend Eva on April 28th in a private ceremony underneath the Kremlin. A policy change is expected soon after.
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast's High-Speed Internet service (the 'Service'). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol ('IP') address associa...
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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

I went to the boomerang store the other day

They had a great return policy
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