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Marital Jokes

New Jersey ranks highest in depression and marital infidelity

It's a sad state of affairs

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women sha...

Why does Curt Connors have marital problems?

Because of his reptile disfunction

What's the difference between Martial and Marital?

Whether the violence is domestic.

Marital Misunderstanding

It's 4.00am. A man comes stumbling home and bursts drunk into his bedroom. He's totally dishevelled, stinks of booze and has a goat tucked under his arm. His wife sits up with a shriek and shouts:

"How dare you come home in that condition! And what's that thing under your arm?"

Her hu...

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

A couple are having marital difficulties,

...and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor.

At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.

The wife says: “We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unha...

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Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.

"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"

The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence...

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Marital Advice

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something....
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,my wife and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are...

A minister is giving a sermon on marital relations and happiness in marriage.

He states that those who have the happiest marriages have very regular conjugal relations. To prove his point he asks those who have such relations several times a week to stand. As they do he sees a smiling group of people. Then he asks who have conjugal relations several times a month and those...

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My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

Marital Misunderstanding

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flo...

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An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

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What are the three stages of marital ?

Tri-weekly

Try weekly

Try weakly

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital .

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.


The second has a husband and sells watermelon.


The third cantaloupe.

Me: I love you, but I am NOT interested in your marital problems.

Him: But you're my wife!

Marital problems

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

Marital Problems (possible oc?)

Dave got in a fight with his wife and took off for the night. He calls up his friend Steve who offers Dave his couch. While they're watching the gave and having a beer Steve asks Dave what happened.

Dave: I've got no idea. One minute we're talking about the dishwasher, the next she's calling ...

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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital ...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of , you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be unti...

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A daughter goes to her father for marital advice...

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was...

Heavenly Marital Help

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The cou...

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"... to a tractor.”

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are having marital problems and decide to go see a marriage counselor.

Counselor: "Well Mickey/Minnie, from what I gather, Mickey thinks you Minnie, are going crazy?"

Mickey: "That is not what I said, I said she was Goofy!"

Marital Bliss! A police officer pulls over...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says,”Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: "Now don't be silly, d...

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

I did Judo till i got married.

I wasn't prepared for Marital arts.

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

A women was shopping at her local...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce,a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk stand...

Any man who has an abusive wife

Any man who has an abusive wife, needs to start practicing marital arts.

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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

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An Irish painter by the name of Murphy,

while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman ar...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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What does a Japanese man experience when he marries a Jewish woman?

marital bris

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A man comes home from work

A man comes home from work to the sound of sobbing coming from the bedroom so he goes upstairs to see what's going on. Upon entering the marital bedroom he finds his wife standing naked & crying in front of the full length mirror.
"Darling, what's wrong?" He asks.

His wife replies " I'...

Wake me up at 5 tomorrow.

Wife and Husband has one hell of a raw one night and started giving silent treatment to each other.

Life must go on wife needed some things for home and couldn't go out her self. So she wrote note for husband and attached it fridge. Buy this and that etc, so whenever husband needed something...

A couple goes to a marriage counselor

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided the best thing to do would be to seek the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor interviews them for several hours and then gives them his advice.

"The main problem I see is that you two do not show appreciation towards each...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

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John Deer

Leeroy went to visit his best friend Jethro. When Leeroy arrived, he saw Jethro outside, dancing his off in front of his John Deere tractor. Jethro was swaying back and forth, doing the twist, even a little breakdancing. When Leeroy questioned Jethro about what the heck he was doing, Jethro sai...

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So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.

Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man

"Hey there! how's it going? I'm B...

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So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck

He goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse."
"Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over...

Great Deal at the Grocery Store

Bill is a man in his forties and he gathered his old fraternity brothers together for a weekend to play some poke, reminisce about old times and complain about their lives. Particularly, Bill had marital troubles, and was explaining his worries that his wife was cheating on him.
One of the guy...
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