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Eyes Jokes

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer?


**What about a deer with no eyes and no legs?**

Still, no ideer?

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

A man walked up to me today, looked me in the eyes, and said, ”Apportion.”

I smiled and said, “Thank you, that means allot to me.”

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling he...

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humor

Two black eyes

A man comes home from work sporting two black eyes. His wife asks, "what happened to you?"

"Well, I was getting on the bus behind this curvy brunette, and noticed her skirt was jammed in between her cheeks. Being a gentleman, I pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me."

...

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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As I looked into her eyes...

...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

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The piano playing in “Eyes Wide Shut” may be the most unnerving thing I’ve ever heard...

...and I’ve heard my parents having sex

What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have?

The ones that roll-back.

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

What's easy on the eyes?

Dim light

I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am i ?

Ugly.

Glass eye joke

A joke from my granddad. Maybe his favorite. "A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker. The banker turns him down. The man ask 'Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye? The banker replies 'Yes. What made you ask that?' The man replied 'I thou...

Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle

and a lifetime ban from the zoo

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

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Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a $5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Because they can't stand seeing their man have a good time!

Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes

I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

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(NSFW) People are starting to inject Viagra into their eyes.

It doesn't do much for their dick, but it makes them look fucking hard.

Eyes

Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"

"Because she was looking from outside through t...

My Cross-Eyed G/F

I broke up with my cross-eyes girl friend the other day because we couldn’t see eye-to-eye

Then I found out she was seeing other people on the side.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

This high school guys was born without one of his eyes.

He was given a wooden eye as a prosthetic. His whole life he has been self concious about his wooden eye.

Eventually senior prom rolls around and he want to take someone out.

He sees a girls with a hair-lip. Thinking that she may also be self concious about her malformity, he thinks h...

Why do Pokémon have eyes?

So they can pikachu

My eyes light up when I hear a joke about water.

They love aqueous humour.

A hen laid eyes on some pieces of lettuce.

The chicken caesar salad.

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?

it means that you are flat chested.

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgu...

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There's a nerve that runs from your eyes to your anus called the eyenus nerve

If you pluck a hair from your ass you shed a tear.

TIL that black eyes are hereditary

You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.

What profession has the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

What’s red, white and blue, and brings tears to the eyes of many?

A bluejay in a blender.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

What do you call an alien with no eyes?

Alan

(This works better verbally...)

Eye

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye! "
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where? "

A man is walking through the park when he spots an elderly man crying his eyes out on a park bench...

Feeling empathic, he sits down beside the man, and tries to initiate conversation.


"Troubles with the wife?..." he asks gently
"W-Wife? No not at all, I have an amazing wife at home, she's a beautiful person, we've been married for fifty years, she's an amazing cook too!"
"Oh,...

My cross-eyed bull

Did I ever tell you about the cross eyed bull I bought?
I couldn't put it in the shows, at least, that's what I thought.

but a friend comes out and says, “hold on pard’ let me have a look.
them eyes ain’t that bad. Call up a vet.  His number's in the book.”

Well I didn't have...

I accidentally splashed pickle juice in my eyes

Now I'm brined.

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Two dudes with matching black eyes...

Two dudes with matching black eyes spot each other in a bar.

One man approaches the other and says, "I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours. How'd you get the black eye?"

The man responds, "It was a terrible mistake, really. I was trying to take the train to Pittsburgh this morni...

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