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Facial Jokes

What sort of facial hair does a soda grow?

A root beard

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

I used to hate facial hair....

But then it grew on me

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

How come Geronimo never had facial hair?

Cause he could only grow Apache beard!

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

A friend of mine asked if I thought hummus was able to be used as a facial exfoliation scrub.

I said to him "I've had a smashed chick pee on my face before it worked wonders can't see why it wouldn't here"

My wife asked me to wake her up with a facial tomorrow morning

7 a.m. on the nose.

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

What do you call angry facial hair?

Pistachio

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

People that grow facial hair as they get fatter

Are morebeardly obese.

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I had a mudpack facial done and for three days my face looked much better...

then the mud fell off.

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

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What did the blind prostitute say after receiving a facial?

“Well I certainly didn’t see that coming”

I'm not usually one for facial hair...

...but it's growing on me.

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Women who like facials must be a myth.

At least, I've never cum across one.

iPhone X has facial recognition.

It'll look at your face & tell you that you can't afford it.

What do you do first before going in for facial reconstructive surgery?

You pick your nose.

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case...

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

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TIFU by giving my boyfriend his first facial.

I probably should have told him I had a dick before that.

What do you call it when someone makes fun of your facial hair?

A side-burn

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

A police facial artist tried drawing a suspect's face...

It was a bit *sketchy*

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

Not sure how the iPhone X facial identification would work for my ex-girlfriend

Because she's so two-faced

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A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

My younger brother started letting his beard come in. He said "Man, having facial hair feels weird."

I told him "Yeah, it grows on you."

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My blonde girlfriend froze

In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper facial hair from my father...

why couldn't i be more like my mom?

Once upon a time there was a king...

... who used to be very lustful. He slept with many women in the kingdom. One day the prince was roaming around and stumbled upon a washerman's shop by the river. He saw a young boy washing clothes. Upon coming near the boy, the prince realised the boy has the same facial looks as him. He approached...

A big burly guy approaches a store clerk and asks to buy half a head of cabbage.

All they had at the time were full heads in cling-wrap. After a few back and forth, the clerk heads to the office exasperated and asks his manager. 'There's a 300-pound gorilla outside asking to buy half-a-head of cabbage'. From his manager's facial expression, he realized he's been followed. 'And t...

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

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3 men in a shipwreck drift upon an island

Upon searching the island, they find it's inhabited by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says, "go out and bring us 10 pieces of fruit or we will eat you". So each of the men goes looking for 10 pieces of fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The king of the cannibals says "now shove th...

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3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

What is the difference between Jesus and Casanova?

The facial expression when getting nailed.

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

How do you ID a person in a bukkake scene? [NSFW]

Facial recognition.

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

The biggest difference between men and women...

Is what comes to mind when the word "Facial" is used.

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

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A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were all stuck on an island with cannibals

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were all stuck on an island with cannibals. The cannibals said, "if you do what we say, we wont kill you". so the 3 girls followed the orders the cannibals.

So the cannibals said, "go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see".

So ...

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

Met a guy in a bar with a rabbit on his face. “What’s that?” I said..

“A facial hare” he replies

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

My girl doesn’t need an Iphone X

She already gets facial recognition

Men vs Women

One of the greatest differences between men and women is the reaction to the word "facial"

Mom, am I ugly?

"Of course not, honey. You have everything a man wants, a deep voice, broad shoulders, facial hair..."

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

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Burn unit

I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with facial burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed

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What is Vin Diesel's lovemaking style?

Pitch Black, Multi-Facial, XXX and Fast and Furious.

To every girl who complains about shaving their legs every now and then

You don't know the pain of shaving your facial hair every morning.


But neither do I.

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There was a girl at the lecture..

She was watching porn, but I could tell from her facial expression she didn't enjoyed it. She more like despised it and probably thought “I don't accept this, it cheapens women!".  She looked so angry that I turned towards her and said “If you don't like it, no-one is making you watch it. So please ...

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

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When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...

After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!

What do you get when you throw a rabbit at someone's head?

Facial Hare

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.

Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.

"What's your problem, old man?" yells t...

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