UPJOKE
faceforeheadnosefrontalabdominalpelvicanatomicalgenitalcosmeticscarfacevisagefacelesscountenancechincheek

Facial Jokes

A friend of mine asked if I thought hummus was able to be used as a facial exfoliation scrub.

I said to him "I've had a smashed chick pee on my face before it worked wonders can't see why it wouldn't here"

I used to hate facial hair....

But then it grew on me

My wife asked me to wake her up with a facial tomorrow morning

7 a.m. on the nose.

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

How come Geronimo never had facial hair?

Cause he could only grow Apache beard!

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

I had a mudpack facial done and for three days my face looked much better...

then the mud fell off.

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

A big burly guy approaches a store clerk and asks to buy half a head of cabbage.

All they had at the time were full heads in cling-wrap. After a few back and forth, the clerk heads to the office exasperated and asks his manager. 'There's a 300-pound gorilla outside asking to buy half-a-head of cabbage'. From his manager's facial expression, he realized he's been followed. 'And t...

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

Did you hear about the woman who went down on the dude with a painted face who only used his hands and facial expressions to communicate?

It was mime-blowing

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the blind prostitute say after receiving a facial?

“Well I certainly didn’t see that coming”

What do you do first before going in for facial reconstructive surgery?

You pick your nose.

What do you call the type of nut that has facial hair?

Moustachio

People that grow facial hair as they get fatter

Are morebeardly obese.

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

What do you call it when someone makes fun of your facial hair?

A side-burn

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women who like facials must be a myth.

At least, I've never cum across one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men in a shipwreck drift upon an island

Upon searching the island, they find it's inhabited by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says, "go out and bring us 10 pieces of fruit or we will eat you". So each of the men goes looking for 10 pieces of fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The king of the cannibals says "now shove th...

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

My dad said there's a throbbing pain coming from the facial hair above his upper lip.

It mustache.

Not sure how the iPhone X facial identification would work for my ex-girlfriend

Because she's so two-faced

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by giving my boyfriend his first facial.

I probably should have told him I had a dick before that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

iPhone X has facial recognition.

It'll look at your face & tell you that you can't afford it.

A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case...

A police facial artist tried drawing a suspect's face...

It was a bit *sketchy*

Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper facial hair from my father...

why couldn't i be more like my mom?

What do you call applause after a bukkake?

Facial recognition

How do you ID a person in a bukkake scene? [NSFW]

Facial recognition.

What is the difference between Jesus and Casanova?

The facial expression when getting nailed.

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My blonde girlfriend froze

In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

SHARE before this gets taken down! Reddit, Facebook, and YouTube have been REMOVING posts like this!

The GLOBALISTS and ILLUMINATI have placed facial recognition cameras EVERYWHERE to track you. The only way to stop their plan is to wear a face mask while out in public.

Pass it on!

The biggest difference between men and women...

Is what comes to mind when the word "Facial" is used.

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

An extremely handsome man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar and begins small talk with a few girls. He's charismatic and the girls love him. He talks most of the night away. But after a while another man enters. This man is rather ugly. Perhaps even hideous. Like God got drunk and began just throwing mismatched facial features onto an...

Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.



The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.

He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don't think of ...

3 guys are lost in the jungle, they are soon discovered by a tribe of cannibals and are taken back to their village...

...the chief gives them a task to avoid death. "Go into the jungle and pick 10 of the first fruit you find." The first man finds plums and brings back 10. The chief speaks, "You need to shove all 10 into your back exit without making a facial expression or you will be eaten alive." The man shoves on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals.

Soon enough they get caught. the leader tells them to go out into the woods and pick ten of any fruit they find then come back. The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader says to him "If you can stick all ten apples up your ass without making and sound or facial expression then you will be...

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a girl at the lecture..

She was watching porn, but I could tell from her facial expression she didn't enjoyed it. She more like despised it and probably thought “I don't accept this, it cheapens women!".  She looked so angry that I turned towards her and said “If you don't like it, no-one is making you watch it. So please ...

An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.

"What's your problem, old man?" yells t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wood eye. (NSFW) (Long)

There's a boy in high school, who was born without an eye so has a wood eye as a filler. He always gets made fun of at school for it in every class he has. When he gets home one day he mentions to his father that prom is that weekend and that he has no one to go with because no one likes him.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of a man and his pregnant wife

My wife is prego, but we like to get kinky anyway. One night things begin to get particularly saucy - I'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights. It's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period, I look up at her glassy, jarred facial expres...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of hundred dollar bills...

Guy asks the bartender, "What's the jar of hundred dollar bills for?"

Bartender says "Can't tell you until you've put in the cash."

Guy has a few beers, starts feeling ballsy, so he puts in the money.

Bartender tells him "So you can win this jar of bills, easily 10 grand, but yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...

After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.