UPJOKE
faceforeheadnosefrontalabdominalpelvicanatomicalgenitalcosmeticscarfacevisagefacelesscountenancechincheek

I used to hate facial hair....

But then it grew on me

My wife asked me to wake her up with a facial tomorrow morning

7 a.m. on the nose.

How come Geronimo never had facial hair?

Cause he could only grow Apache beard!

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

I had a mudpack facial done and for three days my face looked much better...

then the mud fell off.

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3 men in a shipwreck drift upon an island

Upon searching the island, they find it's inhabited by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says, "go out and bring us 10 pieces of fruit or we will eat you". So each of the men goes looking for 10 pieces of fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The king of the cannibals says "now shove th...

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Did you hear about the woman who went down on the dude with a painted face who only used his hands and facial expressions to communicate?

It was mime-blowing

People that grow facial hair as they get fatter

Are morebeardly obese.

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

What do you do first before going in for facial reconstructive surgery?

You pick your nose.

What do you call it when someone makes fun of your facial hair?

A side-burn

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

What is the difference between Jesus and Casanova?

The facial expression when getting nailed.

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

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What did the blind prostitute say after receiving a facial?

“Well I certainly didn’t see that coming”

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

What do you call applause after a bukkake?

Facial recognition

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Women who like facials must be a myth.

At least, I've never cum across one.

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

Not sure how the iPhone X facial identification would work for my ex-girlfriend

Because she's so two-faced

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TIFU by giving my boyfriend his first facial.

I probably should have told him I had a dick before that.

iPhone X has facial recognition.

It'll look at your face & tell you that you can't afford it.

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A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

A police facial artist tried drawing a suspect's face...

It was a bit *sketchy*

How do you ID a person in a bukkake scene? [NSFW]

Facial recognition.

What do you call a girl whose profile pictures are only facial close ups?

Fat.

A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case...

Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper facial hair from my father...

why couldn't i be more like my mom?

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

An airplane crashes on an uncharted island.

Out of everyone on board only 3 people survive, Bob, Jerry, and Rick. When they awake they have been captured by an indigenous tribe. As they beg for their survival the tribe leader speaks up.

Tribe leader: “you three have survived a big crash and are very lucky. As an act of mercy we will l...

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

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My blonde girlfriend froze

In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

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3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

An extremely handsome man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar and begins small talk with a few girls. He's charismatic and the girls love him. He talks most of the night away. But after a while another man enters. This man is rather ugly. Perhaps even hideous. Like God got drunk and began just throwing mismatched facial features onto an...

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

The biggest difference between men and women...

Is what comes to mind when the word "Facial" is used.

Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.



The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.

He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don't think of ...

3 guys are lost in the jungle, they are soon discovered by a tribe of cannibals and are taken back to their village...

...the chief gives them a task to avoid death. "Go into the jungle and pick 10 of the first fruit you find." The first man finds plums and brings back 10. The chief speaks, "You need to shove all 10 into your back exit without making a facial expression or you will be eaten alive." The man shoves on...

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Three men are trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals.

Soon enough they get caught. the leader tells them to go out into the woods and pick ten of any fruit they find then come back. The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader says to him "If you can stick all ten apples up your ass without making and sound or facial expression then you will be...

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A group of cannibals...

A group of cannibals just recently kidnapped three homeless men and took them to a secluded area of the woods. The head cannibal looks at all of the men and says "I order you to go into the woods and come back with ten of the same fruit". The men went off into the woods to look for fruit.
Later ...

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.

"What's your problem, old man?" yells t...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of hundred dollar bills...

Guy asks the bartender, "What's the jar of hundred dollar bills for?"

Bartender says "Can't tell you until you've put in the cash."

Guy has a few beers, starts feeling ballsy, so he puts in the money.

Bartender tells him "So you can win this jar of bills, easily 10 grand, but yo...

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There was a girl at the lecture..

She was watching porn, but I could tell from her facial expression she didn't enjoyed it. She more like despised it and probably thought “I don't accept this, it cheapens women!".  She looked so angry that I turned towards her and said “If you don't like it, no-one is making you watch it. So please ...

Met a guy in a bar with a rabbit on his face. “What’s that?” I said..

“A facial hare” he replies

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Wood eye. (NSFW) (Long)

There's a boy in high school, who was born without an eye so has a wood eye as a filler. He always gets made fun of at school for it in every class he has. When he gets home one day he mentions to his father that prom is that weekend and that he has no one to go with because no one likes him.
...

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The story of a man and his pregnant wife

My wife is prego, but we like to get kinky anyway. One night things begin to get particularly saucy - I'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights. It's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period, I look up at her glassy, jarred facial expres...

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Burn unit

I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with facial burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed

Men vs Women

One of the greatest differences between men and women is the reaction to the word "facial"

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