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Cheeky Jokes

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

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I woke up to a cheeky blow job this morning.

That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the y...

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Cheeky humor

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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Roadside cheeky-ness

A woman was stuck in a ditch and called a tow truck for help.

The truck arrives and the driver sticks his head out the window and says “Ma’am you are the third freshly fucked lady I’ve pulled out of a ditch today.“

“I am CERTAINLY not “freshly fucked!““ the woman replies indignantly.<...

Cheeky

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look ...

Cheeky old men

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond...

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What’s the difference between grabbing your wife’s butt and halloumi?

Ones is a cheeky squeeze, the other is a squeaky cheese.

I wanted to wish everyone here a happy Spanksgiving...

...but that would have been quite cheeky of me.

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

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Which Star Wars character would always sneak off set for a cheeky masturbating session?

Obi Wan Kernobi.

Was talking to an uncle of mine at a wedding

The night was getting on and we were each a couple pints deep.

My eyes were starting to wander and he caught me looking at a good looking girl with a fair bit of fake tan on

I look back and see him glance at her before giving me a cheeky wink

“Jeezus” he goes “ye young ones are ...

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It’s been a long week in the greengrocers ….

It’s been a long week in the greengrocers but it finally gets to Friday night and three best mates - a lemon, a potato and a pea - decide to have a couple of beers after work, as so often happens, soon they’re on a full on pub crawl...

They have a great night, hitting pub after pub , knocki...

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

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My mate said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"

“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

A man and a woman were out on a first date together.

Everything was going great and they were getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman commented on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thought quickly a...

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Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky....

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My wife said she wanted to try some domination in the bedroom.

Cheeky bitch slept with my pillow.

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I hate jokes about butts

They’re so cheeky

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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a shit on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

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My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers..

Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.

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I was throwing some old stuff away

So I called my local waste removal company and asked: Can I have a skip outside my house tomorrow? And the cheeky bastard said: you can cartwheel round the block any time for all I care.

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Apparently, sniffer dogs are great at finding drugs.

So when I was at the airport yesterday, I bent down and asked one of them where I could find some.

The cheeky bastard said nothing and now I'm in a prison cell.

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I made a chicken salad today.

Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it.

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What did the butt say to the other butt?

"May I ass you a question?"

"Oh, butt of course" said the other.

"You're really *behind* on this pun business"

"You're just scraping the *bottom* of the barrel now" said the other.

"Now don't get *cheeky* with me!"

NSFW While I was sitting in the bar one night drinking alone

A stunner of a woman walked up to the bar sat down right next to me. A booty to die for and rack that hadn’t fallen yet, I couldn’t help taking a glance at her. She smiled back at me, and not in an unkindly way.

I asked if I could buy her the next drink. She accepted. We started talking. She ...

I was walking around an art gallery with my wife.

"Does anything in this room get you excited?" she said, with a cheeky wink.

I said, "Yes, some of the paintings."

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

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A man was an the express checkout..

A man was at the express checkout for 5 items or less

The lady behind him looks into his basket and sees a box of beers and an Indian meal for one..

The man sees her peeking over so he looks into her basket and sees a bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one.

The man says to th...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is getting out....

All of a sudden they hear the doorbell ring, so his wife wraps a towel around herself and goes downstairs to answer the door. Standing outside is their next door neighbour, Bob.

Bob gets a cheeky look on his face and tells the woman that he'll give her $800 if she drops the towel. She thinks...

My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken

She had a cheeky nan dose

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A kid in a tracksuit called to my door last night and said “Trick or treat”

“Its not Halloween till Tuesday. What are you even supposed to be?”

“I’m a ware wolf” he said with a cheeky grin.

“But you’re not even wearing a costume”

“Well it’s not a fucking full moon yet dickhead” he said before kicking me in the shins and running away laughing.
...

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Celtic vs. Rangers

(Celtic and Rangers are rival Scottish football teams, the fans are *not* fond of each other.)

At the Celtic vs. Rangers match, Jimmy, a Celtic fan accidentally ends up with the Rangers fans.

To his bad luck, he is spotted just as Celtic score.
A huge, drunk and angry Scotsman walks...

The Tale of Arnold Chegwin

When Arnold Chegwin was a young man, he decided that he wanted to be a pub.
He loved the pub after spending time in his local, "The Queen's Arms". 'I'd love to be a pub', he would think.
With a roaring fire and everybody inside me laughing away...

As time passed and he grew older, he se...

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I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me...

..., My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable. It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, 'get that fucking trolley over here they're doing three crates of Stella for the price of two!!!!

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently.

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently. He requested for two masseurs, one for him and another for his wife.

After massaging the man for a long time, the Thai massuer said, "Massage pinis". He kept ghastly quiet pretending not to have heard it.

Again, the massuer repeated h...

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TV Licensing

Some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I had a cheeky listen, Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system...

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A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asks

“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s p...

The teacher, Miss Brown, goes to school in a mini-skirt

At some point, Little Matt whispers to his friend:

'I saw Miss Brown's thighs!'

Miss Brown hears the comment.

'You cheeky brat! Get out of here right now, I don't wanna see you for three days!'

A while later, Little Timmy whispers to his friend:

'I saw Miss Brown's...

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

Abraham Lincoln's favorite fart joke.

Well, there was a party once, not far from here, which was composed of ladies and gentlemen. A fine table was set and the people were greatly enjoying themselves. Among the crowd was one of those men who had audacity — was quick-witted, cheeky, and self-possessed — never off his guard on any occasio...

The Train Carriage Compartment

So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke.

Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark.

There's the sound of a loud ki...

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John is starting a small software company but has no capital

He gets a meeting with some important clients but they want to meet him at New York VIP bash that he can't possibly get into. He standing outside trying to think of a way to slip past the security when he sees Bill Gates. He goes over and says "You don't know me Mr Gates but I'm a big fan" He then e...

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A middle-aged woman saves money...

...for a plastic surgery. She wants to have a facelift. Finally, the big day arrives on her 47th birthday. It costs 5,000 dollars, but she feels like it was worth it. Her face is extremely beautiful and young again.

She wants to test it, though, so she goes for a walk in the city centre. She ...

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The fly and the Hunter(long)

One day, there was a fly, hovering just a couple inches above a stream. Wouldn't you know a fish was sitting just below the fly thinking to himself, "Hey! if that fly drops just a couple inches I'm gonna jump up and eat that thing"

As this was happening, a bear was watching the fish watch the...

The Head Teacher

Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils....

When i was in school there was this joke floating around.

Ok so i went to a roman catholic school and below is the layout of the foyer of my school from when I was young, the arrow indicates a statue of mother Mary and the direction in which she faces. The longer part of the picture indicates a path leading away from the foyer and the squiggly line indicat...

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