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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

What do you get when you cross a man with a beard?

Jesus.

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

I was unsure about growing my first beard

Then one day I looked into the mirror...It grew on me

How does the man on the moon cut his beard?

'Eclipse it!

At first I wasn't sure about my beard

But it grew on me

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard.

I said, “Who is this, grandpa?”

Grandpa: He’s my hip replacement.

I'm worried what i'll look like when my hairline recedes, so i decided to see what i'd look like with a beard.

I'm just trying to plan a head.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look li...

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

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My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who ...

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

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My wife said she would have anal sex after she shaved her asshole.

I didn’t know she hated my beard that much.

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

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[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

W: So Doc, what'...

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

Raggedy beards

When I was a kid, the only people with long, raggedy beards were the creepy guys outside my school that offered me free candy. Now that they’re in style, I don’t know who to get my free candy from anymore.

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

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Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gi...

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."

"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair betwee...

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa

I don't think he could pull it off very well

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

There's a name for people without beards

Women

Why do Arabs have long beards?

Because sometimes it's just hard to find a goat.

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

A man knocked on my door the other day with a beard.

No wonder I didn't hear him.

An Italian man was having trouble growing his beard.

So he did some research and found out he was native American.

So now when asked about his beard he says
"Eh.. It's just apache"

When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard

....But eventually it started to grow on me.

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

Did you hear about that guy who made millions of dollars by donating all his beard hair?

He shaved a fortune

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A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give y...

After a lifetime of a clean-shaven face, I wasn't sure I'd like having a beard.

But it grew on me.

What do neck beards call a disease?

M'alady.

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings?

His shavings account.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” ...

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch had stopped working.

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch had stopped working.

He looks around looking for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enters the store, to his surprise he does not see a ...

The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

I would shave my beard...

but it's kind of grown on me.

Why can't Black Beard use the N-word?

He always says it with a hard "arrr."

Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard!

Tell him I already have one.

I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the sec...

Why don't girls have beards?

It's in their "jeans" ;)

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

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