Then I said "Your beard makes you look thinner"

.....but that didn't seem to cheer her up

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

I tried growing a beard over lockdown but couldn’t pull it off.

Then I tried using a razor instead and that was much more effective.

I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered

"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.

"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

I wasn't sure about having a beard.

But now its really starting to grow on me.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

What did Black Beard's Otolaryngologist charge for his services?

A Buccaneer!

Who can shave ten times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

Not sure if I like having a beard, however...

It’s growing on me

What do you call a religious beard?

Faith-al hair.

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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"

The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard?

Same reason why he's called "Saint Nick".

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

What do you call a witch with a beard?

A wizard.

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What do you call a large bearded homosexual man with no teeth, who enjoys giving blowjobs?

A gummy bear.

To those bearded men in turbans who tried to convert me to your religion

You make me Sikh!

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

At first I didn’t want a beard

But it started to grow on me.

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

Why don't women have beards?

It's in their jeans.

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

Growing a beard is like driving a car

The first time it happens you're so excited and you think it's the coolest thing in the world, but then you have to keep doing it and eventually it becomes a big pain in the neck

I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard.

But, honestly, it's growing on me.

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

I hate it when people stereotype. Just because I'm wearing a turban and have a beard doesn't make me Muslim...

...Makes me Sikh!

I’m sporting a quarantine beard. I didn’t like it at first.

But it’s growing on me.

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

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A woman is looking around in a flea market.

A bearded man calls out to her, pointing out to a pair of sandals. "You look like the kind of woman who is sexually deprived, no?"

The woman, thinking about how long it had been since her husband made love to her, nodded. The man took her to a room behind his stall and said, "I give you trial...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

Sean Connery’s kids thought Jesus didn’t have a beard.

Because he always told them that Jesus saves.

My gf said, "I don't like beards"

Well then don't grow one!

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A hapilly married couple

So there's a couple who's hapilly married for 5 years now but recently nothing's been going on in the bed and the girl is worried that her man is either cheating on her or is planning to divorce her until one day he comes home and says.
-Get undressed and go to the bedroom
The girl, confused b...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

A robot walks into a barber shop.

The barber is shaving customer's beard when the robot enters and waves at him. The barber smiles and asks the customer: "See this robot? Guy thinks he's so smart, but lemme show you something. You'll be surprised how dumb these machines actually are."

"Hey, robot, look at me!" the barber says...

Moses, Jesus and a bearded old man are playing golf.

Moses hits a long one, but it rolls to a river. Moses raises his golf club, the waters part, and the ball rolls into the hole.

Jesus also hits a long one towards the same river, but just as it is about to fall into the water it stops and hovers above it. Jesus walks to the river, and chips it...

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

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The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"

My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

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What do you call a bearded man who makes vases?

A Hairy Potter

Credit to the guy who writes jokes on the whiteboard in my science class.

I was unsure about growing my first beard

Then one day I looked into the mirror...It grew on me

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look li...

If a bearded man makes vases...

Is he a hairy potter?

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

Many women object to the restaurant named ‘The Pink Taco’

Personally I would prefer “The Bearded Clam.”

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An engaged couple tragically die in a car crash and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter looks at the couple thoughtfully and replies,

“Yes, but it might take some time”

Three months later St. Peter comes back to the couple with a priest who soon marries them. A few thousand years pass and...

Some guy knocked on my door with a beard today

I'm surprised I heard him.

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

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My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

I'm worried what i'll look like when my hairline recedes, so i decided to see what i'd look like with a beard.

I'm just trying to plan a head.

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

Jesus, Moses, and a Bearded Man are playing golf

Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.

Next is Moses' turn. He hits the ball as hard as he...

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A girl wants to introduce her boyfriend, Maggot, to her parents

Maggot is this big biker dude. He has a leather vest, a bushy beard, and of course his pride and joy: a Harley-Davidson he keeps in pristine condition by polishing the chrome weekly and rubbing the saddle with vasoline whenever it rains.

So, at dinnertime, Maggot arrives at the parents' house...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.

Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just befo...

My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...

I guess he’s just trying to shave face

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

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A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who ...

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?

Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a restroom at a bar...

He's standing at the urinal and notices a very short guy at the urinal next to him. The little fellow is maybe three feet tall, wearing a green suit and hat, red hair and red beard... and hung like a horse.

The man says, "Excuse me, sir, you're quite unusual looking, what's your story?" The l...

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

My younger brother started letting his beard come in. He said "Man, having facial hair feels weird."

I told him "Yeah, it grows on you."

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together

They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4

Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just...

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf

Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it’s about to land in the center, it hovers above the surface. ...

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.

"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

Raggedy beards

When I was a kid, the only people with long, raggedy beards were the creepy guys outside my school that offered me free candy. Now that they’re in style, I don’t know who to get my free candy from anymore.

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