I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard.

But, honestly, it's growing on me.

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

A goat shaved away it's beard and remarked

Not by the glare of my chinny chin chin

I Didn't Like My Beard...

...but it grew on me.

I hate it when people stereotype. Just because I'm wearing a turban and have a beard doesn't make me Muslim...

...Makes me Sikh!

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard?

The barber.

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

Sean Connery’s kids thought Jesus didn’t have a beard.

Because he always told them that Jesus saves.

Exclaiming that this is what people will remember him by, pirate beardy beard hollowed out his peg and filled it with water.

It was his leg o’ sea.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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Little Timmy was sitting on the front porch with his grandpa when he saw the man take a sip of whisky.

Little Timmy looked up at him and said “Hey, PopPop?”

The grandpa looked down at him and asked “What’s on your mind, boy?”

“May I please have a sip of that whisky”? He pleaded.

Thoughtfully, the aged man stroked his beard and asked “Well, can your dick touch your butthole”?
...

I’m sporting a quarantine beard. I didn’t like it at first.

But it’s growing on me.

Why don't women have beards?

It's in their jeans.

Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"

My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

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While playing superhero's with my friend he told me his parents were transparent

I replied: "You mean invisible?" He said "No, my mom's beard is growing faster than my dad's tits".

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Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

Moses, Jesus and a bearded old man are playing golf.

Moses hits a long one, but it rolls to a river. Moses raises his golf club, the waters part, and the ball rolls into the hole.

Jesus also hits a long one towards the same river, but just as it is about to fall into the water it stops and hovers above it. Jesus walks to the river, and chips it...

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

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Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

Night on the town

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a
phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the
bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed
to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look ...

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Settling The Ultimate Debate (LONG, OC)

Jerry didn't really like his name, but it could have been much worse. He could have been named after his father Zorelle. Jerry had a dyslexic brother named Dave who worshipped Christopher Reeve and loved quoting the old Superman movies.

One day while in quarantine, Jerry was up early browsin...

I was unsure about growing my first beard

Then one day I looked into the mirror...It grew on me

How does the man on the moon cut his beard?

'Eclipse it!

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.

The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.

The second man has a purple jumpsui...

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

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A princess and her entourage are playing a truth-telling game.

She asks a knight if he has fathered any children. He looks down and says, “Alas, my Lady, I have not.”

The princess nods. “I believe it. You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress. Your beard is a mere fuzz, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pi...

Jesus, Moses, and a Bearded Man are playing golf

Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.

Next is Moses' turn. He hits the ball as hard as he...

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

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So a an America college kid goes to Dublin for spring break.

And he’s out at the pubs, just getting shitfaced.
He goes back to the bathroom to take a leak, and this little guy goes up to the stall next to him. Guys got red hair, a red beard, wearing a green suit with a vest, jacket, whole thing. College dude is staring, so he sees this little guy whip out...

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

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THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"



"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you ho...

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What do you call a bearded man who makes vases?

A Hairy Potter

Credit to the guy who writes jokes on the whiteboard in my science class.

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

A city boy wants to be a farmer.

A young city boy is tired of being cramped up in the city and wants a fresh start out in the green pastures of the country. He sells his belongings and heads to the outer reaches of his state and eventually finds work on a farm.

His first task was to successfully milk a cow. He has no id...

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

A guy is stranded on a deserted island with a famous supermodel.

##

Within a week the two lonely castaways are making love. Then, one day, the guy turns to the supermodel and says, “I was hoping you could do me a favor.” “Sure,” she replies. “First, put on my clothes,” he says. “Fine,” she says while getting dressed. “Great. Now draw a beard on your face ...

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(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)


He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

If a bearded man makes vases...

Is he a hairy potter?

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Toodles Beneventi

A family is having dinner on a Sunday. Everything is very proper and peaceful, dad is wearing his ironed shirt and a tie, mom is wearing her Sunday dress. The two teenage kids, a sixteen year-old girl and her fourteen year-old brother, are very well-behaved.

Suddenly, there is a knock on the ...

Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.

Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just befo...

My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

Golf Joke or Not

Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf. Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it’s abou...

My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. ...

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

I'm worried what i'll look like when my hairline recedes, so i decided to see what i'd look like with a beard.

I'm just trying to plan a head.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

I opened my fortune cookie and...

A neck-bearded incel jumped out.

I re-read the box and realised I'd bought 4Chan cookies...

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

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A husband and wife are both getting ready for work.

The husband says, "I have a meeting with my boss today" while shaving his beard. The wife replies "I do as well" while shaving her vagina

First Time at the Barber

I had never been to an actual barber before yesterday, I've grown my hair and beard out for the past several years for a few reasons, but mostly because up until a couple weeks ago I've been too poor to afford regular haircuts. I string enough jobs together working out of a labor pool to get by,...

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who ...

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

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Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gi...

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A woman goes to her doctor to get her third face lift.

The doctor says "I would love to help you but I can't recommend getting another one. You have had too many already."
The woman protests and wants to know why she can't get her favorite procedure done again.
"Look" says the doctor. "See that cute dimple on your chin? That's your belly ...

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are all golfing...

It’s a par 5 and Moses hits his tee shot first and it lands in the fairway.

Jesus hits his tee shot also in the fairway but a little further than Moses’s.

The old bearded guy steps up and shanks his tee shot way to the right. The ball bounces off a tree in to a pond where a turtle gr...

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together

They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4

Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just...

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

After a long engagement,

Peter and his wife, Mary had taken the step of matrimony.

One day, Peter and Mary sat down to discuss what traits they wanted their baby to have. After a long discussion, the couple decided that to be successful in life, their baby must be courteous to others and be the most polite person in...

Raggedy beards

When I was a kid, the only people with long, raggedy beards were the creepy guys outside my school that offered me free candy. Now that they’re in style, I don’t know who to get my free candy from anymore.

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” ...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

An Italian man was having trouble growing his beard.

So he did some research and found out he was native American.

So now when asked about his beard he says
"Eh.. It's just apache"

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