Then I said "Your beard makes you look thinner"

.....but that didn't seem to cheer her up

(A joke from ancient Rome) A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he's waiting a friend sees him and asks what he's doing. "I'm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in." Says the idiot. "No wonder people call you an idiot" says the friend... "How do you know it's not coming in from the other gate?"

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

At first I didn’t like my beard but after a few months

it’s really growing on me.

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doc...

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Who can shave ten times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

I wasn't sure about having a beard.

But now its really starting to grow on me.

I tried growing a beard over lockdown but couldn’t pull it off.

Then I tried using a razor instead and that was much more effective.

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

What did Black Beard's Otolaryngologist charge for his services?

A Buccaneer!

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A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck naked woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.

The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "

The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Ja...

Smells Good

My GF gave me a beard oil that feels good an smells great. More important, she gets very turned on by the aroma. Our make out sessions are amazing.

If it works so well for kissing, I wondered what would happen if I oiled my pubes?

So I oiled up and went to visit her. Told her I had a s...

Good old buddies...

John saw his old buddy Bill and smacked him in the back saying "Hey Billy boy, remember your old buddy John.., man you have become taller, and shed down few pounds and what about this beard?"

The guy said "excuse me, I do not know any Billy boy, my name is Peter"

John smacked again on ...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard?

Same reason why he's called "Saint Nick".

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

“Actually, no,” ...

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What do you call a large bearded homosexual man with no teeth, who enjoys giving blowjobs?

A gummy bear.

What do you call a religious beard?

Faith-al hair.

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A student aks a professor with a long beard.

- When you sleep do you put your beard under or over the blanket?

- I don’t know. What kind of question is that?

Next week professor runs to the student, punches him in the face and says.

- You son of a bitch! Before you asked me that stupid question I was sleeping fine!

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"

The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

What do you call a witch with a beard?

A wizard.

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

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The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

To those bearded men in turbans who tried to convert me to your religion

You make me Sikh!

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

Last supper

Last supper- the bearded man takes the bread and says- eat it, my body.
Last supper - the bearded man lifts up the glass of wine and says- drink it, my blood.
Every one eats and drinks
Bearded man lifts up a small bowl- mayonnaise anyone????


Got something new for an ex-Catholi...

miracle

One day in heaven, Saint Peter decided that it was time for a vacation, so he asked Jesus to watch the gates for him for a bit. The first day on the job Jesus saw an old man approaching. The man had white hair and a beard, and he looked somehow familiar. He spoke to the man and asked, "Have you been...

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

Chuck Norris

They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

Why don't women have beards?

It's in their jeans.

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

I hate it when people stereotype. Just because I'm wearing a turban and have a beard doesn't make me Muslim...

...Makes me Sikh!

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

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A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue.

A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not

The Queen nods in assent, saying “you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz tha...

Sons are all the same...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where ...

Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

Sean Connery’s kids thought Jesus didn’t have a beard.

Because he always told them that Jesus saves.

Moses, Jesus and a bearded old man are playing golf.

Moses hits a long one, but it rolls to a river. Moses raises his golf club, the waters part, and the ball rolls into the hole.

Jesus also hits a long one towards the same river, but just as it is about to fall into the water it stops and hovers above it. Jesus walks to the river, and chips it...

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look li...

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard.

But, honestly, it's growing on me.

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"

My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

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Guy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck, and washes up on a desert island.

The only thing to eat are coconuts, from a single coconut tree on the other side of the island. However, there's a dog guarding the tree, and every time the guy climbs the tree to get a one, the dog bites him on the ass.

For ten months, the guy has to deal with the dog, whenever he wants to ...

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Fish Joke

The Old Bearded Fisherman cast his line into the lake. Soon 3 young fish swam up, Eyeing the bait curiously. "G'mornin boys how's the water?" Said the old man. The 3 fish looked at each other and said,"What the fuck is Water?"

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

If a bearded man makes vases...

Is he a hairy potter?

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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What do you call a bearded man who makes vases?

A Hairy Potter

Credit to the guy who writes jokes on the whiteboard in my science class.

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

I was unsure about growing my first beard

Then one day I looked into the mirror...It grew on me

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who ...

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My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

Some guy knocked on my door with a beard today

I'm surprised I heard him.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

I'm worried what i'll look like when my hairline recedes, so i decided to see what i'd look like with a beard.

I'm just trying to plan a head.

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

Jesus, Moses, and a Bearded Man are playing golf

Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.

Next is Moses' turn. He hits the ball as hard as he...

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together

They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4

Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just...

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.

Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just befo...

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...

I guess he’s just trying to shave face

I never really liked beards...

But it seemed to grow on me

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf

Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it’s about to land in the center, it hovers above the surface. ...

My younger brother started letting his beard come in. He said "Man, having facial hair feels weird."

I told him "Yeah, it grows on you."

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

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