When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

I'm worried what i'll look like when my hairline recedes, so i decided to see what i'd look like with a beard.

I'm just trying to plan a head.

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

I didnt like my beard at first but

it has really been growing on me.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard.

I said, “Who is this, grandpa?”

Grandpa: He’s my hip replacement.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

My younger brother started letting his beard come in. He said "Man, having facial hair feels weird."

I told him "Yeah, it grows on you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said she would have anal sex after she shaved her asshole.

I didn’t know she hated my beard that much.

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.

My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look li...

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

W: So Doc, what'...

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa

I don't think he could pull it off very well

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who ...

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

Raggedy beards

When I was a kid, the only people with long, raggedy beards were the creepy guys outside my school that offered me free candy. Now that they’re in style, I don’t know who to get my free candy from anymore.

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gi...

A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."

"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair betwee...

An Italian man was having trouble growing his beard.

So he did some research and found out he was native American.

So now when asked about his beard he says
"Eh.. It's just apache"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

Why do Arabs have long beards?

Because sometimes it's just hard to find a goat.

A recent study has found that men with beards are more attractive

More great work from the University of Bob Seger

A man knocked on my door the other day with a beard.

No wonder I didn't hear him.

There's a name for people without beards

Women

Did you hear about that guy who made millions of dollars by donating all his beard hair?

He shaved a fortune

When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard

....But eventually it started to grow on me.

Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me.

Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “...

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

How do philosophers shave off their beards?

Occam's razor

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings?

His shavings account.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

THAT's how you do it!

So there's a couple that have been happily married for 30 years, except for one thing: the woman has never had an orgasm. So they visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor listens to their tale of woe, and says to the husband, "Here's what you do. Go to the gym and find a strapping young man....

Why can't Black Beard use the N-word?

He always says it with a hard "arrr."

I would shave my beard...

but it's kind of grown on me.

Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard!

Tell him I already have one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where ...

Why don't girls have beards?

It's in their "jeans" ;)

NSFW I'm not saying she's got a big coochie but...

....half way in an old man with a grey beard would not let me continue on until I answered three riddles.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied...

What happened when Red-Beard's ship and Blue-Beard's ship crashed into each other?

They were MAROONED!

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...