From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

I used to not like my beard

but it grew on me

My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

I didnt like my beard at first but

it has really been growing on me.

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard.

I said, “Who is this, grandpa?”

Grandpa: He’s my hip replacement.

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said she would have anal sex after she shaved her asshole.

I didn’t know she hated my beard that much.

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look li...

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

Raggedy beards

When I was a kid, the only people with long, raggedy beards were the creepy guys outside my school that offered me free candy. Now that they’re in style, I don’t know who to get my free candy from anymore.

My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa

I don't think he could pull it off very well

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who ...

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

W: So Doc, what'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gi...

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."

"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair betwee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

An Italian man was having trouble growing his beard.

So he did some research and found out he was native American.

So now when asked about his beard he says
"Eh.. It's just apache"

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

A recent study has found that men with beards are more attractive

More great work from the University of Bob Seger

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Oldest man on Earth

A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.

After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mounta...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A man knocked on my door the other day with a beard.

No wonder I didn't hear him.

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

Did you hear about that guy who made millions of dollars by donating all his beard hair?

He shaved a fortune

When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard

....But eventually it started to grow on me.

Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me.

Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.

There's a name for people without beards

Women

How do philosophers shave off their beards?

Occam's razor

So a chick walks into a tattoo shop.

She tells the tattoo artist "hey I want a picture of Axl Rose on my left inner thigh and a picture of Slash on my right inner thigh." So he begins to do the tattoos. When he's done he has her look down she says "sorry but this doesn't look like either of them." He says "okay let's go get a second op...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Stone-Age of Enlightenment

The year; 66 Million B.C.

September 23rd. Just after lunch, central standard time.


Three Neanderthals- Ogg, Grunk, and Louie were hunting mammoths and discussing the new sport that was taking the caves by storm. Ogg was filling the other two in on the details of the game, as they d...

Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings?

His shavings account.

The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, a...

Why can't Black Beard use the N-word?

He always says it with a hard "arrr."

I would shave my beard...

but it's kind of grown on me.

Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard!

Tell him I already have one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual formal dinner party. After much pleading, I was finally able to convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.

One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mo...

A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

Why don't girls have beards?

It's in their "jeans" ;)

What happened when Red-Beard's ship and Blue-Beard's ship crashed into each other?

They were MAROONED!

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

Friedrich Nietzsche Dies

As he ascends up to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism. He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says "I'm God, ...

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