If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

I'm worried what i'll look like when my hairline recedes, so i decided to see what i'd look like with a beard.

I'm just trying to plan a head.

I didnt like my beard at first but

it has really been growing on me.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

What does an African neck beard mosquito say?

M’laria

My friend visited me months after I moved and said “sweet beard”. I said...

“Thanks, it’s growing on me”.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to grow my beard long enough so that I can tie it around my dick and masturbate by nodding my head.

Meetings at work are going to be a real pleasure.

My younger brother started letting his beard come in. He said "Man, having facial hair feels weird."

I told him "Yeah, it grows on you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said she would have anal sex after she shaved her asshole.

I didn’t know she hated my beard that much.

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

I originally wasn't thrilled at my girlfriend's idea for me to have a beard...

But it's growing on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.

My grandpa just walked into the room with a young man wearing skinny jeans and a beard.

I said, “Who is this, grandpa?”

Grandpa: He’s my hip replacement.

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard...

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look li...

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

What disease do neck-beards get?

M’laria

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard...

He's a seasoned veteran.

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

Raggedy beards

When I was a kid, the only people with long, raggedy beards were the creepy guys outside my school that offered me free candy. Now that they’re in style, I don’t know who to get my free candy from anymore.

My friend glued a fake beard on to look like Jason Momoa

I don't think he could pull it off very well

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who ...

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

W: So Doc, what'...

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gi...

What do you call the first Neck beard Presidents wife?

First M'Lady

What's the difference between your beard and your ex?

Your beard always comes back (inspired by an oddly satisfying post)

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

An Italian man was having trouble growing his beard.

So he did some research and found out he was native American.

So now when asked about his beard he says
"Eh.. It's just apache"

A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."

"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair betwee...

A recent study has found that men with beards are more attractive

More great work from the University of Bob Seger

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The hardest part about having a beard

Washing the smell of pussy out of it everyday.

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

There's a name for people without beards

Women

They don't bury an Amish man with his beard.

They bury him with shovels.

What do you call someone with brown hair and a red beard?

"Chin"ger

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me.

Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to see the doctor and says," Doc, I have a rather embarrassing problem. You see, every time I look in the mirror I get an erection. Am I just too attractive? I'm really confused."

The doctor scratches his beard as he consults the chart, until he looks at the man over the rim of his glasses and says, "It's because you're a cunt."

How do philosophers shave off their beards?

Occam's razor

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard

....But eventually it started to grow on me.

What does a pirate's beard feel like?

Corsair.

(works better in a pirate accent)

The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

Pithy saying from my Dad....

When asked about growing a beard or mustache, his comment was...

"Why cultivate around your mouth what grows wild around your ass"

Why can't Black Beard use the N-word?

He always says it with a hard "arrr."

Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings?

His shavings account.

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With this whole glitter beard trend...

If Abraham Lincoln were to participate. Wouldn't he be...

**Abraglam Lincoln!?**

I would shave my beard...

but it's kind of grown on me.

Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard!

Tell him I already have one.

Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

Why don't girls have beards?

It's in their "jeans" ;)

What's the difference between your mom and shrek?

The beard.

What happened when Red-Beard's ship and Blue-Beard's ship crashed into each other?

They were MAROONED!

My son came into the room and said there was a man knocking the door with a beard.

That's probably why I didn't hear him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hard to tell apart

My friend told me that he was cheating on his girlfriend with her twin.

“How do you tell them apart?” I asked

He said “Sally is Blonde with nice tits and Steve has a beard”

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotchman are marooned on an island

John, Mick, and McTavish have been stuck on the island for a very long time, and all have grown long beards.

One day while exploring, John discovered an old type of lamp, like an oil lamp.

Mick saw it and said "It could be an ol' genie! rub it a few times"

John rubs the lamp thr...