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Cats Jokes

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked t...

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

Why are cats better than babies?

When you are done holding a cat you can just drop them.

Swimming Cats

An English cat named “OneTwoThree” and a French cat named “UnDeuxTrois” decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?

OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People always rant about their dogs or cats

BUT THE SECOND I TALK ABOUT MY COCK

Why do cats make the fluffiest omelettes?

They have the best whiskers

What's black, round, and f*cks cats?

Dunlop radials.

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

What do chinese cats say?

Neow

Two cats decided to have a swimming race across the English channel

The English cat's name was One-Two-Three, and the French cat's name was Un-Deux-Trois. They both swam as fast as they could across the Channel, but in the end, the One-Two-Three cat was declared the winner because.....

the Un-Deux-Trois cat sank! (quatre cinq)

Why are cats so relaxed?

Because they live in the meow.

Cats are better than dogs

>!No way a cat would ever work for the cops.!<

Cats vs Dogs

a dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favorite of humans.

the dog says, "humans like us more, they have even named a tooth after us, the canine tooth. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more."

the cat slowly smiles and says, "you're reall...

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

I have never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

What scam do cats always fall for?

Fishing links

What political affiliation are cats?

Miaoists

Two cats--one English, one French--held a swimming race across the English Channel.

The English cat was named One Two Three; his French competitor was named Un Deux Trois.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum

[Bartender pours it]

[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]

Cat: Another.

Why aren't cats allowed in astrophysics

It'd be a catastrophe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say "it's raining cats and dogs"...

but I still can never seem to get myself any pussies or bitches

Three cats are hanging out one evening just shooting the breeze.

The first one says, “I really like milk.” The second one chimes in “I couldn’t agree more. There’s nothing quite like a good bowl of milk.” The third cat says, “I don’t know - I hear that water is better to drink than milk and costs less too.”

The first cat says, “OK, but I’m sure we all a...

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

what's a cats favorite condiment?

Mayo

What religion do cats believe?

Cat-tholism

Why can’t cats drive boats in Germany?

Because it’s Fur Boatin’

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

People who don’t like cats

Just haven’t had them cooked right.

the US navy intercepted russian intelligence on cats

It described training tactics on how to use cats to pilot miniature sub marines. Thus the US started training dogs to counter such a tactic. These dogs were called sub woofers.

I accidentally took my cats meds last night.

Don’t ask meow.

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket?

In the FEE-line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Radioactive Cats

They have 18 half lives


*I know its shitty, my teacher told me it and i just had to post.*

^(I'll leave now)

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

What language do cats speak?

Purrsian

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

Where do music loving cats go to for vacation

Sing-a-purr
(I know it’s cheap, I’ll see myself out)

I ran the double slit experiment a dozen times with two of Schrodinger's cats.

Now my lab is full of interfering kittens..

In Schrodinger's time, was it considered ethical to use live cats in physics experiments?

Well -- it was and it wasn't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Where do cats keep their lipstick?

In their purrrs.

I asked my cats "what's five minus five?",

they said nothing.

Did you know cats can jump higher than houses?

It's due to they way their hind legs are built and they can generate so much forced with them and also because house can't jump.

Cats don't go missing

They take time off from you.

What’s a cats favorite color?

Purrrple!


(Told by my 5yo niece.)

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Cat's playing football

A man went to the doctor and told him:

"Hey doc, every night I see this dream where a bunch of cats are playing football"

The doctor replied, "hmm, this is weird"

The man said: "Yeah, what should I do?"

The doctor answered: "OK, you should skip sleeping tomorrow, and then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having cats is kinda like being Louis CK ..

.. you always have an audience to masturbate to.

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