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A man drinking in a bar pukes on his shirt

. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, ...

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Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

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A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

A guy had an eagle. One day it was sick. It puked everywhere and wouldn’t stop. Worried, the guy called the vet. Instead of the vet, the cops came and took it away.

Cos it was Ill-eagle.

A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and s...

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A man wakes up in bed after a night of hard boozing...

His first thought is that he's in big trouble with his wife, but she waltzes into the room with a sunshiny grin and hands him a tray loaded with breakfast in bed. While he's eating, she slips under the covers and gives him a deliriously good blowjob.

"I don't get it, honey," the guy says. "I...

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Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

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Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her "If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?" Mother in-law yells "the mother!"

Wife - "Then come clean up your drunk son!"

Little Tim

Little Tim went with his mom to church every Sunday. One morning in the middle of the service Tim complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. “No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and ...

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An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

My fiance got mad when I used the word puke.

But to me, that is what her dinner tasted like.

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A man is drinking at a bar when his buddy pukes all over his shirt.

“My wife is going to kill me,” he says. “She told me not to get so drunk that you throw-up on yourself again.” “Not to worry, mate” his buddy says as he puts $20 in his shirt pocket. “Tell your wife I did it and gave you $20 for the cleaning.” When the man gets home, his wife meets him at the door...

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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

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A guys says to another: "Gay people make me puke!“

The other one replies: "Well, not everybody can take deepthroat."

Did you hear about the incomplete puke?

It was missing all the bits and pieces

There is only one mother

Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundr...

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Once there was a man who went to the bar often.

He would always come home drunk, and his girlfriend had enough of it. One night, after the man had come home (drunk, of course), his girlfriend said "If you come home drunk *one more time*, I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

The next night, the man goes to the bar, and after a few hours of...

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Chandrasekhar’s First Day at School in America

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said “Give me liberty, or give me death”? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: ...

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Two buddies were getting drunk together.

One drink too many one of them rushes to the bathroom and moments later comes out with his shirt covered in vomit.

"Jesus Steve, what happened to you?" Asked his buddy.

"Ah, shit I puked all over myself, my wife is going to kill me when she finds out I messed up my nicest shirt from dr...

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Off the wagon

So this guy got sober for his wife...he was doing great...going on two years...one day he gets to work and there’s a pink slip waiting for him...on his way home he walks by his old bar and thinks fuck it...I’m gonna have one drink...he goes in and all his old buddies are there he has one drink and t...

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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick.

The bartender gives him one, and the guy leaves. "Odd, but okay," the bartender thinks.

A minute later, another guy walks into the bar, and asks for a toothpick. Again, the bartender gives him one, and he leaves. "Strange..." the bartender thinks.

A minute later, yet another guy walks ...

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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Gay men make me puke.

But, maybe I should stop deep throating so far...

Guy calls his buddy and says, "Hey man, I'm throwing a party this weekend!"

"Gonna get a case of beer; what are you thinking?"

Buddy responds, "Anything but Heineken is cool with me. Drank a case of Heineken last weekend, and I blew chunks."

Guy says, "Dude, drinking a whole case of anything is going to make you puke."

Buddy responds, "No, man, you don'...

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A man gets so drunk at a bar that he pukes on his shirt.

The man says to the bartender, "Oh no! My wife is going to kill me! I wasn't supposed to get drunk tonight! Now she'll know for sure!" The bartender says, "Hey! No worries! Here's $5 dollars." He puts $5 in the man's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife that some other guy puked on your shirt and gave you ...

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A man walks into a bar, gets way too drunk, and ends up puking all over his shirt.

He says "Shit. If I go home like this, my wife is gonna be pissed."
The bartender tells him "Here's what you do. Put a 10 dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that some drunk guy puked on you, and he felt so bad that he gave you 10 dollars so you could get your shirt cleaned."
The man...

Why was the wall covered in puke after a party?

It got plastered.

Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.

This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.

My dad came home drunk last night and started telling me jokes. They all sucked, but as he was telling the last joke he puked up on the punchline.

It was the sickest joke I've ever heard!

The new teacher is asking kids about their parents.

Teacher says "Suzie what does your daddy do?"

Suzie says "My daddy drives a truck."

Teacher says "Mikey what does your daddy do?"

Mikey says "My daddy is an accountant."

Teacher says "Joey what does your daddy do?"

Joey says "My daddy is a police officer."

T...

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Prisoners escape, end up at old ladies house... With a twist.

These 3 prisoners escape from jail and ran to the nearest house. They knock on a door and a sweet old lady walks out.

Lady: Hello

Prisoner 1: Lady please let us inside. PLEASE.

Prisoner 2: There are cops are outside searching for us.

Lady: Well ok, only on one condition.<...

What do you call when a Programmer pukes at IHop?

A Stack Overflow

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A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

I hate puke...

It's a bile substance

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A guy gets drunk at a bar and pukes on his shirt...

..."Oh man," he says, "this shirt was expensive, my wife is going to kill me!"

The bar tender says to him,

"Look, here's what you do. Put $10 in your shirt pocket and tell her that some other guy puked on you, and then gave you the $10 to have the shirt cleaned."

The guy replie...

A joke my grandpa told me

I was in the army a few years ago i was walking by the medical tent when this guy said he got hi toes blown off by a mine and asked if i wanted to see them i agreed. He took off his boot and i puked everywhere he said what's wrong boy you lack toes intolerant

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

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So there's this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced

Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He's yells out "oh fuck, not again, my wife is going to kill me."

Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his...

I nearly puked on my girlfriend, but she moved out of the way just in time

She ducked my sick

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

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A Man at a Bar Throws Up All Over Himself

A man was at a bar, drinking beer after beer until he was sick and involuntarily threw up on himself. Disgruntled, he went to the bartender for help.

"Man, my wife is gonna kill me if she finds out I got so drunk that I threw up on my shirt. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"I...

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Met a lady at a bar one night and after flirting a bit I suggested she comes to my house to suck my dick.

Only after dodging my puke did she realise I was dyslexic

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Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

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A guy opens a restaurant in a new city

He comes to meet the small grocery stores and meets the lady :

I need dog food. It's for my dog.

The lady refuses at first, and tells him she wants to see the dog to be sure he won't give the dog food to his customers. The guys leaves, comes back with a dog, and the lady, angrily, give...

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A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover

He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note.

The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". <...

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A guy goes to a bar..

A guy calles up his best friend and asks him if he wants to go out for a drink. They both later meet up at a bar and start drinking. After having one too many beers one of the guys goes and throws up on his shirt. He frantically says to his best friend, "my wife is going to kill me if she knew that'...

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A man wakes hungover

A man wakes up in his bed with a terrible hangover. He looks to his bedside table and finds some ibuprofen and a glass of water. He glances around the bedroom and sees that it is cleaner than usual and his work clothes are laid out. He pops the ibuprofen and washes it down with water, and finds a no...

All the good stuff is gone

A bartender was closing the bar down for the night when he hears a knock on the back door. He opens the door to a homeless man and asks "How can I help you?" The homeless man asks the bartender if he can have a toothpick. The bartender looks perplexed and says sure. So he gives him a toothpick. The...

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Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can ...

Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.

He tried to go to th...

Drunk buddies

Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon , were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that some...

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[NSFW] Sad life.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, his owner beats him habitually and he pukes all over himself.

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

A man goes to a bar with his friend after a day of work.

After a couple of beer, the man pukes on his jacket.

Man : Damn, my wife will kill me when she knows I puked on myself for drinking too much!

Friend : Hey, I got an idea.... put a $20 bill in the pocket of your jacket. Tomorrow, when your wife sees the mess, tell her that I puked on yo...

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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

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Party guy

A guy goes out after work with some buds. An hour in and his friend notices all he's drinking is ginger ale.

"What's up with this?"

"Aww, I have to stay straight. Every time I get shit-faced, I end up vomiting all over myself and my wife knows I've been out drinking with the boys."...

Bowl of Chili (from Jackie the Joke Man)

A guy walks into a diner and sits down at the counter. A waitress comes up to him and asks "What'll ya have?"

He sees a sign on the wall for a hot bowl of chili for $5. He asks the waitress for a bowl of the chili.

"I'm sorry," she says, "but I just sold the last bowl to the gentlema...

A night of drinking

After a night of heavy drinking at the bars, 3 girls meet up the next day to recall their drunkin night

Girl 1: I was so drunk last night when I got home I blew chunks for hours!

Girl 2: That’s nothing! When I got home I couldn’t even make it to the toilet and threw up all over my bath...

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A man goes to a party with his friends

He is having a good time and drinking shots. Halfway through the night he ends up throwing up on his shirt. He starts freaking out and says “guys, what the hell do I do. I told my wife that I would get to wild tonight and I can’t go home covered in puke”
One of his buddies tells him” that’s easy...

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A guy is in a bar after work getting drunk when he throws up on himself.

He says to the bartender "*what am I going to do? My wife says if i came home drunk one more time she was kicking me out!"*

Bartender says, *"No worries, seen this before. Take $20 out of your wallet, put it in your jacket pocket. Tell your wife you were just having a couple of drinks, that's...

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A man goes out to the bar woth his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink.

A man goes out to the bar with his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink. All night long his friends try to convince him to drink with them and get a cab later. He finally relents and starts taking shots.

Pretty soon he catches and surpasses his friends. He gets so drunk that he throw...

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

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A guy is out drinking with his friends on his birthday...

...and he ends up ridiculously wasted and throws up all over his shirt.

His friends are laughing, but he looks upset. "I can't go home like this, my wife already thinks I drink too much, she'll be pissed when she sees this..."

His best friend, thinking quickly, tells him to stick a $20...

Old man Harvey was a drinker

He would drink everyday, stumble home each night and vomit in the sink. Mrs. Harvey was tired of finding and cleaning puke in the sink every morning and was telling her neighbor about it.

Her neighbor told her to catch one of the stray cats from around the house and kill it, then put the gut...

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A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

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First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country.
She orders the chicken and starts to eat.
Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking,
so they get up and go over to...

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A man walks into a diner and orders a burger and fries

While waiting he sees another man with a delicious looking bowl of chili, but the other is looking disappointed. He asks the man if he'd like to trade food when his burger comes, to which the other man agrees.

When their orders come the trade and start eating their meals. The first man thinks...

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

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A Cucumber, Banana and a Penis are having a conversation...

The Banana says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big and grown up my skin gets ripped off and I am shoved into a dark cave before being crushed to pieces."



The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? As soon as I get big and grown up, they slice me up and put me in...

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A man goes out to meet an old friend.

This friend is his drinking buddy from back in the day when he would get blackout drunk. They meet at a bar, and the man immediately tells his friend that he can't drink.

Man: I can't get drunk like I used to, my wife would kill me.

Friend: Aww come on. It will be just like old times...

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A doctor started a clinic in a small town.

He told everyone in the town: "With the low price of 50 dollars, I can cure any types of diseases! If I can't, I'll pay you 100 dollars instead!"

So a man thought this is a great opportunity to earn some extra cash. So on the day the clinic opened he walk into the clinic. He says to the docto...

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My uncle Marty's drivin' home, right?

My uncle Marty's
drivin' home, right?

Bombed out of his tree, right? Just
hammered out of his gourd. Just wrecked.

This state trooper sees him, pulls him
over. So my uncle's fucked basically.

Got him out of the car,
tryin' to make him walk the line.

He gets ou...

Tony walked into a bar in Texas…

And he saw a sign that said: “WIN $10,000!” He asked the bartender, “How does this contest work?” The bartender replied, “You have to eat the entire pot of chili from two years ago” and he points to a smelly old pot in the middle of the counter. “How much to try?” Tony asked. “$10.00” the bartender ...

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Two guys are getting really drunk at a bar...

...and one of them proceeds to vomit all over his own shirt.

He says to his friend, "Aww man. My wife is going to kill me. She's going to be so pissed that I got so drunk tonight."

His friend says, "Don't worry I have a plan ."

He tucks a $20 bill in the man's shirt pocket an...

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Two soldiers are walking through a forrest.

They’re both starving and searching for food, when they come to a crossroads. They agree, that each will go down one path and look for food. After about an hour they meet back at the crossroad. One of them is empty-handed, but the other one is holding a helmet full of macaroni with bits of meat. The...

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The hangover

A guy wakes up with a horrible hangover after a bender. Can barely open his eyes. Head pounding. Stomach churning.

He looks around, and with some relief realizes that he’s at home, in his bed. There’s a glass of water and two aspirins on his night stand, along with a note from his wife: “Dar...

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