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We adopted this dog. She's a kinda mean. Always growling at people. We named her Payback.

And Payback can be a real bitch.

What did the cop say when their stomach started growling?

Stop! You're under a vest.

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

My dog kept growling at my girlfriend's toddler when he would punch him or pull his fur. It broke my heart to get rid of him

But now the problem is keeping the dog from digging him up.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if y...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.


The next day he tries again, but the dog i...

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A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

I can hear my cat's stomach growling in D#...

I better get him a tuna.

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

A man is stranded on an island

A man is stranded on an island with only a sheep and a dog for company. After a while he begins to feel the need for some physical contact and he starts eyeing up the sheep. However every time he tries to make a move on said sheep, the dog becomes extremely aggressive growling and barking at the man...

Dry humor about water.

So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.

One says, "Hey, go fetch some water to drink."

So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water. He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!

The guy drops...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, “what is that jar for?” The bartender replies, “its for a contest, the person who wins gets all the money. First you have to beat that guy up” and he points to a buff guy in the corner. “Then, I have a bulldog with a tooth that’s been killing him. You have to pull it out. Then...

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

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I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $100 dollar bills.

He asks the bartender what's with the jar?

Bartender tells him you won all the money if you complete the challenge, but I won't tell you what it is untill you put your $100 into the jar.

The man is so curious about the challenge, then after a few drinks he says.
"Fuck it!"
Then ...

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A man walks in a bar...

A man walks in a bar, and sees a jar of money on top of the bar. He asked the bartender "What's that money for?". The bartender tell him "that's the pot". The bartender pours the man a drink and begins to tell him about the jar. The bartender says "You put $20 in the jar and you have a chance to win...

What do midwives and postmen have in common?

They should both back away if they hear growling comming from inside.

I was out walking in the forest one day

Suddenly, i hear the crunch of a branch being snapped.

I turn a round, and, omg, facing a bear!


I start running, but i dont get far until its on me! It slaps me to the ground, growling!

I pray that this isn't the end when... the bear hugs me gently.

Turns out its a bi...

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A man walks into a bar

And on the bar is a bucket of money. He asks the bar tender, what's the deal with the bucket of money? The bar tender says we have a challenge here, for $50 you can try the challenge to win the money... First you must drink a bottle of hot sauce. Then out back we have pitbull with a bad tooth. You h...

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A man is walking past a bar when he sees a sign for a challenge to win a free car

He goes inside the bar and asks the bartender what the challenge is to win the free car.

The bartender lays out the challenge. "First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey without making a single face. Second, there is an alligator in the back room with a sore tooth, remove it. Thir...

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A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

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You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

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Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"

The planchette doesn't move.

Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"

The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.

After an uncomfortable fe...

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Divorcee

Heard this from a friend a couple years back...

A man named Ted has recently been divorced. It was ugly; his wife got the dog, the nice house in the suburbs and the car, and Ted is forced to stay in a shitty motel in an even shittier part of town. Depressed and with nothing left to lose, Ted...

A man, a dog, and a sheep are washed up on an island...

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the bre...

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So a guy walks into a bar for a beer

Sits down and spots a jar full of 20$ notes , he asks the bartender what it was for and the bartender explains that if anyone does the 3 bar challenges , they would get the jar as a reward . So the man asks what the challenges were and the bartender starts explaining ...
1. You have to go knock o...

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Another bar joke...

Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.

Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."

"What's the contest?" the man asks.<...

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A man, a dog, a bears nuts.

One night Mr jones had terrible trouble getting to sleep due to loud banging noises and scuffling coming from his roof. In the morning he ventured outside, looked up and saw that a very large, very angry looking bear had climbed onto his roof and was wandering around growling and battering at the c...

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A guy walks into a bar...

and takes a seat next to a huge jar filled with 5 and 10 dollar bills. The guy asks the bartender what the money is for. The bartender tells the man that he has three tasks and if he does them all he gets the money. The guy asks what the first task is and the bartender pulls out a bottle of Tabasco ...

A man sees a pickle jar filled with money

A man goes into a bar for a drink. He gets a few beers and then sees a pickle jar behind the bar filled with 10 dollar bills, he asks the bartender "What's with the money in that jar?". The bartender replies, "It's a challenge we have in here, everyone puts in 10 dollars and then tries their hand at...

A man walks into...

a bar, and immediately walks up to the bar. He notices a large jar of cash placed on the bar that is oozing 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it is for. To which the bartender replies; "It is the challenge jar. If you're feelin' froggy you can place a 20 in there, and I'll give you three c...

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A man is lost in the forest and stumbles upon a hotel.

Tired, lost and hungry; a John has been wandering through the woods for what has felt like days. He stumbles upon a strange house and feels a deep sense of relief as he notices a light is on.

He knocks and a peculiar looking old man opens the door.

"Please. Please. I am lost and hungry...

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