A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

What sounds do lasers make in a church?

Pew pew pew!

I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

I just saw a sign that said "laser hair removal 50% off"

I guess that might be acceptable for some people, but I want it 100% off if I'm paying for it.

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

Laser joke

A blue laser hertz twice as much as a red laser.

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

Last year, I got laser eye surgery, and I've never looked back.

I couldn't do that before either, so I kind of saw it coming.

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

What did the laser say when it got turned off?

I couldn't tell, it was so upset that it was inchoerent.

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. (Long)

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. He sat amidst billions upon billions upon billions, which surrounded him. He alone, at the end of time, bore witness to the Great Library, the vast repository of consciousness in Universe.

Before him was a pile of similar cubes. These cub...

Who‘s gonna win the Euro 2020 finale?

Depends on how many lasers the crowd brings

I took my epileptic cousin to his first laser show.

He was literally shaking with excitement.

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

What the hell is Laser Hair

And why does everybody want it removed.

Saw an ad for 50% off laser hair removal

Why stop at half? Might as well get the whole thing done.

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Aliens

A ship with 2 martians on board departed Mars and set out for earth. The martians arrived to earth very late at night, and landed at a gas station. The 2 martians got off the ship, and began to ask the gas pump questions. “What’s your name” one Martian asked. No reply. “How old are you”... still no ...

My wife had laser eye surgery last week

Turns out her vision was initially worse than we knew. But it’s 20/20 now and she’s looking forward to staying friends.

I just got laser eye surgery and I can't help but feel cheated

Because I still can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

How is a laser gun like a church?

They go “pew pew pew”

Someone used a cane to point out stuff instead of a laser pointer during a presentation today.

He asked for feedback on his presentation.

I said it was fantastick

Star Wars and Giant Space Lasers

Still a better love Story than twilight

When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

So now I’m banned from going to the laser tag fun center

They said I’m not allowed to use melee attacks

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

Scientists created the first white laser.

They were fired for racism and hate speech.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

A supervillain and his henchman are sitting in the control room in the supervillain's volcanic lair.

Suddenly alarms start going off all over the place.

Supervillain: "What the heck is going on? Are the sharks with lasers loose again? Is it the IRS? Is there a leak in the reactor?"

The Henchman looks behind him to see a chair melting into the ground. "No, sir, the flaw is lava."

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

Cats and girls

A cat chasing lasers is like me chasing girls.
I never get em.

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

A Jedi is fighting...

A Jedi is fighting some clone troopers when suddenly he drops his laser sword in the heat of battle. Luckily it comes back to him, seemingly of its own accord. After he has won, he looks down at his weapon with amazement, and says “thank you, you’re a LIGHTSABER!”

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,

"Photons matter!"

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

What's the similarity between kids and tattoos

They are both permanent and can be removed with lasers.

Guy walks into a store in the US

He says, "I want a high-powered sniper rifle, a scope, a laser sight, and 2000 rounds of ammunition. And I need my anti-psychotics refilled."

The clerks says, "Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! You can't just buy drugs without a prescription!"

The Art Thief

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ...

Hello, Tech Support?

How do I set my laser printer to stun?

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Did you know?

Did you know?
Using laser beam machining, we can drill holes of diameter 0.005mm

Finally we know how to make a hole for size of your penis.

Irish Wargames

In light of the present threat created by North Korea, the Irish army decided to conduct the largest military exercise ever in it's history. The entirety of its armed forces were split between the north and south of the island. This is the story of the North Irish 5th infantry battalion.
Each sol...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

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Two aliens arrive at a gas station...

When they land one of the aliens says "Take me to your leader." To a gas pump and the other alien says "Dude I don't think you should mess with him he looks like a badass." The 1st alien persists, "I said take me to your leader!" The 2nd alien says, " Man I'm being serious you should leave him alone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods...

A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods with their dogs on a duck hunting trip.

Suddenly, a group of ducks fly up into the air. The doctor pulls out his precision rifle...BANG! BANG! BANG! Three ducks fall from the sky. The doctor yells "Scalpel, fetch!". His dog runs up...

I've got one hell of a watch dog.

He watches me eat, he watches my food on the stove, he watches me cook. He watches his bed. He watches the laser.

He's a real good watcher.

I have a fear of dying from unnatural causes.

I mean think about it like this, two guys are in heaven are talking about how they died.

Guy 2: How'd you die man?

Guy 1: Well after a strong 88 years, I decided I'd let myself succumb to the cancer I had been battling for 11 years. What about you?

Guy 2: Giant nuclear laser bla...

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.

At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and ask...

My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted.

Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.

You can tell a lot about a person by their house

Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush

In hopes to try to get some free advertising a Department store holds an event for Single ladies that want to meet that "it" guy

On the main floor 1000's of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 70...

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X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

I'm trying to teach my cat Java programming...

But he keeps complaining about a `NullLaserPointerException`.

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