UPJOKE
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Laser joke

A blue laser hertz twice as much as a red laser.
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As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”
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A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.
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What did the laser say when it got turned off?

I couldn't tell, it was so upset that it was inchoerent.
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I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
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I just had laser eye surgery…

It was an eye opening experience.
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What the hell is Laser Hair

And why does everybody want it removed.
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I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers
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How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
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What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena?

Pew! Pew! Pew!
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Two conspiracy nuts end up at the gates of heaven before God



God says to them "You may ask any question of me."

The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land?

God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change."

The fir...
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What sounds do lasers make in a church?

Pew pew pew!
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There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.
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A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.
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I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately
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I took my epileptic cousin to his first laser show.

He was literally shaking with excitement.
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Last year, I got laser eye surgery, and I've never looked back.

I couldn't do that before either, so I kind of saw it coming.
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I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020
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I just saw a sign that said "laser hair removal 50% off"

I guess that might be acceptable for some people, but I want it 100% off if I'm paying for it.
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Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.
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A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

Someone used a cane to point out stuff instead of a laser pointer during a presentation today.

He asked for feedback on his presentation.

I said it was fantastick
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Saw an ad for 50% off laser hair removal

Why stop at half? Might as well get the whole thing done.
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I was worried if my laser eye surgeon was going to be any good.

But I can’t see any problem now.
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Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses
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My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.
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I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
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A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...
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So now I’m banned from going to the laser tag fun center

They said I’m not allowed to use melee attacks
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Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...
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A burglar broke into our house last night…

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)
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What do tattoos and children have in common?

Both can be removed by a laser
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What's the similarity between kids and tattoos

They are both permanent and can be removed with lasers.
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Hello, Tech Support?

How do I set my laser printer to stun?
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A Jedi is fighting...

A Jedi is fighting some clone troopers when suddenly he drops his laser sword in the heat of battle. Luckily it comes back to him, seemingly of its own accord. After he has won, he looks down at his weapon with amazement, and says “thank you, you’re a LIGHTSABER!”
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While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,

"Photons matter!"
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A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key
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A supervillain and his henchman

Were sitting in the control room in their secret base, inside an active volcano.
Suddenly, an alarm starts blaring in the control panel.
Supervillain: "What is going on? Are the sharks with lasers escaping? Is the T-rex eating the robot dogs again?"
The henchman look behind them to see la...
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Cats and girls

A cat chasing lasers is like me chasing girls.
I never get em.
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One of my friends convinced me to make a vision board

When I finished it he looked at it for a minute and said "You envision yourself as a Jedi, fighting off giant mutant squid, armed with lasers?"

"When I take enough Peyote and LSD, that's one of my tamer visions."
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My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted.

Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.
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The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.

At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and ask...
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I've got one hell of a watch dog.

He watches me eat, he watches my food on the stove, he watches me cook. He watches his bed. He watches the laser.

He's a real good watcher.
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How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...
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The Art Thief

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ...
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Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods...

A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods with their dogs on a duck hunting trip.

Suddenly, a group of ducks fly up into the air. The doctor pulls out his precision rifle...BANG! BANG! BANG! Three ducks fall from the sky. The doctor yells "Scalpel, fetch!". His dog runs up...

When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore
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You can tell a lot about a person by their house

Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush
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I'm trying to teach my cat Java programming...

But he keeps complaining about a `NullLaserPointerException`.
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X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/19)

Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes.

First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as tha...

In hopes to try to get some free advertising a Department store holds an event for Single ladies that want to meet that "it" guy

On the main floor 1000's of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 70...
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Irish Wargames

In light of the present threat created by North Korea, the Irish army decided to conduct the largest military exercise ever in it's history. The entirety of its armed forces were split between the north and south of the island. This is the story of the North Irish 5th infantry battalion.
Each sol...
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The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...
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