Laser Jokes

A blue laser hertz twice as much as a red laser.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

Our three cats did the rest.

I couldn't tell, it was so upset that it was inchoerent.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

It was an eye opening experience.

And why does everybody want it removed.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

Pew! Pew! Pew!

God says to them "You may ask any question of me."

The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land?

God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change."

The fir... read more

Pew pew pew!

The turn signals.

I heard it got pretty heated.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

He was literally shaking with excitement.

I couldn't do that before either, so I kind of saw it coming.

So I can see in 2020

I guess that might be acceptable for some people, but I want it 100% off if I'm paying for it.

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu... read more

He asked for feedback on his presentation.

I said it was fantastick

Why stop at half? Might as well get the whole thing done.

But I can’t see any problem now.

They can't get past the laser defenses

He said he would look into it.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ... read more

They said I’m not allowed to use melee attacks

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra... read more

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)

Both can be removed by a laser

They are both permanent and can be removed with lasers.

How do I set my laser printer to stun?

A Jedi is fighting some clone troopers when suddenly he drops his laser sword in the heat of battle. Luckily it comes back to him, seemingly of its own accord. After he has won, he looks down at his weapon with amazement, and says “thank you, you’re a LIGHTSABER!”

"Photons matter!"

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

Were sitting in the control room in their secret base, inside an active volcano.
Suddenly, an alarm starts blaring in the control panel.
Supervillain: "What is going on? Are the sharks with lasers escaping? Is the T-rex eating the robot dogs again?"
The henchman look behind them to see la... read more

A cat chasing lasers is like me chasing girls.
I never get em.

When I finished it he looked at it for a minute and said "You envision yourself as a Jedi, fighting off giant mutant squid, armed with lasers?"

"When I take enough Peyote and LSD, that's one of my tamer visions."

Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.

At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and ask... read more

He watches me eat, he watches my food on the stove, he watches me cook. He watches his bed. He watches the laser.

He's a real good watcher.

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t... read more

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ... read more

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex... read more

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush

But he keeps complaining about a `NullLaserPointerException`.

On the main floor 1000's of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 70... read more

In light of the present threat created by North Korea, the Irish army decided to conduct the largest military exercise ever in it's history. The entirety of its armed forces were split between the north and south of the island. This is the story of the North Irish 5th infantry battalion.
Each sol... read more

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a... read more