I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

Where does a laser gun sit in church?

On a pew pew

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

I just got laser eye surgery and I can't help but feel cheated

Because I still can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Laser joke

A blue laser hertz twice as much as a red laser.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

What did the laser say when it got turned off?

I couldn't tell, it was so upset that it was inchoerent.

What sounds do TIE Fighter lasers make?

P2W! P2W!

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

What the hell is Laser Hair

And why does everybody want it removed.

Guy walks into a store in the US

He says, "I want a high-powered sniper rifle, a scope, a laser sight, and 2000 rounds of ammunition. And I need my anti-psychotics refilled."

The clerks says, "Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! You can't just buy drugs without a prescription!"

So now I’m banned from going to the laser tag fun center

They said I’m not allowed to use melee attacks

Someone used a cane to point out stuff instead of a laser pointer during a presentation today.

He asked for feedback on his presentation.

I said it was fantastick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

Scientists created the first white laser.

They were fired for racism and hate speech.

What do kids and tattoos have in common?

Both are permanent, with the exception that they can be removed with a giant laser

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pulled over by the cops.

I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over.

Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "Nope."

Officer: "Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"

Me: "I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the c...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know?

Did you know?
Using laser beam machining, we can drill holes of diameter 0.005mm

Finally we know how to make a hole for size of your penis.

In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I'm tasked with assassinating an Indian target, I fail.

Some bastard with a laser sight always beats me to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

A Jedi is fighting...

A Jedi is fighting some clone troopers when suddenly he drops his laser sword in the heat of battle. Luckily it comes back to him, seemingly of its own accord. After he has won, he looks down at his weapon with amazement, and says “thank you, you’re a LIGHTSABER!”

Hello, Tech Support?

How do I set my laser printer to stun?

While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,

"Photons matter!"

Irish Wargames

In light of the present threat created by North Korea, the Irish army decided to conduct the largest military exercise ever in it's history. The entirety of its armed forces were split between the north and south of the island. This is the story of the North Irish 5th infantry battalion.
Each sol...

Why don't cats make good burglars?

They can't get past the laser defenses

Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...

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Two aliens arrive at a gas station...

When they land one of the aliens says "Take me to your leader." To a gas pump and the other alien says "Dude I don't think you should mess with him he looks like a badass." The 1st alien persists, "I said take me to your leader!" The 2nd alien says, " Man I'm being serious you should leave him alone...

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.

At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and ask...

You can tell a lot about a person by their house

Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush

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A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods...

A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods with their dogs on a duck hunting trip.

Suddenly, a group of ducks fly up into the air. The doctor pulls out his precision rifle...BANG! BANG! BANG! Three ducks fall from the sky. The doctor yells "Scalpel, fetch!". His dog runs up...

I've got one hell of a watch dog.

He watches me eat, he watches my food on the stove, he watches me cook. He watches his bed. He watches the laser.

He's a real good watcher.

My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted.

Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.

I'm trying to teach my cat Java programming...

But he keeps complaining about a `NullLaserPointerException`.

In hopes to try to get some free advertising a Department store holds an event for Single ladies that want to meet that "it" guy

On the main floor 1000's of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 70...

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X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

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